JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 THE MOMENT- possible title

I came back and took another look at this lyric and have,once again, revised it a bit (mainly tweaks to chorus) and hope it reads better this time. I envision the characters as young, somewhere between 16 -20 years. I thought about the way they talk and act and used that as a basis on how I created the characters. I consider the time period as current. There is still no melody for this. If anyone has ideas or would like to collaborate (as I do not write music and my singing scares all forms of life) please message me. Thanks for any thoughts!

V1
The party was a bust and I was just about to leave
when I smelled the sweetest perfume and felt someone tug my sleeve
I spun around and lost myself in eyes of emerald green
She grabbed my hand then flashed a grin saying, "Time we split this scene"

V2
She didn't give her name and at the time I didn't care
I just followed her outside into the sultry summer air
Her red hair blew 'round freckles sprinkled light across smooth skin
Her yellow dress, like sunshine's warmth, hid a girl a bit too thin

(Chorus)
She said -
Live in the moment but treasure the past
Make wise use of time for days do not last
Splash in some puddles and laugh in the sun
Ride high on freedom
Release the reigns and run

V3
We climbed the rocks and jumped into the chilly creek below
then dried off in a field of flowers lit up by fireflies' glow
We danced among the shadows to a distant strummed guitar
then ran up to the rooftop so to catch a falling star

V4
She shone like no one else I knew, a bright and rare design
As sun signaled the morning, she turned and pressed her lips to mine
She tasted of the morning and the cherry gloss she wore
I ended it and pulled away, but she brought me close for more

(Chorus)
She said -
Live in the moment but treasure the past
Make wise use of time for days do not last
Splash in some puddles and laugh in the sun
Ride high on freedom
Release the reigns and run

V5
Then looking up I saw a hint of sadness cross her face
The time had come to say goodbye and to walk her to her place
She took my hand and as we walked she spoke of things she'd done
I hoped that we could meet again, feeling something had begun

(Bridge)
She stopped beside a grave that read "Embrace all life can be"
Then she vanished right before my eyes
Her last words- "Remember me"

(Chorus)
She said -
Live in the moment but treasure the past
Make wise use of time for days do not last
Splash in some puddles and laugh in the sun
Ride high on freedom
Release the reigns and run

HI Jen,

I was thinking of an Irish tune as I read this .... it has an ethereal feel to it that's very pretty.

Given what transpired, I thought maybe, in verse one, ""time we split this scene" sounded a little out of place. Since the piece became ghostly, I thought maybe she should say something more soft and subtle.

Also, because some of the things seem so child-like, but he's with a woman, I wonder if it's confusing to say a "girl" too thin. Normally, I'm all for a woman being called a girl..I have no problem with that. It's just that ... I started thinking that maybe it was a young girl ... until the kiss. Maybe something like, "hid a figure much too thin."

I thought it might be nice, in verse one, to set him up with some kind of problem he's overcoming, that she helped him with, in the end.

I don't know -- random thoughts!

It's nice seeing you!

Lisa

I love this!
I did think V3 was out of place, seems more mature in V1 and V2(at least that's how I read it). V3 seems childish in comparison.
But, this is just my opinion and I've been wrong many times, so take it for what it is, just my opinion.

Enjoyed reading!

Hi Jen,

Yeah, I echo what Caroline and Lisa said in that I’m not sure if it’s a girl or a woman who’s sprung into this person’s life and why I’m thinking about how thin she is.

You’ve got some really nice details in the verses. I love, “then ran up to the rooftop so to catch a falling star”. In that verse, I get the impression maybe they’re very young...yet that doesn’t go with “the party was a bust” and “time we split this scene” as those sounds much older. Just a few tweaks can fix that I think?

In the bridge, my mind wondered how they landed by a grave and would it be “WE stopped beside a grave?” Not sure I’m reading that correctly.

This has a good, playful message and I enjoyed the mystery of her vanishing and the “Remember me”! Sweet!

Kristi

I think it has a lot of potential in that it has a good story and is well constructed with good meter.

I agree with the girls above however! The tone changes from an older wiser woman to a girl. I thought they were heading to the sack but instead caught some fireflies. I think you should choose an age bracket and be consistent.

Nice job though.

Hi Lisa! I imagined the characters to be teens or young adults. I based the way they spoke and acted on my own children and their friends. Some of the young girls are outspoken and free=spirited. I imagined the girl to be this way...a bit spontaneous and wanting to enjoy the life she no longer has. Though she is a ghost, I don't want her to sound "old" or from another time period, hence the attitude and way she invites him to leave with her. As for the activities like catching fireflies and playing hide and seek, they are the type of things the young adults I know would do. Therefore it seemed right to me. Still, I rewrote things and hope the activities sound a bit more mature but still youthful and fun. Let me know what you think. Thanks for your thoughts!

Caroline,
Thanks for reading and leaving some feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed it! As I have said above and to Lisa, I imagined the characters to be young adults. Because so many think the activities were a bit too young for them, I have revised things a bit. If you can, can check out the changes and let me know what you think. Thanks again.

Thanks Kristi for your time and thoughts. I'm really glad you liked it! I made a few adjustments after some of the feedback I received. If you get a chance, let me know if the changes work better.

Hi Colin! Thanks for your thoughts! I wrote it intending for the characters to be teens or young adults. I based words and actions on the typical behavior of my own young adults and their friends. Because so may seemed confused about the ages of the characters, I have made some revisions. Hopefully they work better. Again, I appreciate your time and feedback.

damn Jen, I knew that was coming..I like the content of this write. I hope you have a melody for this, I think its very lyrical and will work. I like to hear it. Lane

Hi Lane. I am glad you enjoyed! I do not yet have a melody in mind for this. Usually I collaborate with someone with more talent for music and vocals. Hopefully this will come together and one day you will be able to hear it.

I'm with Colin on this one Jen and agree also it has plenty of potential as a full song, I hope it gets to that stage
Travis

Hi Jen,

I read the rewrite and I think it sounds more consistent age-wise with your changes. You’ve added some real nice details... “eyes of emerald green” and this line: We danced among the shadows to a distant strummed guitar. Very nice!

It has a real storytelling feel to it with its own rhythm flowing well. In the last line of the chorus I keep wanting to put a “the” before reigns to keep it conversational or something...not sure there. That line is catchy and could even be your hook, if you’re not sure about what you’ve tentatively got.

Kristi

Thanks Travis!

Hi Kristi! I am glad you like the changes. I think you are right about adding "the" before "reigns". Thanks again for reading this and offering suggestions.

I took another look at this and tried to smooth things out a bit. I appreciate any feedback!