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#975309 - 09/04/12 08:50 PM
Emergency
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Dayson
Top 500 Poster
Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 665
Loc: San Diego California United St...
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This is fresh Ink, the idea just popped in out of nowhere:)
Thought I would just post it since I have not posted anything in ages, comments-crits and suggestions welcomed!-Dana
This was wrote with a female Contemporary Country Singer in mind.
Mid to uptempo. Thanks:)
Emergency
He was standing in the front door
With a bag of his clothes
Wearing a frown
I was feeling like a tight rope
Walking out was my hope
Leaving me doubts…
He said I know your cheating
Ain’t no faith left believing we can turn this around
Then a shot rang out….
Chorus
We’ve got an Emergency
We’ve got a heart down and it’s starting to bleed
Can somebody please
Dial that 911
Cause I’m starting to think
I was wrong about him being wrong about me
We’ve got another man down
All because of me…
The words I yelled hit him like a slug
I’m sorry won’t patch him up
I’m losing him fast…
If I could take them back I’d
Take em fast-er than this ambulance
Can carry my soul…
I said the only one I’m cheating is myself
For not believing that you were the one..
Chorus repeats
Bridge:
We’re both in intensive care
It’s touch and go
Straight from here
Want you to know
I’ll always be there
Chorus
Cancel that Emergency
He’s had a change of heart
And the Surgeon was me
Can somebody please
Give him room to move
Cause he’s starting to breathe
Yeah I was wrong about him being wrong about me
I’ve got my Man down
And I’ll never leave
Dana L. Matthews
September 4th 2012 ©
All Rights Reserved
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#975373 - 09/05/12 10:13 AM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Dayson]
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Travis david
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 3962
Loc: Blackburn, Lancashire.UK
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He's come back to me
he got stitched up
What he needs is a little tender love
the kind that don't deceive
Just a few idea Dana. Really good idea you had there for a lyric,very original.
All the best with it
Travis
Edited by Travis david (09/05/12 10:14 AM)
_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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#975411 - 09/05/12 05:23 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Travis david]
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Dayson
Top 500 Poster
Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 665
Loc: San Diego California United St...
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Hey Travis,
Thanks again for taking the time to comment,I appreciate it.
This is very rough and still needs some refining, your idea list pretty much sums it up, do you mean I should flesh them out even more here?
Just to be clear on your ideas, thanks-Dana
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#975437 - 09/05/12 08:55 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Dayson]
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Jim Colyer
Top 200 Poster
Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 1463
Loc: Nashville, Tennessee usa
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I was a bit confused as to what was going on.
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#975514 - 09/06/12 04:18 AM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Jim Colyer]
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Travis david
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 3962
Loc: Blackburn, Lancashire.UK
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Just throwing ideas into the pot Dana.You never know one might be useful.
Regards
Travis
_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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#975592 - 09/06/12 05:57 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Travis david]
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Dayson
Top 500 Poster
Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 665
Loc: San Diego California United St...
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Hi Travis,
Yes, I agree:) I was trying to get your take on how you would incorporate them. I thought I might have insinuated some of those ideas already in the bridge:)
But yes, always open to more of them!
Hi Jim, Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
If you are confused by what is going on the song, then I may not have done my job as the Songwriter:)
All I can really add is the Chorus is not to be taken in a literal sense if that's where your confusion starts?
Again, if you care to explain where you are lost at, maybe I could go back and rewrite it in a better way if need be.
Thanks you both for chiming in!-Dana
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#975971 - 09/10/12 01:47 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Dayson]
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jblackwrites
Serious Contributor
Registered: 05/17/12
Posts: 255
Loc: Southern New Mexico
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Hi Dana!
I like the idea, and the medical metaphors...but it seems like there may be too many of them, IMO. I had trouble figuring out what was going on the first couple of times I read it...possibly too much happening without enough details....maybe find a way to make it all about losing him or all about getting him back...with more details of how it happened. Good luck with it!
Jason
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#975976 - 09/10/12 02:32 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: jblackwrites]
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DougPeg
Serious Contributor
Registered: 03/12/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Cross Plains Tennessee USA
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I'm with Jim on this one to. I just can't find the simple understanding of the song structure. Know what the story is telling, but it lingers to much. You have something here, it just needs to be condensed and rinsed.
good luck
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#975987 - 09/10/12 05:14 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: DougPeg]
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Caroline
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 3518
Loc: Texas
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I like it. I think maybe some tightening on your story, I want him to be wrong. She wasn't cheating after all and he's recovering from his initial heartbreak.
If this were my song, I would rework it completely...
Example....I'd start with..,
Somebody call 911
His hearts about to break
He heard I was running round
There must be some mistake
People talk about me
I don't know why he believes
Emergency
Someone shock our love back life
Give those paddles to me
Before he lets our future die
Get out of my way can't you see
We've got an emergency
Anyway, I would not have her actually be a cheat because an artist doesn't want to be the villain. She's got to be proven true....
Just some Suggs, kos.
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#976000 - 09/10/12 07:16 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Caroline]
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Dayson
Top 500 Poster
Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 665
Loc: San Diego California United St...
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Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for making all these great suggestions!
Caroline,with your example I can better understand what some are
saying about following the story.
I will get take a closer look at see what develops, I appreciate the feedback!-Dana
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#976001 - 09/10/12 07:17 PM
Re: Emergency
[Re: Caroline]
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Dayson
Top 500 Poster
Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 665
Loc: San Diego California United St...
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Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for making all these great suggestions!
Caroline,with your example I can better understand what some are
saying about following the story.
I will take a closer look at this and see what develops, I appreciate the feedback!-Dana
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