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Bayside
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/19/26 09:48 PM
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 2,069 Likes: 103
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 2,069 Likes: 103 |
Hi Kay-lynn,
here are the strengths: clear storytelling, strong moral theme and cinematic imagery. What can be improved: make the chorus imagery as vivid as the verse and tighten a few lines to feel more unique.
I would write "If it's not mine, then whose is it?"
Chorus suggestion: I've seen fear in his eyes and it ain't pretty
Instead of "Said lady pick on someone your own size" think about "Try picking on someone who can fight back" or "You want a fight? Try someone your own size".
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"Defeatist Pessimists and Rose Colored Glasses Optimists are lonely companions, victims even. Both ideologies imply predestined outcomes, and therefore breed inactivity in its victims. Inaction is the only sure way to lose at anything in life. All positive action guarantees at least a fighting chance." -Brian Austin Whitney
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