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There is something under my left arm, buried deep in the breast tissue about a half inch under the skin. I can palpate the mass with my fingers. “It” is about the size of a large grape. I will call the mass an “It” for now-since I don't know what it is yet. I noticed “It” about a week or so ago because it was painful. Actually, the fact that it is painful is a very good sign. “It” is most likely an edematous lymph gland, which wouldn't surprise me at all given the nature of my sinuses. They are always aggravating me for one reason or another-animal dander, mold, mildew, pollen or dust seem to be the big ones.

I was scheduled for a much needed vacation this past week so I put “It” into the back of my mind-deal with “It” when I get back. Check. “It” on the waiting list of several things I didn't want to take care of till I got back. Besides, I figured “It” was really a swollen lymph gland and would clear up when my sinuses got better. So far, “It” hasn't.

“Now, what?” I ask myself. Will I go ahead and make an appointment with my internist to find out what “It” really is? I know, from past experience, that it will take at least 2 or 3 months to get in for a mammogram. Maybe they will push me ahead of the pack since “It” is there. Maybe "It's" nothing. What will I do if “It” turns out to be really something? Everything? No. Nothing? Maybe. Depends, I guess, on the “odds” of survival.

Despite the fact that I'm a nurse, I don't really see myself undergoing radiation or chemotherapy. For one thing, medicine can't cure anything. If we're lucky, it only buys us a little bit more time. We live. We die. That's how God intended it to be. If “It” is really “That”, then I don't think I want to institutionalize the inevitable. I worry about the quality of my remaining days. Do I want my hair to fall out or get radiation burns on my skin? No, of course not. I won't opt in for any of the side effects of chemotherapy-the esophagitis, the nausea, the vomiting and ultimately the profound weight loss. I want no part of having a mastectomy.

I just want to be left alone so that I can write and work. I want nothing more than to be able to have dinner with my friends or to travel when I can afford to do so. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to love my family and my friends and have them love me back. That's all I've ever wanted, really.

I'm 49 years old. That's more than some people get, but it's definitely not as much time as I need here. I still have a lot to do. I still have a lot to see and experience in this lifetime. I still consider myself the proverbial work in progress. I have scores to settle and amends to make. I'm one of those people with loose ends that could use some shoring up before I pass on to “the other side”.

There is still too much for me to learn. Honestly, I'm trying but even if I live to be 100 there is just just too much to comprehend. Things like the Black Hole, the Bermuda Triangle and everything beyond the universe. Heaven. Hell. Those are only a few examples. There are whole chapters in The Bible that I've never read. Heck, there are some that I have read but don't understand and believe it or not there are some that I don't find that credible. I'm not saying that I doubt there IS a God. I don't doubt Him for one minute. It's man's interpretation of it that I find the most confusing.

Humans are biased creatures. I know that because I am one. We like to twist the truth and bend it to our own benefit. Even when we don't do it on purpose, we do it subconsciously. It's just a subliminal, passive aggressive quirk we have as humans. We don't mean to, but it happens regardless. I'd like to think I'm not prejudiced, but deep down I realize I really am. There are times when I see color or nationality before I see the real person. For every strength I have, I must have at least 100 weaknesses that negate each good thing about me. I'd like to say that I've lived each day to the fullest, but I haven't. Many times I've taken the easy way out. The best way would have been too difficult or too time consuming for me.

Like any other human, I've sinned. I've gossiped. I've lusted. I've hated. I've even stolen a couple of times. Nothing major, of course-it was a minute or two at work and stuff like that, but stealing is stealing any way you do it. I've lied-mostly to myself, but it was lying, nonetheless. I haven't lived up to my own expectations. Most of all I'm sorry I haven't lived up to God's expectations of me. I haven't witnessed enough. I didn't go to my Granny's bedside when I knew she was dying. Why? Because I was selfish. I was only thinking of my pain, at the time.

If “It” turns out to be the worst thing imaginable, I feel like I need to leave something behind-but what? Words of wisdom, perhaps? Okay. Fine. I'm not doing this for those of you who might read these-mainly, I'm reminding myself of what's important. Anyway, here they are in a nutshell:

1.Don't do what I've done-do more.
2.Never make assumptions-ask before passing judgment and always know there are 2 sides to anything. God may have formed us all out of the same clay but we definitely weren't baked in the same ovens.
3.Love like there will be no tomorrow because it's possible you may never see it.
4.Never go to bed angry.
5.Be kind to everyone. You never know when you might need the person you were rude to.
6.When someone hurts you, indeed, turn the other cheek. They're probably hurting, too.
7.Remember, it takes 2 to have a relationship. Therefore, it can't always be about you.
8.Nothing lasts forever except God.
9.Some people may be quite special and unique, but they are not immortal. Choose your heroes wisely.
10. Own your weaknesses so they don't own you.