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Florida
by bennash - 06/07/26 09:34 PM
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Lamb.wavv
by Gary E. Andrews - 06/05/26 04:07 PM
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8
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THE 3RD REWRITE OF A LYRIC I WROTE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
ASHES
v
When the wind howls
keeping you awake
When your dog barks
at your creekin' gate
You'll cover your head
and try to hide
afraid the boogie men
will try to get inside
v
when your phone rings
it won't be me
When the bills fall due
there'll be no we
Building a funeral pyre
of sad memories
Turnin' them into ASHES
then finally be free
c
The ASHES might even blow your way
from all the bridges I've burned today
There'll be no risin' like the phoenix
water's too high, there's oceans between us
ASHES, ASHES, ASHES
v
I won't be there
keepin' you from harm
sayin' it's all right
cuddllin' up warm
Be on the interstate
as the engine screams
'Cause You're the woman
who turned my dreams-
INTO ASHES, ONLY ASHES
B
I'm pretty sure our beds warmed again
since I know you've been foolin' with my best friend
c
The ASHES might even blow your way
from all the bridges I've burned today
They'll be no risin' like the phoenix
water's too high, there's oceans between us
ASHES, ASHES, ASHES.
Outro
Now there's only ashes where the fire used to burn
Last edited by Travis david; 06/22/13 04:47 PM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,888
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This is one of my favorites of yours Travis! Some very nice lines thoughout!
Cindy
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HiDee Bwo!!!
Like this'n' a LOT...so here comes a big Batcha Sugs...KOS:
V2: "Then fin'ly be free"
CH: "There'll be no Phoenix arisin'-like/
There's oceans between-us, The water's too-high/
Just ASHES...
Only ASHES...
V3:
(Maybe Del-I'll) 'Be on the Interstate
While the engine screams/
'Cuz You're the woman/
Who turned my dreams...
Into ASHES...
Only ASHES...
(Then it's SOLO TIME)
(BRIDGE)
I'm pretty sure our bed's warmed-again
Since I know you've been foolin' with
My Best Friend...
(REPEAT CH)
(OUTRO)
There's Only ASHES where the fire once burned.
KOS..& Good Luck with a Winner, Amigo!
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Bwo!
Stan
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Travis--
I like the idea--Stan has some good options--keep working on it!
Write on--
Mackie
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Thanks for your comment Cindy , pleased you liked it
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Thanks for your visit Mackie.
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Thanks for the help Stan, I've used and adapted others.
Twavis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
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Hey Travis
A good lyric very well written. A nice storyline as well with a neat twist at the end.
Take it easy
Joe
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Hey Travis
A good lyric very well written. A nice storyline as well with a neat twist at the end.
Take it easy
Joe
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Hi Joe
Thanks for your comments
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 97
Serious Contributor
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Very coherent storyline. Much success.
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Thanks for your visit Chad & comments
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Tweaked this a little for flow.comments please appreciated
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,865
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I like it! I like it alot!
I have no nits, no crits and no suggs.
It reads like a toe tapper.
Enjoyed it.
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Thanks for your comments Caroline pleased you liked it
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 924
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THE 3RD REWRITE OF A LYRIC I WROTE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
ASHES
v
When the wind howls
keeping you awake
When your dog barks
at your creekin' gate
You'll cover your head
and try to hide
afraid the boogie men
will try to get inside
v
when your phone rings
it won't be me
When the bills fall due
they'll be no we
Building a funeral pyre
of sad memories
Turnin' them into ASHES
then finally be free
c
The ASHES might even blow your way
from all the bridges I've burned today
They'll be no risin' like the phoenix
water's too high, there's oceans between us
ASHES, ASHES, ASHES
v
I won't be there
keepin' you from harm
sayin' it's all right
cuddllin' up warm
Be on the interstate
as the engine screams
'Cause You're the woman
who turned my dreams-
INTO ASHES, ONLY ASHES
B
I'm pretty sure our beds warmed again
since I know you've been foolin' with my best friend
c
The ASHES might even blow your way
from all the bridges I've burned today
They'll be no risin' like the phoenix
water's too high, there's oceans between us
ASHES, ASHES, ASHES.
Outro
Now there's only ashes where the fire used to burn
-------------------------------------------------------------
This song is smokin Travis! (No pun intended...ok yes there was) Seriously, this is a great lyric and one of my favs by you. Great wording and phrasing and storyline. Nice work!
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I like the 3rd rewrite
is there a typo??
when your phone rings
it won't be me
When the bills fall due
THERE'LL be no we
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Thanks for your comments N eil, pleased you liked thi sone
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Two in fact Neil, thanks for spotting them
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 12,212 Likes: 52
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First off Travis, I found that image of you, "Sweaty And Nude On A Long Distance Flight" quite disturbing and I wasn't even there. It may even have been the cause of your break up here.  This is a good one I agree, but I don't think it's done. I think this section needs more. First off, you might consider changing\varying your melody slightly. That way, you are not restricted in saying what you want...which I don't think is "you've lost your protector and cuddle bunny" because obviously, in your "twist (more later), she has not, it's just a different one. And that second set about the interstate, I guess I just don't know what that means. I think you need more of that invective and attitude from V1 and 2, maybe ratcheted up As for the twist that she's off with you best friend...I suggest finding something\someone new..it's been done...AND it begs the question...why aren't you mad at your best friend in this...or is that what the interstate is about, you want them both in a car crash?... Muddled thinking I know, but I guess reflective of me trying to think my way through the story
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Isee what you mean John, and will try to get around to a further rewrite ASAP
Thanks for your help
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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