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11-16-14

I appreciate all your patience and time, friends. This is the LAST re-write I will show until I work with my collaborator who can really play music and sings like a bird smile . Then it will become a new thread. If you wanna compare, you can, but I tried to incorporate advice given on muses muse and JPF. HOPE to goodness it is more related to the hook now. Continued feedback is appreciated but I feel somewhat bad for asking yet again....Kim



Postcard View re-write Nov 16th- last time I promise on this thread...
Postcard View
The weight of the world shows up in your smile
so I come in real close for a while
And love on you

When everyday mundane takes hold
It steals our time and truth be told
It colors us blue

Pre-chorus
One touch fills the need; it’s easy with you and me
It’s always been that way
But reality can’t be ignored
When it comes at us like grenades

Chorus
We’re back in the fray, but we try again
Like we always do, my lover, my friend
Whatever it takes, I’ll do
I wanna show you life’s postcard view

Our place is small, cold leaks through walls
Once we pay bills nothing’s left at all
But we make do

We agreed for worse or better
Be prepared for any weather
And we’ll get through

Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus

Bridge
Grab your passport, take my hand
Magic comes in the chance
I’ll make life beautiful, just wait and see, just wait and see

Repeat Pre-chorus and chorus
Tag
Life's postcard view
Life's beautiful postcard view
© Kimberly Hales Kime

OLD stuff...:)------------------------------
Hi

For those of you who know me, you know I am not a musician. Though I would love to learn, with my memory and arthritic problems among other issues, I am not sure I could handle learning a guitar or piano but hey, one never knows, I might try for it one day.

Anyways.

This is a very very rough draft of the last lyric I wrote with a backing track I made with Jam Studios for an idea of it melody wise. Yes, it stays on the same chords, but I have looked at chords of other songs and have seen it done that way many times before and hoped that the addition of other instruments and the way one might sing it might make it workable.
I am NOT a singer, clearly, either.

I am hopeful to find a collaborator with me on this. I have asked one person but he is very busy at the moment, but maybe it will happen. He would make the music 10,000 times better as well as the melody, and with his vocals most surely. If that does not work out I will keep up the search. I am at the mercy of collaborations.

I would like input on the lyric and the melody, again please bear with me in the reality of my situation as far as making music and singing goes and just tell me if the basic melody might work or not, if done with real instruments and what you think of the lyric.

Does the lyric make sense, etc? This particular lyric is very personal to me, but if its not good or salvageable, then I need to know this too.



Thanks everyone..here goes my lame attempt.. eek
Edit- 11/11/14- Here is my revised version, though the recording will still be rough, are the lyrics an improvement or not? what about the title??? thanks
New recording
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12966454
New Lyric and new title....
Postcard View (originally Because It’s You)

The weight of the world shows up in your smile
so I come in real close for a while
And love on you

I’m kept at bay from your shrink wrapped heart
Like we’re built to fall apart
I can’t blame you

Pre-chorus
One touch fills the need; you’re so into me
but your heart still beats afraid
Doubt creeps in, we’re under attack again
When your past throws it’s grenades

Chorus
We’re back in the fray, but I’ll try again
Like I always do, my lover, my friend
Whatever it takes, I’ll do
I wanna show you life’s postcard view


You like my quirks and fill my needs
Hold the key and own the deed
I belong with you

I believe we’re cut from the same cloth
It’s in our kiss and midnight talks
You know it’s true

Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus


Bridge
Grab your passport, take my hand
Magic comes in the chance
I’m stubborn, you’re brave
We’re not a mistake…we’re not a mistake

Repeat pre-chorus and chorus
Tag
Life’s postcard view
Life’s beautiful postcard view
© Kimberly Hales Kime 2014





OLD recording and OLD LYRIC
Because It's You


The weight of the world shows up in your smile
So I play my guitar for a while
And sing for you

Though kept at bay from your shrink wrapped heart
Guard it from additional scars
I won’t blame you

Pre-chorus
The music gives its gift, bad moods lift
But when the last song plays
Reality sets in, we’re under attack again
When life throws its hand grenades

Chorus
We’re back to square one, but we try again
Like we always do, my lover, my friend
I wanna give you life’s postcard view
Because it’s you…because it’s you

You know my soul, and what makes it bleed
Hold the key, and own the deed
So I cling to you

I believe we’re cut from the same cloth
It’s in our kiss and our midnight talks
You know it’s true

Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus

Bridge
Friends say just walk away
There’s no future anyways
But you’re my anchor, my Achilles heel
If I gain only half your heart, I’ll take it babe…I’ll take it babe

Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus

Tag
Because it's you
Because it's you
because it's you
© Kime 2014

Last edited by KimberlyinNC; 11/16/14 01:28 PM.

*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Hi Kim,

Listened a couple times to this rough draft. Generally speaking for me, there may be too many "unique" expressions/analogies here to "phonetically flow" and feel real or relatable to the listener since this is not a "deep" vibed song "musically." The melody is best in the main chorus, verses ok, but verses for me need each another line IMO--more for extending/establishing their melody identity. PC may, (not sure), benefit from being shortened--it launches nicely and transitions well with chorus. Production will enhance this area and give it more "lift."

I know you said this lyric is very personal to you--I get that. But I feel this music needs more basic/natural lyrics given this country/pop music vibe, I think also lyrically you might start this song out with a more general topic sentence that is more direct and personal. There hasn't been any story established to put the "weight of the world on this guy as of yet." I like that line, just needs to be in the story, not starting the story. Perhaps with this song, a simpler approach getting this song started will get women or even younger girls relating quickly to the song." Such as:

"When I think about you and your beautiful smile,
I close my eyes, play guitar for awhile
And I sing for you, yes I sing for you, (pause)
You know I do"

(vs.2 now sing): "You've got the weight of the world, always pulling you down"

(this last line (vs.1) could also be sung very modern with repetitive attitude you,you,you, yea you).

(verse melody on this last line (vs.1) if extended, would need repeated--and need an added measure or two)

I think the verse expressions (shrink wrapped/Achilles heel) are a bit awkward sounding and just too stark perhaps for the potential listeners to relate without being disconcerted, especially with this vibe--keep this one simple with fewer metaphors or analogies that aren't romantic which is what I was eluding to in my opening paragraph. Of course, JMO.

I would work backwards from this chorus where your strength in melody is and get the early part of the song launching, then tweak lyrically to accommodate. Definitely potential here Kim!

You might even consider writing two songs here, one with this music that lyrically is more conventional, and find another melody/vibe for this more serious subject that you want to express?

"Songwriting is like fishing; you need the bait to be interesting to set a hook." - e.s.

steady-eddie.

Last edited by E Swartz; 10/27/14 06:31 PM.
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Thanks so much Ed for all your advice on this. I appreciate the time and effort and will keep it all in mind as I make changes
smile
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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I think your jam studio track and your vocal get the message across just fine. I think it is great when a lyricist demonstrates what the lyric is supposed to sound like. I wish others here would do that because you never know what kind of sound and rhythm they have in their head by just reading a poem.

I pretty much agree with Ed. I think you have a good idea but some of the words seem too complicated for a song. I like the phrase shrink-wrapped heart and think it would make good hook.

Here are few thoughts.....

The weight of the world shows up in your smile
So I play my guitar for a while
And sing for you

I'm kept away from your shrink wrapped heart
You can't handle another scar
I don't blame you

Pre-chorus
The music is a gift, the darkness lifts
But when the last song plays
Reality is back, we’re under attack,
Life tosses a hand grenade


Chorus
We’re back to square one, but we try again
Like we always do, my lover, my friend
I wanna show you a postcard view
Because it’s you…because it’s you

You know my soul, and what makes it bleed
Hold the key, and own the deed
So I cling to you

I believe we’re cut from the same cloth
It’s in our kiss and our midnight talks
You know it’s true

Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus

Bridge
Friends say just walk away
There’s no future anyways
But you’re my anchor, my Achilles heel
If I gain only half your heart, I’ll take it babe…I’ll take it babe

Repeat Pre-chorus and Chorus

Tag
Because it's you
Because it's you
because it's you


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


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I like it just the way it is. I wouldn't touch anything....Moves along, I like your voice and the melody. Sometimes we pick our songs apart too much...Write it, record it and let it go and move on to the next one. We over think everything all the time.

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Barry,

Interesting thoughts. While I agree about overthinking, I wonder if it is better to have a few songs perfected or a big pile of songs that are unpolished.


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

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Hey Colin,
What's Perfect? LOL....A song no matter HOW Great you think you made it can Always be changed again and again and again....I just think for ME.....My first instincts are the most Raw and Best usually. I take it the way it's been Sent to ME....lol.

I have heard Academy Award Winners say they can't watch the movie etc. because they would change a million things....Well Yeah....and On and On and On it goes......Just do it and MOVE ON......just my stupid opinion who has NEVER made ONE red cent from any of my Songs and probably won't ever....God is the ONLY perfect one and even HE makes tweaks from time to time....

How are you doing? Have you heard my New Incredible song called THE CHURCH ON THE HILL....LOVE THAT SONG and it was sent Completed and all I did was copy it. Barry

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Colin, thanks so much for taking time to both listen and comment. You added some good alternatives and I am in the process of re-writing this, though have so many varied opinions on here and muses muse I am kind of at a loss as to what to do or how far to take it...but I will be posting the new one soon...hope you will re-visit it

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Originally Posted by Colin Ward
Barry,

Interesting thoughts. While I agree about overthinking, I wonder if it is better to have a few songs perfected or a big pile of songs that are unpolished.

Yes, I do wanna get it the best it can be- don't wanna stop at pretty good. as Alan a coach of mine at SongU has said many times, it is easy enough to get a song to an 8 but to get it to that 10 is the hardest thing but well worth trying to...yes I can overthink, but I am open to opinions and plan to also share it on Songu for more opinions..may mix me up more..who knows..hehe

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Originally Posted by Barry David Butler
I like it just the way it is. I wouldn't touch anything....Moves along, I like your voice and the melody. Sometimes we pick our songs apart too much...Write it, record it and let it go and move on to the next one. We over think everything all the time.

Thanks Barry I appreciate your very kind words. I do wanna make sure I am open to all opinions first though and make sure I can not improve it before saying it is done. I do know for sure it would need REAL music and a real singer before I could ever consider pitching it. smile

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Originally Posted by Barry David Butler
Hey Colin,
What's Perfect? LOL....A song no matter HOW Great you think you made it can Always be changed again and again and again....I just think for ME.....My first instincts are the most Raw and Best usually. I take it the way it's been Sent to ME....lol.

I have heard Academy Award Winners say they can't watch the movie etc. because they would change a million things....Well Yeah....and On and On and On it goes......Just do it and MOVE ON......just my stupid opinion who has NEVER made ONE red cent from any of my Songs and probably won't ever....God is the ONLY perfect one and even HE makes tweaks from time to time....

How are you doing? Have you heard my New Incredible song called THE CHURCH ON THE HILL....LOVE THAT SONG and it was sent Completed and all I did was copy it. Barry


Larry Gatlin, the country great singer/songwriter told me in a class one time that one of his grammy award winning songs, he wishes he could make changes on..so no one is usually all the way satisfied with their work though one can not be complacent and not be willing to take advice from those who might be more experienced or offer a different prospective. I am always open because these songs are not for me as an artist, they are for pitching purposes and I am in hopes my publisher who has two of my songs will wanna pick up some more and get them to artists to sing, so I work at it..;)
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Kim,

I liked the melody, nice track! I like your voice in it, other than a few rushed words, I think it sounds really nice!!

Tammy


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Thanks so much Tammy! I am putting up a revision, the lyrics have changed a great deal, the recording still not the best but I hope its better lyrically...thoughts?

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Hi Kim,

I enjoyed the listen -- and your voice!!
Nice song!

In terms of the lyric, I think that verses one and two are very contradictory. And verse 2 seems to completely contradict the the "you're so into me" in the pre-chorus. I know you're conveying a dichotomy of feelings here, but the contradictions seem very abrupt in those two spots.

Lisa




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Apart from a couple of vocal phrasing issues I like it.
Has a modern looking lyric to my mind.
One of the best I've seen from you Kim.

Vic


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If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

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The lyrics are good to my mind and I like the work in progress, going in the right direction Kim
Travis


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Originally Posted by Lisa Gundling
Hi Kim,

I enjoyed the listen -- and your voice!!
Nice song!

In terms of the lyric, I think that verses one and two are very contradictory. And verse 2 seems to completely contradict the the "you're so into me" in the pre-chorus. I know you're conveying a dichotomy of feelings here, but the contradictions seem very abrupt in those two spots.

Lisa




Thanks Lisa, It had changed so much from the beginning lyric feelings were not working themselves out..Please check it out now and let me know if you like the re-write. I have a collaborator now and we plan to work on it together, make some musical changes, and of course she will sing it. I took it to Songu class and was told a couple of lines might warrant changing but would love to see if people mention the same lines. thanks Lisa!!

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Originally Posted by Vicarn
Apart from a couple of vocal phrasing issues I like it.
Has a modern looking lyric to my mind.
One of the best I've seen from you Kim.

Vic

Wow, thanks so much Vic! I have added the most revised version today and do not plan to make any more changes on this post, since now I have a collaborator, and I took it to a songu class, and my teacher offered some ideas on it. Next time I post it will be in a new thread. smile as it is getting too confusing and long a post now..lol

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Thanks Travis , I added a revision today but will be opening new thread once me and my new collaborator have a version to show. smile
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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What you need to do with this is clip some lyrics and make changes to accomodate a new structure.

Your voice and the rhythm reminds me of Sixpence None the Richer,
"There she goes" or Lisa Loebs "
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19dzm45ttWE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SM4uwLTiDPU

I think your chorus doesnt explode like it should. And that is cause the melody is too similar to the verse style.

If it were mine, I would sing into the chorus and hold the final note of fray...like

Im back in the FRAYYYYYYYYY (Raising the melody up)
but we try again
Whatever it TAKEEESSSSS (Same as first line)
(then rhyme with again)

Take pieces of your lyric that seem important enough to put in that spot, cause that is the most important part of your song.

personally, i'd use different words in that whole section, instead of back in the fray, some line that sounds fresh and means something more than just a passing comment.

You have a nice musical idea, moreso than lyrical, and I know that's a switch for you cause you write lyrics, but to me the power this might have is in the melody you have. Chords could use some tweaking too.

It could be a nice pop song, I think Life's Postcard View is the best line in the whole thing, and should be made more prominent than other words.

Remember it's just words, better to make a great song than get caught up on some words or making some changes to them.

Enjoyed!

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Kim,

I like what Bugsey is saying for the most part, especially about keeping lyrics simple first, then find a couple of spots that you may insert a little "spice" or a more or profound lyricsin key places. I've never thought of it quite like this, but it makes sense to begin more simple, then tweak to embellish lyrics. I think sometimes our goal may be a deeper lyrical approach, which is cool, but we can easily get trapped trying to find lyrics to accommodate our difficult outline or rough draft that we have cast. With this method, you will IMO have better success getting better music/lyric prosody, keeping on theme, as well as a more flowing story or expression. Also this method should give your more latitude for exploring alternative phrasing as you have your theme nailed down. I'm going to keep this in mind for myself.

steady-eddie.


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