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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
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THE PARTY
v She lived on Knox Street the best part of town Mommy's had personal trainers while daddy's slept around She grew to hate it all her folks paid for therapy They couldn't understand why she wanted to break free v Five years later on by shear coincidence We met again at the home of a mutual friend By now she'd blossomed since we confused Dr.Beck who dismissed us as free spirits then happily banked the checks c The party continued around us people drank and danced made love in secret places ignored our bored faces Spirits were no longer free I hooked her, she caught me We slipped away, took the last bus As the party continued without us
v She made jewellery I made blackberry wine We'd sit by the log fire laughing, talking till bedtime We both wore sandals hated sensible shoes Her hair was long and golden eyes the deepest of blue b No high garden walls to feel trapped within No imposing iron gates that shudder in the wind Now the meadow was our garden with scented flowers for gathering c The party continued around us people drank and danced made love in secret places ignored our bored faces Spirits were no longer free I hooked her, she caught me We slipped away, took the last bus As the party continued without us
Last edited by Travis david; 08/25/15 03:07 PM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,259
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LOVE this one Travis....very cool!!!!
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
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Thanks Barry I appreciate your comments-in fact any comments at the moment! Trvis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
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Good start...I like the concept...
these lines made me stumble...???have another look maybe
By now she'd blossomed since we confused Dr.Beck who dismissed us as free spirits then happily banked the check
Bridge is very good.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
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thanks Neil it does need a rewrite Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
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Hey Travis,
Cool write and story! It flashed through my mind that you could use "we" in most of the first verse (e.g., "we lived on Knox Street," etc,) and then the Dr. Beck line wouldn't be such a surprise, but, that being said, I did get it right away, so it's probably best left alone!
Lisa
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Joined: Jun 2006
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I like it. It has a literary sense of decadence.
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