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HI guys, this is another song from FAWM that I did with James Staubes.
The lyric could be changed to Freaking GIRLFRIEND if a woman who is straight wanted to sing it.

James did it in the realm of the group Lit or
Green Day

Love to know your thoughts on it..thanks guys!!! wink Kimberly

APRIL 12 2014-(I AM NOT YELLING GUYS- JUST TRYING TO GET THIS TO BE SEEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OTHER WRITING) wink NEW REVISED LYRICS AND RECORDING WITH ADDED BACKUPS ETC. LOVE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS, WE WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS AND TRIED TO TAKE MOST OF THE ADVICE GIVEN AS WELL--THANKS- YOU CAN HEAR THE ORIGINAL ONE DOWN BELOW WITH OLD LYRICS IF YOU WANNA COMPARE.

Freaking Boyfriend REVISED LYRIC IN CAPITAL LETTERS FOR COMPARISON.

I wanna take you on the roller-coaster

THE ONE FRIENDS RAVE ABOUT

I wanna hear you scream ‘til you're laughing

When all your inhibitions come out


I'll watch ya lick chocolate from my fingers

Wake your senses to the unexplored

One thing's for sure, you’ll never be bored



Chorus

But I can't, no, I can't

What a POSITION it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

but you've gotta freaking boyfriend


Verse 2

I'LL HELP YA 86 THE JERKS AND LOSERS

KNOW YOU'LL FALL IN LOVE WITH NO REGRETS

I’ll turn the stars and moon on BRIGHT for you

CAUSE I'LL DO ANYTHING TO IMPRESS


I'LL WRITE POETRY YOU WON'T THROW AWAY

Be your midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve

ONE THING'S FOR SURE I'LL BE WHAT YOU NEED


Chorus
But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend

But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend


Bridge- NEW
Word on the street
He disrespects, neglects you
Keeps you on a short leash
Girl with me I’ll protect you, respect you
Treat you like a Queen.....like a queen...like a queen



Chorus-BROKEN DOWN

But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh )

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)


But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)


But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

WON'T YOU DROP YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND?

WON'T YOU LOSE YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND? !!!

Lyrics by Kimberly Kime and James N. Staubes, Jr.
© 2014 Kimberly Hales Kime

Music by James N. Staubes, Jr.
© 2014 Jam It Up Your Music ASCAP____________


OLD RECORDING
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12753340
OLD LYRICS BELOW
Verse 1
I wanna take you on the roller-coaster
The one everyone raves about
I wanna hear you scream until you're laughing
When all your inhibitions come out

I'll watch you lick chocolate from my fingertips
Wake your senses to the unexplored
One thing's for sure, you’ll never be bored

Chorus
But I can't, no, I can't
What a predicament it puts me in
Oh I can't, no, I can't
‘Cause you've gotta freaking boyfriend
But I can't, no, I can't
What a predicament it puts me in
Oh I can't, no, I can't
‘Cause you've gotta freaking boyfriend

Verse 2
I’ll help you forget all the losers and takers
Watch you fall in love with no regrets
I’ll turn the stars and moon on high for you
Come on baby, put me to the test

I’ll write you notes that you will never throw away
Be your midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve
One thing’s for sure, I’ll never deceive

Repeat Chorus

Solo

Repeat Chorus out

Lyrics by Kimberly Kime and James N. Staubes, Jr.
© 2014 Kimberly Hales Kime

Music by James N. Staubes, Jr.
© 2014 Jam It Up Your Music ASCAP
©1997-2014 SoundClick Inc. All rights reserved.


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Hi Kim,

This is so much fun. I love the title and hopeless romantic in the verses and then the hard reality in the chorus lyrics.

Just a few things. Assuming a guy singing, maybe the chocolate line would work better as:

I'll lick the chocolate from your fingertips

because the next line flows from that into "wake your senses..."

Also, the word predicament sounds cumbersome and is it a word that age group would ever say? Maybe "fix" or "bind". Talk to a kid and find out what they would say.

The only other thing is the "I'll never deceive" line feels like it was forced for the rhyme. How about "I'll make you believe"? Just a thought.

Overall great beginnings, I think worth pursuing.

Ricki

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Thanks so much Ricki for checking this out and commenting..had 37 clicks on it so far but you were the only one kind enough to leave your thoughts so far and we appreciate it. we will take all your advice into mind when we make tweaks...

thanks so much
wink
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Kimberly,

Ricki hit on all the places that I thought could use tweaks.
The "deceive" in particular. Everything else about the song really fits the style of song that it is.

It would be PERFECT for one of those teenage-valley-girl-high-school movies! They always have a song like this when things are getting frantic...

A very fun song. A terrific sound.

floyd

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Originally Posted by floyd jane
Kimberly,

Ricki hit on all the places that I thought could use tweaks.
The "deceive" in particular. Everything else about the song really fits the style of song that it is.

It would be PERFECT for one of those teenage-valley-girl-high-school movies! They always have a song like this when things are getting frantic...

A very fun song. A terrific sound.

floyd


Thanks so much for listening, it is very helpful to us before we do some tweaks to know what works and what does not and I agree some of those words need trimming and changing...thanks for the very kind comments
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Kimberly, The only tweak it needs is on the volume knob. It blew my headphones off my head. Once I got the volume turned down to 1 and my headphones back on I listened to the song. Not my kind of music but it was very well done. Songs like these people aren't looking for any revelations or great thoughts, and your lyrics are fine anyway. You can start nitpicking lyrics and it will never end. I see not a thing wrong with these lyrics or the music (well, except for the volume). Good luck ahead with it.

Last edited by Dan Sullivan; 02/20/14 08:54 PM.

Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

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Hey Kim,

To my ears, this sounded a bit like Rick Springfield meets Green Day, which is not a bad thing. I agree with Ricki that you have some words in the lyric like "inhibitions" and "predicament" that could be swapped with something a bit more descriptive and the song would flow better.

Good luck with the challenge. I started February thinking I could do this and have not even gotten one lyric down yet!


http://www.reverbnation.com/wendydumond

https://soundcloud.com/#mamby-p

http://www.reverbnation.com/donsechelski

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You think I'm just another jive folk singer but I'm a master in the art of criminology..Tom Russell
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Originally Posted by Dan Sullivan
Kimberly, The only tweak it needs is on the volume knob. It blew my headphones off my head. Once I got the volume turned down to 1 and my headphones back on I listened to the song. Not my kind of music but it was very well done. Songs like these people aren't looking for any revelations or great thoughts, and your lyrics are fine anyway. You can start nitpicking lyrics and it will never end. I see not a thing wrong with these lyrics or the music (well, except for the volume). Good luck ahead with it.

Oops sorry about that Dan... wink Thanks for taking time to listen and comment though you don't care for this style or genre of music...I do plan to trim a few words here and there..thanks again
KIM


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Originally Posted by Wendy D
Hey Kim,

To my ears, this sounded a bit like Rick Springfield meets Green Day, which is not a bad thing. I agree with Ricki that you have some words in the lyric like "inhibitions" and "predicament" that could be swapped with something a bit more descriptive and the song would flow better.

Good luck with the challenge. I started February thinking I could do this and have not even gotten one lyric down yet!

Hi Wendy
Thanks for taking time to listen and leave a comment. I am not sure what could be more descriptive than inhibitions but I do know we wanna nix the predicament , not sure what to replace it with, we have a couple of ideas...thought about position..thanks for the good luck wishes and I like these challenges, it helps me get off my writing pad and try to finish up some things..

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Not my style of music, but I found myself singing along anyway smile You could have the vocal a little more out front without hurting anything I think.

Fun tune....enjoyed.



Fred Choate
Billings, Montana

http://www.reverbnation.com/fredchoatemusic

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Originally Posted by Fred Choate
Not my style of music, but I found myself singing along anyway smile You could have the vocal a little more out front without hurting anything I think.

Fun tune....enjoyed.


That's great to know that even though its not your style you found some enjoyment with it..I will tell James about the vocal, it will be re-done soon due to it being done faster than normal for FAWM...thanks for listening
smile
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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I am bumping this because in the past couple of months James and I have worked really hard on this to try to make it a better song and would love your thoughts on it..thanks wink

Kimberly


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Hi Kim,

Ok out of the PM mode. Privately I had mentioned to Kim that I thought the vocals felt a bit bubble-gum for today's pop--this vibe has a Go-Go's type vibe, someone else mentioned Rick Springfield. I do like this better the 3rd time I've heard it overall, but never was a fan of this particular type of heavy-metal pop. But hey many are, so that's cool. My sug would be to tweak the production and make it more "current" sounding since your going for a youth market here. Floyd hit it on the nail when he said this would make a cool valley girl movie soundtrack--which was the early 80's.

Should you keep this production, I might recommend the vocals being a bit more rock/edgier attitude "in the verses" to compliment the power guitar chords/feel, or at least build that attitude towards end of verses to lead into the chorus. As is, the guy singing the verses sounds a little "too nice" to be the same guy in the chorus--and a very good voice I might add. I understand the "contrast" of attitude is cool from verse to chorus, but make it more believable.

Then perhaps there is a current market for this 80's flashback that I'm just not aware of, so I certainly don't claim to be absolute in what is the best direction to take this Demo. I think it's a good production and performance, just not sure if the arrangement is what's best for current marketing--but good luck with this! One thing's for sure, the youth may really dig it if they hear it--they pretty much can only dig what they hear now on the air waves that is directed towards them.

How would I make it more current? I'd slow the tempo down a little/take some of the edge off the rhythm drive/experiment with the lead vox verse attitude and delivery/get a little more separation with the instrumentation eq & compression-wise. -- (I'm not saying you should make these changes--just throwing out possibilities that you may want to experiment with and offering opinion).

steady-eddie. (I didn't exactly hear Rick S.either--my point was others heard 80's vibe).

Last edited by E Swartz; 04/16/14 04:59 PM.
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Hi Kim,

I really liked this -- enjoyed it from beginning to end! It has a great, energetic feel that's very appealing and likable!

There is a very definite difference between the guy in the verses and the guy in the chorus. The verse guy is polite and romantic, while the chorus guy is mad and wild. I took it as kind of an "inside voice" and "outside voice" kind of thing.

Or, in Freudian terms, the verse guy is the Ego or Super Ego, while the chorus guy is the ID! LOL!

Both guys worked for me!!

Lisa

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Originally Posted by E Swartz
Hi Kim,

Ok out of the PM mode. Privately I had mentioned to Kim that I thought the vocals felt a bit bubble-gum for today's pop--this vibe has a Go-Go's type vibe, someone else mentioned Rick Springfield. I do like this better the 3rd time I've heard it overall, but never was a fan of this particular type of heavy-metal pop. But hey many are, so that's cool. My sug would be to tweak the production and make it more "current" sounding since your going for a youth market here. Floyd hit it on the nail when he said this would make a cool valley girl movie soundtrack--which was the early 80's.
This is something we are gonna discuss, thanks--can't hear any Rick Springfield in this though..
Should you keep this production, I might recommend the vocals being a bit more rock/edgier attitude "in the verses" to compliment the power guitar chords/feel, or at least build that attitude towards end of verses to lead into the chorus. As is, the guy singing the verses sounds a little "too nice" to be the same guy in the chorus--and a very good voice I might add. I understand the "contrast" of attitude is cool from verse to chorus, but make it more believable.

Then perhaps there is a current market for this 80's flashback that I'm just not aware of, so I certainly don't claim to be absolute in what is the best direction to take this Demo. I think it's a good production and performance, just not sure if the arrangement is what's best for current marketing--but good luck with this! One thing's for sure, the youth may really dig it if they hear it--they pretty much can only dig what they hear now on the air waves that is directed towards them.

How would I make it more current? I'd slow the tempo down a little/take some of the edge off the rhythm drive/experiment with the lead vox verse attitude and delivery/get a little more separation with the instrumentation eq & compression-wise. -- (I'm not saying you should that you should make these changes--just throwing out possibilities that you may want to experiment with and offering opinion).

steady-eddie.


I will be sure that James reads all your well thought out comments Ed and I can say I appreciate your time and advice on this with all sincerity

Kimberly


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Thanks Lisa, this is something we will talk about for sure. I am open to all advice and take it all very seriously to try to make my songs the very best I can make them but still keeping my individuality in it at the same time, not always easy...

I appreciate you taking time to both listen and comment

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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This is really coming along nicely Kim. Only thing that still sticks out for me is the chocolate line again. How are her senses awakened by licking his fingers? I'd think the thrill for her would be when HE licks HER fingers. I know it gets me every time! smile Just a thought.

Ricki


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I think this is good. Good arrangement and melody. As others have mentioned, I wonder a bit about the age of the singer and the lingo. It sounds like someone in his teens or early twenties, but some of the things he says sound dated and bit too fancy.

I think you should have a young person give you some input. I will highlight a few words below that sound questionable to my non-expert ear......

I wanna take you on the roller-coaster

THE ONE FRIENDS RAVE ABOUT

I wanna hear you scream ‘til you're laughing

When all your inhibitions come out


I'll watch ya lick chocolate from my fingers

Wake your senses to the unexplored

One thing's for sure, you’ll never be bored



Chorus

But I can't, no, I can't

What a POSITION it puts me in (to be in?)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

but you've gotta freaking boyfriend


Verse 2

I'LL HELP YA 86 THE JERKS AND LOSERS

KNOW YOU'LL FALL IN LOVE WITH NO REGRETS

I’ll turn the stars and moon on BRIGHT for you

CAUSE I'LL DO ANYTHING TO IMPRESS


I'LL WRITE POETRY YOU WON'T THROW AWAY

Be your midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve

ONE THING'S FOR SURE I'LL BE WHAT YOU NEED


Chorus
But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend

But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend


Bridge- NEW
Word on the street
He disrespects, neglects you
Keeps you on a short leash
Girl with me I’ll protect you, respect you
Treat you like a Queen.....like a queen...like a queen



Chorus-BROKEN DOWN

But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh )

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)


But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)


But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

WON'T YOU DROP YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND?

WON'T YOU LOSE YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND? !!!


Colin

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Originally Posted by Ricki E. Bellos
This is really coming along nicely Kim. Only thing that still sticks out for me is the chocolate line again. How are her senses awakened by licking his fingers? I'd think the thrill for her would be when HE licks HER fingers. I know it gets me every time! smile Just a thought.

Ricki


HI- when I was re-reading the comments from before I realized I had not addressed that line and I agree but now in songu class the teacher felt the line was a little to sexual and feels this song is more age like 13-19 and therefore would need to change..not sure that many people have real BOYFRIENDS OR GIRLFRIENDS


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Originally Posted by Ricki E. Bellos
This is really coming along nicely Kim. Only thing that still sticks out for me is the chocolate line again. How are her senses awakened by licking his fingers? I'd think the thrill for her would be when HE licks HER fingers. I know it gets me every time! smile Just a thought.

Ricki


HI- when I was re-reading the comments from before I realized I had not addressed that line like you suggested and was like, oh no...I should have and I agree but now in songu class the teacher felt the line was a little too sexual and feels this song is more age like 13-19 and therefore would need to change..not sure that many people have real BOYFRIENDS OR GIRLFRIENDS at that age and actually date, I was hoping the song was more geared toward like 17-25 or so...something we are gonna talk about for sure..thanks so much for taking time to listen and comment again because it is so very helpful to me as I try to get a song exactly where I feel it is the best I can get it..

Kim


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Originally Posted by Colin Ward
I think this is good. Good arrangement and melody. As others have mentioned, I wonder a bit about the age of the singer and the lingo. It sounds like someone in his teens or early twenties, but some of the things he says sound dated and bit too fancy.
This is something we are discussing now actually, the songu teacher who has placed thousands of songs over her career said it sounds younger teen to very young adult like 19.. and we meant it more for like older teen to maybe 25...so this is something we are discussing and I gave it to my 13 year old niece who is super honest about her feelings...she loved it but said she will go over the lyric and let me know what sounds lame or not like how their age would say it. I do know the chocolate line will probably have to change, as coach said, its too sexual for that age, and I agree...I would not want my 13-or even 17 year old licking a guy's fingers...lol... wink
I think you should have a young person give you some input. I will highlight a few words below that sound questionable to my non-expert ear......

I wanna take you on the roller-coaster

THE ONE FRIENDS RAVE ABOUT

I wanna hear you scream ‘til you're laughing

When all your inhibitions come out


I'll watch ya lick chocolate from my fingers

Wake your senses to the unexplored

One thing's for sure, you’ll never be bored



Chorus

But I can't, no, I can't

What a POSITION it puts me in (to be in?)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

but you've gotta freaking boyfriend


Verse 2

I'LL HELP YA 86 THE JERKS AND LOSERS

KNOW YOU'LL FALL IN LOVE WITH NO REGRETS

I’ll turn the stars and moon on BRIGHT for you

CAUSE I'LL DO ANYTHING TO IMPRESS


I'LL WRITE POETRY YOU WON'T THROW AWAY--do you really feel poetry is too old? maybe we should do something about I'll text you funny things you won't throw away? or is is specifically the word poetry? I will think on this for sure and I appreciate your opinion o[color:#6600CC]n this so much![/color]

Be your midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve

ONE THING'S FOR SURE I'LL BE WHAT YOU NEED


Chorus
But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend

But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend


Bridge- NEW
Word on the street
He disrespects, neglects you
Keeps you on a short leash
Girl with me I’ll protect you, respect you
Treat you like a Queen.....like a queen...like a queen--we were told in SongU, just to note that the bridge made him sound too mean...so this is another thing we are discussing...sigh



Chorus-BROKEN DOWN

But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh )

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)


But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)


But I can't, no, I can't

What a position it puts me in (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO

BUT you've gotta freaking boyfriend (Whoa Whoa Whoa oh oh)

WON'T YOU DROP YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND?

WON'T YOU LOSE YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND? !!!


Thanks so much Colin! I really appreciate it!!

Kim

Last edited by KimberlyinNC; 04/18/14 12:57 PM.

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I don't think poetry is necessarily too old (or the other words), but your hero sounds like a punky rock star type and I think someone who screams freaking boyfriend might not write poetry, etc.


Colin

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http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


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Nice song. The message and sentiment steers towards the what "other guy" in Oriana's song, "According to you", might be singing!

I would rethink roller coaster (usu. a negative term when writing about emotion), even though you cover it in the next line as one people rave about.

Also the phrasing of the final line in the chorus I would change, spacing "but you gotta a freakin' boyfriend" out a little more evenly.

Again nice song, and very fitting to the Pop-ish feel you got going on.


Best Regards and Aloha,

Charlie
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Originally Posted by Colin Ward
I don't think poetry is necessarily too old (or the other words), but your hero sounds like a punky rock star type and I think someone who screams freaking boyfriend might not write poetry, etc.

something to consider for sure, thanks for clarifying that Colin

Kim


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Originally Posted by Charlie Wong
Nice song. The message and sentiment steers towards the what "other guy" in Oriana's song, "According to you", might be singing!

I would rethink roller coaster (usu. a negative term when writing about emotion), even though you cover it in the next line as one people rave about.

Also the phrasing of the final line in the chorus I would change, spacing "but you gotta a freakin' boyfriend" out a little more evenly.

Again nice song, and very fitting to the Pop-ish feel you got going on.

You could be right about the idea of rollercoaster in a relationship but hopefully the rest of the verse make it go in the correct direction intended. smile
I will mention the other to my co-writer for sure..thanks Charlie for your suggestions and comments:) we are going to be making changes and need all the advice we can get
Kim


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Hi Kim,

With this style rock song, you can get away with some trite expressions as the lyrics need to be easily recognized and simple, so I think you're fine. I like the added soft background harmonies in the verses as they compliment the lead singer. As far as the mix in general, the newer one seems to me a bit more compressed then the gain turned back to compensate--I think I liked the original balance a bit better, but subtly. Perhaps this newer mix was just mixed down with a little less volume.

I feel the bridge sounds a little too predictable for me with its melody and style. I would look at adding music "effects" or introduce some different sound there to create more change with the bridge personality a little. You could experiment with keeping the vox tempo as is, but maybe cut back the rhythm beats in half. This would give the illusion of changing the overall tempo, but not really changing it and give the song a break from the constant "da-da-da-da-da-da-da" quick beats, or just a couple breaks with guitars and drumming to achieve an exclusive bridge flow and feel. I understand it may be more work, and it certainly isn't imperative--but just an idea.

One other sug, especially on the bridge vox, I might experiment with a little more analog beat delay with the lead vox there--could be effective.

Would you get this "freaking song finished!" (LTM).

steady-eddie.

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Hi Ed, I will add this to the other comments you made on this earlier and give to James, as this is the same recording you commented on last... perhaps you just wanted to add more to comment on which is more than fine, but the recording has not changed. We do plan to work on it though , once my collaborator has time...

thanks so much
smile
Kim


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Really like this one a lot. Sent you a PM. Good Job!!

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Kim,

I don't comment often on lyrics (and I know you have a recording, but I don't want to hear it just yet). I think the lyrics really have potential with a monster hook that is really commercial and the right vibe to the lyric.. with one exception...

The songs reads like a teenage girl singing it... the boyfriend/girlfriend significance doesn't matter and is interchangeable (especially in the current market... imagine one of the current pop star divas doing it exactly like it is written, or a young upstart). But, the bridge is a total bummer because the rest of the song reads so young and hip, but the bridge reads like it was written by an older adult and kills the vibe and angst of the rest of the lyric.

I'd recapture that vibe and redo the bridge completely and imagine Taylor Swift singing it or someone else of her age group and what they might say... they wouldn't use those words. It feels like a girl should be singing verses a boy as it rings a bit more true in a girls voice/viewpoint/angst.

If you wrote it from a boys point of view, you'd have to harden up the freakin' to fuc*in'

Just my thoughts, nice job.

Brian


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I always love your songs Kimberly, and you both did an outstanding job! I agree with Brian on his comments for reaching an appropriate artist.
Respectfully,
Aaron

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HI David
I just saw it today and responded, look forward to talking with you.
Thanks!
Kim


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Originally Posted by Brian Austin Whitney
Kim,

I don't comment often on lyrics (and I know you have a recording, but I don't want to hear it just yet). I think the lyrics really have potential with a monster hook that is really commercial and the right vibe to the lyric.. with one exception...

The songs reads like a teenage girl singing it... the boyfriend/girlfriend significance doesn't matter and is interchangeable (especially in the current market... imagine one of the current pop star divas doing it exactly like it is written, or a young upstart). But, the bridge is a total bummer because the rest of the song reads so young and hip, but the bridge reads like it was written by an older adult and kills the vibe and angst of the rest of the lyric.
I do hope you get a chance to hear it though...it may help you get the vibe more but the bridge is something we are talking about changing because we were told in Songu class that she (the coach) felt that the song was light-hearted but the bridge made him sound kinda mean...so it is something we plan to re-visit.
I'd recapture that vibe and redo the bridge completely and imagine Taylor Swift singing it or someone else of her age group and what they might say... they wouldn't use those words. It feels like a girl should be singing verses a boy as it rings a bit more true in a girls voice/viewpoint/angst.

If you wrote it from a boys point of view, you'd have to harden up the freakin' to fuc*in'

Just my thoughts, nice job.

Brian


You gave me something to think about and I would not wanna use the other F word..I really appreciate you taking time to offer input on one of my songs, it means a lot to me, Brian, thank you!!
Kim


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Originally Posted by onehandsomedog
I always love your songs Kimberly, and you both did an outstanding job! I agree with Brian on his comments for reaching an appropriate artist.
Respectfully,
Aaron

Thank you Aaron, so you are saying you feel a male would not sing these words? just trying to make sure I get what you mean, if you are saying the male version is not working so well? thanks again and I will bring all this to my collaborators attention too:) Kim


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Kim,

I think a guy or a girl could feel the same given the situation. However, if you look at my first post response, I mentioned or referenced the "Go-go's" (which the lead singer was Belinda Carlisle). This style and delivery does seem more like what you would here a girl lead singer singing IMO as written.

Brian made a good point about the bridge as well, although you might try to make some changes there as I mentioned in my previous post, but maybe a new complete direction there is worth exploring--explore both.

I do have a almost 15 year old daughter, and all the kids say "freaking," I personally think you should keep that IMO, it's a very current term, and this isn't a rap song about urban anger--it's more about frustration than anger IMO.

(You don't need to respond to this since we've talked enough).

Good luck!

steady-eddie.


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Kimberly,
This is a great song and it can definitely work with either gender singing. To me the line "I'll watch ya lick chocolate from my fingers" feels weird hearing a guy sing it IMHO. Maybe even, "I'll let ya lick chocolate..." Having said that, I think trying both points of view and adjusting lyrics to fit who is singing might be worth looking into (What would a guy/girl really say). As a side note, maybe the girl finds out the guy has a freaking boyfriend? Anywho, hope that clears up confusion and can't wait to hear any changes! Good Luck
Respectfully,
Aaron

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pretty cool song.
I'd rather hear The Offspring do it than Greenday !!
ps... I didn't have a problem with the chocolate licking line.

Calvin


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Hey Kimberly,

Nice write and very listenable.

To my ears ? The guitar work is not angry enough and could do with some punch. I'm not a great fan of compression, but the song itself would work better with in your face, out there playing.

Gender wise ? It's a chick song. Probably in the 12-16 yrs age bracket, and needs to be sung by an aggressive female vocalist.

Would a guy sing this song ? Probably not. Unless they're a bit whimpy.

Just my thoughts from someone who has teenagers of both genders. smile

cheers, niteshift

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Thanks everyone, I am sorry I have not responded individually, been sick again and in pain...but did read all this and will try to get back to you guys soon..having surgery Friday.

Me and my co-writer are gonna re-write some of the lyrics and also put it for a female for someone asking for this, once I get through my re-coup..
Thanks everyone for your advice and comments, they are really appreciated so much
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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