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Hi JPFers-
This was done somewhat quickly back in 2010 on either a FAWM or 50/90 challenge, for those of you who know what that is.
My collaborator, Billy Sea, saw the lyric, liked it and put music and vocals to it.

It is still somewhat rough but will probably remain mainly a just guitar vocal, but..
I am re-visiting it to tweak the lyrics and/or music to hopefully make it better -I based this lyric on things my husband was facing at the time. (still is, actually)

I really appreciate any help on how to make lyrics better, etc..and should I have it GRAYED around the edges to be a take on FRAYED around the edges???

**PLEASE listen to the verse and chorus melody but read the lyrics in blue as these are what I wanna change them to-I hope it is not too confusing but I put below the original lyric on top but then my ideas for lyrical changes below in BLUE and want to know if you like those change ideas or not. I am open to all advice!! smile

Also, I know the bridge melody would have to be a completely different melody than the old one for the lyric change, and there may have to be some slight variation on the verses melody too but I hope not too much. I am hoping Billy and I can work on this over skype to fine tune each line for meter purposes but want mostly advice on the content for now...now do I have you completely confused? grin

Kimberly

A Little Gray Around the Edges

Verse One (OLD)
That alarm clock's beggin' to be thrown at the wall
Heck, I don't feel like I got any sleep at all
But the fat cat bank always needs to be paid
So I drag myself outta bed for work today
My job description grows every time I turn around
They're tryin' to work this gray haired man into the ground

NEW verse to replace verse one

My alarm clock’s fixin’ to be flung at the wall
hell, I don't feel like I got any sleep at all
but the bills keep coming and they’ve gotta be paid
So I drag myself outta bed for this job I love to hate
My work load’s growing ‘cause the company’s scaling down
at this rate, they’re driving me straight into the ground



Chorus
I'm too old to leave
Too young to retire
I'm over a barrel
If I say a word, I'm fired
No one would hire me at this MY age
'Cause I' m just a little grayed GRAY around the edges

Verse Two OLD
My pay never rises while benefits disappear
I've passed on taking vacation for six years
If I did it'd take a month to catch up
I work the job of three men and keep my mouth shut
I'm sure one day I'll be replaced by a machine
But it won't work as hard as me, I guarantee

Verse Two NEW
My pay never rises while my benefits disappear
I've passed up on vacations going on five years
If I took one it'd take me weeks to catch up
so I work the job of three men and keep my mouth shut
I’m afraid one day I'll be replaced by a dumb machine
or this made with pride in the USA’ll fly overseas


Repeat Chorus



Bridge OLD
New guys on the job make more than I do
I've given them my all, I've lost my youth
Threats of lay-offs, boss ridin' my back, and long hard days
I wonder if it's worth this minimum wage
Bridge-NEW
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’ve got a job
I’ve given my best, my strong back and my youth
Waiting on some whippersnapper to come take it all away
‘Cause they claim they’ll do my job for minimum wage (*spoken* yeah right, maybe for a month or two)


Repeat Chorus


© 2010 -2014 BMI Kimberly Hales Kime/Billy Sea


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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Kim, being a little gray around the edges myself, I relate! Your song sadly has a lot of truth in it.

Tom

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Kim,

This has a Buck Owens feel and vibe, as well as the lyrics. This is not an easy one gauge quickly, as like you say this production is very raw.

The first thing that jumps out musically for me, is I'm just not sure there's a strong enough melody here to grab you. The Bridge needs a melody change IMO, and I think should remain with the song's established tempo--but also, with this fairly up-tempo song you may not even need a Bridge--I'd look to use musical solos and or interludes.

The chorus, IMO, doesn't stand out quite enough, but production could assist that a bit. I think this type song needs a catchy chorus melody to drive the theme home. I would experiment slowing the song down a tad. You might look at using a sarcastic comedic attitude with these lyrics as well.

I'd focus on getting the tempo consistent, better lyric/music prosody with the lead vox, as some words sound held out of necessity rather than music design. Also, try using a stronger attitude performance-wise with not so much "straight" honest complaining but maybe using an attitude with a wry smile or sarcasm. Picture Roy Clark doing a Buck Owen's song--(this version is more Buck Owens), Clark would say the complaining lines more wittingly and the serious lines more poignantly. He was truly a great performing artist and a fabulous musician.

This song is one to have fun with, yet still get your "serious" point across. Just some ideas for you guys and of course JMO. I do like the BLUE Lyrics better from just looking at them--although I like "thrown" better than "flung, and gray better than fray." I won't delve into the lyrics per line--but strive to get them to fit and flow with the music better in places.

Nice start, but some work here to do. You asked for help, so hopefully something here may help. You don't need me to tell which lyrics of the two flow better--experiment.

steady-eddie.

Last edited by E Swartz; 08/20/14 12:16 PM.
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Hi Kimberly,

This is very relateable.


this works for me...
GRAYED around the edges


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

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Thanks Tom for taking time to listen and comment and I am glad you liked it and found it to be true to life, I figure some could relate to this one..

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
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littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Originally Posted by E Swartz
Kim,

This has a Buck Owens feel and vibe, as well as the lyrics. This is not an easy one gauge quickly, as like you say this production is very raw.
yes, it is somewhat old school
The first thing that jumps out musically for me, is I'm just not sure there's a strong enough melody here to grab you. The Bridge needs a melody change IMO, YES I agree and I told him, it needs to change more and I think should remain with the song's established tempo--but also, with this fairly up-tempo song you may not even need a Bridge--I'd look to use musical solos and or interludes. I have been told on SONGU by the pros that people do not like songwriters putting in solos anymore, that if they decide as the artist to add one they will...it is different than it used to be. not sure why

The chorus, IMO, doesn't stand out quite enough, but production could assist that a bit. I think this type song needs a catchy chorus melody to drive the theme home. I would experiment slowing the song down a tad. You might look at using a sarcastic comedic attitude with these lyrics as well. I want it sarcastic a little but also truthful, not too comedic...:) I hope he will be open to making melodic changes , we will see...

I'd focus on getting the tempo consistent, better lyric/music prosody with the lead vox, as some words sound held out of necessity rather than music design. Also, try using a stronger attitude performance-wise with not so much "straight" honest complaining but maybe using an attitude with a wry smile or sarcasm. Picture Roy Clark doing a Buck Owen's song--(this version is more Buck Owens), Clark would say the complaining lines more wittingly and the serious lines more poignantly. He was truly a great performing artist and a fabulous musician.

This song is one to have fun with, yet still get your "serious" point across. Just some ideas for you guys and of course JMO. I do like the BLUE Lyrics better from just looking at them--although I like "thrown" better than "flung, OK and gray better than fray." I did not mean to use the word FRAY I meant to say the word GRAYED to make it seem almost like he is saying he is FRAYED but saying GRAYED instead, get it?? smile I won't delve into the lyrics per line--but strive to get them to fit and flow with the music better in places. I plan to...if Billy is open to it.

Nice start, but some work here to do. You asked for help, so hopefully something here may help. You don't need me to tell which lyrics of the two flow better--experiment.

steady-eddie.


Thanks so much Ed!!!


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
Email for Song Business Only
littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Originally Posted by Calvin
Hi Kimberly,

This is very relateable.


this works for me...
GRAYED around the edges


Calvin
Thanks Calvin, I am still debating that but thought it could make a good take on the word FRAYED like his nerves are frayed but say GRAYED...;)
I am glad you liked it

Kim



http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Last edited by KimberlyinNC; 08/22/14 05:35 PM.

*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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For a song like that to work, I think the lyrics have to come in a consistent rapid fire way like a Ray Stevens song. This one has a bit of rapid fire, then an awkward pause, then another rapid fire bit another awkward pause, and so on.

You are going to have to work closely with Billy to get the words to work with his melody and rhythm. Plus the music suggests a light-hearted look at a serious situation so I would try to keep the lyrics in keeping with that......funny, or tongue in cheek. Right now, it starts out kinda funny then turns into a gripe session in V2.

I would suggest listening to some John Prine and then taking another look at it.


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


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Sorry Colin, I missed this post. I appreciate your advice on this. I hope we get to re-visit this song...now it seems he is swamped with his own job so it may not happen now...but if it does I will keep your ideas in mind
Thanks!
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
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Email for Song Business Only
littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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I hear Three-part harmony and a harmonica in there somewhere. A producer would say, "Let,s fatten that up!" Good work you guys/girls...


rms

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