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#1001123 - 03/25/13 06:06 PM help with new lyrics  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 60
eddyb Offline
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eddyb  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 60
Toronto/Key West
I've written a new song-sort of a fast paced rap type beat.
Would like help or suggestion on lyrics-

You've Gotta Forgive

You're sittin' in pain it's an emotional drain just go against the grain it's to your gain
sometimes you have to be the one that has to budge

So you've been wronged and you think it's right for you to fight to get what you think is right
you don't want to be the one to hold a grudge

You may have lost the will to fight but that's alright just don't lose sight
set your mind on things above with a little nudge

Chorus
You gotta forgi-------ve
If you wanna be free
You gotta forgi----ve
To see the victory


He is there for those who dare to cast their care on the man upstairs
put your thoughts on things above

He cares for you, you know it's true time to think about the son and what he's done
don't be the one to push and shove

Your sins have been cast from the east to the west can't you see that you've been blessed
you can be the one to walk in love

Chorus


Here is the test just let it rest, get all that junk right off you chest
just let it go and you will see

Do your part clean up your heart you can be the one to make a new start
get rid of all hypocrisy

Be on the side of good if you would don't leave the hurt that you hide inside
let it go you know you gotta be free

Chorus



I'd rather save memories not money
#1001149 - 03/25/13 07:49 PM Re: help with new lyrics [Re: eddyb]  
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 238
B K Williamson Offline
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B K Williamson  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 238
Louisville, KY
Hey Eddy,

Mostly the Rap I listen to is Everlast, "Whitey Ford Sings the Blues" but I have a friend who writes Rap songs and I would be glad to show this to him and get his feedback.

Best Days,
Bryan

#1001238 - 03/26/13 11:21 AM Re: help with new lyrics [Re: B K Williamson]  
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 473
Doug Barnett Offline
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Doug Barnett  Offline
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Posts: 473
Glendale, AZ, USA
Hi eddy,

I am also no rap expert, but I can see some structural inconsistencies here. I love that it's a positive and uplifting message. You know exactly what you want to say and the content is well thought out.

The structural things are only my opinion of course. Mostly it's an inconsistent rhyme scheme.

It starts off with an AAAA-B rhyme in the first line "pain drain grain gain - budge" but the second and third lines have only 3 rhymes and they match each other but not the first line. Similar things in verse 2 and 3.
The repeated rhyme structure in verse 1 as it stands is:
AAAA-B (pain drain grain gain - budge)
CDDD-B (wronged right fight right - grudge)
EDDD-B (lost fight alright sight - nudge)

The rap songs I know of tend to keep to a very close rhyme in each verse

One of the things I do when writing lines that require a lot of repeated rhyme structure (as rap does) is to build a list of words that will work for each rhyme.

If there are not enough good rhymes for a specific word then I might try to substitute another, more rhyme-able word. There are rhyming dictionaries that are a wonderful tool for this. I use an online one called Rhymezone.

All of this is purely academic of course. while normally lyrics should have some sort of structure, the performance (interpretation) of rap lyrics has a lot to do with how they can be written.

I like this this one.

Keep on writing

And as an example this is a partial list of possible rhymes for "Pain" that Rhymezone gave me:
brain, chain, crane, drain, gain, grain, lain, lane, main, pain, plain, rain, sane, stain, vain, abstain, attain, campaign, complain, contain, detain, disdain, explain, humane, insane, maintain, obtain, ordain, pertain, profane, refrain, regain, remain, restrain, retain,


#1001589 - 03/28/13 03:19 PM Re: help with new lyrics [Re: eddyb]  
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316
Vondelle Offline
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Vondelle  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316
Colorado Springs, CO, USA
Hi eddyb,

I like the message.

Doug gave you good feedback for tightening this up. I do think the rhyme scheme should be consistent but compare it to other rap songs and see if that is true for the genre.

I almost feel like your second verse should be your last verse. You might try that.

Good job on the rhythm.

#1001705 - 03/29/13 01:41 PM Re: help with new lyrics [Re: Vondelle]  
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 238
B K Williamson Offline
Serious Contributor
B K Williamson  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 238
Louisville, KY
Hey Eddyb,

I just heard back from my friend I mentioned earlier. Below is the response he gave. His name is John and he told me he may be joining this board soon.
Hope the sugs help,

Bryan
****************************************

Hi Brian, it's John,
As always the topic of any spiritual song or rap is a good choice. As far as the ones below, I believe have some good subject matter, but i would try to not necessarily stray away from rhyming, but stray away from plug and play rhyming because then a lyric stanza becomes predictable. Try rhyming every other verse, or drag out your verse before your words rhyme, expand the vocabulary, example use more descriptive verbs, nouns, adjectives...i.e

.." Find meaning in your past..whispered a message, with a broken laugh"
Basically make your words descriptive and any artist becomes more versatile.


#1002608 - 04/06/13 07:45 PM Re: help with new lyrics [Re: B K Williamson]  
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Jim Colyer (D) Offline
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Jim Colyer (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Nashville, Tennessee usa
Sorry, rap drives me up the wall!


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