At 5 minutes, 26 seconds a 'Song' is challenged to sustain listener interest.
Various 'devices' serve that function of renewing the 'Hook Factor', such as nuances of percussion, guitar riffs, keyboard arpeggios, or Vocal Melody variations, a 'Bridge' which breaks the Repetition of the Structure, with a Melody of its own, different from either Verse or Chorus. Not all Songs demand a Bridge.
A Bridge need only be brief in duration, and 'different' from the Melody or Rhyme-Scheme or Rhythm of either Verse or Chorus..
A Song must supply Repetition to have Structure the listener can relate to, balanced with Change, to keep them interested.
A Bridge may consist of Vocal Melody, and perhaps pivotal Lyric content, or may be an instrumental solo.
A Bridge generally comes, in shorter Songs, after the second Repeat of the Chorus, 'resetting' the 'Hook Factor', and enabling a final giving of the Chorus without risking monotonous Repetition. It is often a device to cover the fact that a third Verse has not been found to supply a satisfactory ending for the storyline of the Lyric.
That concept of 'Enough' has application throughout a composition, 'Enough' Repetition, 'Enough' Change.
Is there 'Enough' exposition of the Lyrical concept, the 'story', in one Verse, or does it demand two, before getting to the Chorus?
Does the Chorus sum up what the Verse/Verses have set up for, making sense of the whole Song?
Is there 'Enough' Repetition to supply listener-relatable Structure?
Is there 'Enough' Change to keep them 'hooked', listening, attentively, although 'Enough', a judgment call of the listener, may mean they're quite content to have the sound going on without paying close attention.
You, the first listener, the Song-Writer, have to make those judgment calls for yourself, hoping others will agree when they make their judgment on how much is 'Enough', how much is 'Not Enough', how much is 'Too Much'. Enough.
Your Introductory Movement is about 37 seconds long. The guitar work and the 'feel' are quite entertaining. In live play the duration would not be 'Too Much'. For radio play, it might take too long, losing listeners, especially those essential Decision-Makers in the industry who make the judgment call of whether to play a Song at all.
I get the Pink Floyd vibe in the music and the vocalization.
For listeners to 'get' a Lyric demands that it be enunciated clearly, ideally so they 'receive' the communication the vocalist is 'sending', and get it the first time they hear it. Unless they can 'receive' it, it does not qualify as a 'communication'. The odd expression 'meaty contraption' is likely to be misheard. The listener may 'fill in' what they think they heard with soundalike words that don't distract them, fitting the context of what they do hear. The listener may begin to 'tune out', to come 'unhooked', to drift off to other thoughts while a Song goes on. They may realize they have not been paying attention when the Song ends. Whether they would want to hear the Song again depends on their judgement call on what the experience has been.
Your Structure seems odd. Is there 'Enough' exposition in Verse I? Does the word 'in' in Verse I Line 2 get 'Enough' enunciation? Does VI Line 4 twist the syntax, perhaps just to Rhyme, making it hard for the listener to 'get' what the words are, or hard to find meaning in them in the context of the other three Lines? Lines 2 and 3 are one sentence. Line 4 may be part of that sentence. It is an incomplete sentence on its own, and an obscure tangle, 'in between times around', that would demand the listener conceive some contextual meaning on their own.
You decided those four Lines are 'Enough' to arrive at this point at the Chorus. The duration is good under the 'rule', and 'Rules are tools' (Quote: Ande Rasmussen), the rule: "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!" You get there about 1:08. Finish about 1:40.
The Chorus opens with that oddity of language, 'meaty contraptions', again demanding the listener 'get' some meaning in the context of the storyline as given thus far.
The Lyric is very philosophical, an anonymous narrator, philosophizing on obscure concepts, deep thinking on meaning of life, which is summed up in the grounded reality of 'find their way home', Line 1. That concept is re-expressed at the end of the Chorus, in different words, "We will all make it home." Or, as sung, "We are all going home.")

"Home" (I suggest "Make It Home" as a more engaging title. By the way, Music Supervisors, seeking Songs for soundtracks in movies, TV shows, and advertising, often want Songs about 'home' to 'set the mood'. Or "All Going Home" or "We Are All Going Home." as you actually sing it.)
© 2021 Val Davis Music

Everybody's just trying to find their way home.
In this world we come in and we go out alone,
all looking for comfort while here on the ground, ('searching', sung, 'looking', written.)
only find what we seek in between times around. (only find what we seek as we wander around)

In our meaty contraptions, fooled by all we see and feel, (enunciation on 'fooled')
we forget where we came from, losing touch with what is real.
In those moments of silence, eyes closed and looking in,
we can see we are stardust. We can see there is no end.
We will all Make It Home. ('We are all going home' is what you sing.)
(I suggest repeating "We will all Make It Home" here to emphasize that 'concept' as the gist of the storyline.)

(Here your judgment call is to Repeat the Chorus. It may work. I don't know. It's not the usual pattern of Verse/Chorus, Verse/Chorus. How it will be 'received' by listeners, who most likely will 'consume' the Song by hearing, rather than reading, or having a Lyric sheet to read as they hear it, is unknown. The 'Hard Rhymes of feel/real and in/end are strong on 'memorability' and 'Hook Factor', sustaining listener engagement.)

In our meaty contraptions, fooled by all we see and feel
We forget where we came from losing touch with what is real
In those moments of silence, eyes closed and looking in
We can see we are stardust, we can see there is no end
We will all Make It Home. (We are all going home, you sing.)

(Would it be 'better', a judgment call, to come to this Verse II, and then Repeat the Chorus, a more traditional Structure? The philosophizing is quite clear here, easy to conceive, easy to enunciate so they 'get' it as they hear it.)

Verse II
We stay in our lanes in polluting machines, ('We' is not enunciated clearly.)
as we sell off our brains to the corporate elite.
We choose our sides 'tween the red and blue,
Cuz they profit from pitting me against you. (Delete 'Cuz'?)

(I seem to recall enunciation of 'me' in Verse II Line 4 wasn't as clear as it could be.
The word 'Cuz', 'because' or 'cause' is a connector word you can often do without, uncluttering the Line in the singer's mouth. Writers employ it to 'connect' ideas, but listeners can often 'get' those connections without 'And', 'But' or 'Because'. Sometimes the Line can read the same, or 'better', without them. A judgment call. The Songwriter makes their call. The listener makes theirs.)

(Bridge, with a variant Melody, ending with THE Hook.)
The light that's inside is too bright for some.
With palm covered eyes they go on the run. ('we' instead of 'they')
There is no escape from the anguish that moves us along, (Do you say 'But' there is no escape'?)
and when it is time we must answer the call. (Do you need 'and' or would the Line read the same, without 'and'?)
We will all Make It Home. (We area all going home.)

In our meaty contraptions, fooled by all we see and feel,
we forget where we came from, losing touch with what is real.
In those moments of silence, eyes closed and looking in,
we can see we are stardust. We can see there is no end.
We will all Make It Home.
(You actually sing, 'We are all going home. We will find our way home. We are all going home. We will all make it home.)

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 05/09/21 08:50 AM.

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