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Joined: Aug 2010
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I got my mic back from the repair shop yesterday and it's good to be back on the MP3 board. This is my latest project and I'm still very much working on it so feel free to be brutal. To Get To Close To Me http://www.reverbnation.com/bobbywaynesongs/song/21696350-to-get-too-close-to-meV1 You said "I love you" and took me by surprise So I disappeared unsure of what to do, You're all innocense and light You had folks that raised you right The universe intended better things for you. V2 Now I come from a different kind of family Where I overachieved by just staying out of jail, All my life my family name Has brought me misery and shame And made me feel sometimes like I was born to fail. Choruse And there would be a hailstorm of junkies, fiends and losers If someone were to shake my family tree, And so despite how I appear there's still some danger lurking here It's not a good idea to get too close to me. V3 You were the child who tried to save the injured sparrow, You were that girl who collected cans to feed the poor, You've got a heart that's compelled to care And it was drawn to my despair But don't confuse your need to help with something more. Chorus: Bridge: Now my mother drank and drugged herself into an early grave, And my daddy will die in the State Penitentiary, And I've worked hard to rise above it but there's a truth I can't escape, They're always going to have their chains on me. Chorus: End
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Joined: Feb 2007
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You are a good writer and your singing is pretty dang good, too. I think you are using the same strum pattern all the way through. I would change up the rhythm between the verse and the chorus just to give it more musical variety (the bridge was sort of the same too, although you had some stops and starts).
But that is some mighty fine singing (especially in the chorus).
I would have thought that three verses, a bride and four chorus would be too much -- but it wasn't.
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Joined: Apr 2002
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I think you're a LOT BETTER than you think you are--hats off to you for a real cool song & a great performance. loved it all. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Bobby,
What I'm liking here the most from you, besides your usual meaningful lyrics and nice melody, is that you're achieving better song structure (verse/chorus/bridge) and establishing their individual identities lyrically and musically. This IMO, will give your songs more diversity which in turn will stimulate more general appeal and interest for your material and you as a songwriter.
Enhancing the production/performance of course can take the song to the next level--but the most important thing is writing a "good song" with your own style--and you're there! The next step just takes spending some money......(not easy for most of us).
This'n has got some serious potential mate!
steady-eddie.
Last edited by E Swartz; 08/31/14 10:44 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2014
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Bobby
Good work. Maybe a bit of production and a bit of humor. Otherwise good work. Lyrics are smart. Keep it up.
robert malin
rms
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You are a good writer and your singing is pretty dang good, too. I think you are using the same strum pattern all the way through. I would change up the rhythm between the verse and the chorus just to give it more musical variety (the bridge was sort of the same too, although you had some stops and starts).
But that is some mighty fine singing (especially in the chorus).
I would have thought that three verses, a bride and four chorus would be too much -- but it wasn't. Hey Kevin. It's always good to hear from you. You're absolutely right about the strum pattern. I just used the stops and starts on the strumming to try and set the bridge and chorus off a bit. Eddie gave me some great advice on the subject and it really helped. Thanks for the listen.
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I think you're a LOT BETTER than you think you are--hats off to you for a real cool song & a great performance. loved it all. Calvin Thanks Calvin. I appreciate your kind words and sentiment. I've never considered myself to be much of a singer or musician so it's always nice to get some props for my simple performance. Bobby http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Bobby,
What I'm liking here the most from you, besides your usual meaningful lyrics and nice melody, is that you're achieving better song structure (verse/chorus/bridge) and establishing their individual identities lyrically and musically. This IMO, will give your songs more diversity which in turn will stimulate more general appeal and interest for your material and you as a songwriter.
Enhancing the production/performance of course can take the song to the next level--but the most important thing is writing a "good song" with your own style--and you're there! The next step just takes spending some money......(not easy for most of us).
This'n has got some serious potential mate!
steady-eddie. You're a jewel, Eddie. I used your advice to try and set the chorus and bridge off a bit and I think it really helped. I appreciate you more than you know. No one has given me more direction in my songwriting than you. As for spending the money. Yeah, I don't really have any laying around for that purpose nor do I know anyone I would trust to do justice with the song. In the meantime, I just keep on writing them. Thanks again for all your help. Bobby
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
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you're doin' it again Bobby,man your songs really get to me.i enjoy your music and you made me wait to long for a new one.This one is filled with some nice lines and i always like your delivery.We can choose our friends but we can't choose our family unfortunately.Mike
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Thanks for once again taking the time to listen Mike. Your opinion carries a lot of weight with me. You are a unique and insightful story-teller and I have a lot of respect for what you do. Take care.
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Bobby,
I really like this. I read this in the lyric forum and heard it as a Southern Rock type thing (Skynyrd). That seems sorta where you took it... this would really rock with a hard-hitting band behind it.
SOLID lyric. A story well told!
Excellent.
floyd
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Hi Bobby. Good piece of work IMO. Very well written. Great hook.
Vic
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Packed full of good lines with effective and vivid imagery. And a compelling story with a super strong chorus that really sticks with you.
Like floyd I can hear it with a rockin' band.
Check out our new album Janice Merritt "Am I Blue Enough?" on Spotify, Apple Music, Pandora, Amazon and others.
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Bobby,
I really like this. I read this in the lyric forum and heard it as a Southern Rock type thing (Skynyrd). That seems sorta where you took it... this would really rock with a hard-hitting band behind it.
SOLID lyric. A story well told!
Excellent.
floyd Thanks Floyd. I appreciate your positive comments. I agree that more than most of my songs, this one would benefit from the power a band could provide, not to mention a lead singer with a more powerful voice. Take care. Bobby
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Hi Bobby. Good piece of work IMO. Very well written. Great hook.
Vic Thanks Vic. This is one of those songs that came quickly and didn't really require a lot of rewriting. Those seem to always work out better than the ones I fuss with a lot. Thanks for the listen. Bobby
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Packed full of good lines with effective and vivid imagery. And a compelling story with a super strong chorus that really sticks with you.
Like floyd I can hear it with a rockin' band. If both you and Floyd suggest that it would be better with a band, I'll start shopping it around right away. I appreciate the help. Thank you. Bobby
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Joined: Sep 2004
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Hi Bobby, There is an authenticity to this. So if you are actually some rich dude that went to Yale you faked me out. Just the phrases you use are understated and sound right. Also it is cleanly written and flows nicely. I even like the lo fi treatment. Works for me Bobby.
Tom
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Joined: Aug 2009
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Really well done Bobby. The write is tight and your melody has a edgy feel to it.I really enjoyed it!
Todd
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Tom: I appreciate the comments. I worked as a Correction Officer for 20 years and it still seeps into my songwriting quite a bit.
Todd: Thanks for the listen.
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