9 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill),
3,725
guests, and
277
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
Top 500 Poster
|
OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329 |
What My Woman Says.
Can’t buy a paradise island Money’s my stumbling block But even when I’m broke My woman says I’m her rock, And I’ll never get an oscar I’m no Daniel Day Lewis But my woman says I’m sexier That any hunk in show biz.
chorus What my woman says Keeps me where I wanna be What my woman says Makes me glad I’m me, In every word she speaks And every line or phrase, To me it’s clear I was born to hear What my woman says.
Well I’ll never be president Cause I don’t own a suit But when I've nothing on My woman says I look cute, And I’ll never be a rock star I’m stuck with the rush hour But my woman says she loves me When I sing in the shower.
chorus
bridge And when the boss gets on my case And I come home all uptight She says he’s a jumped up chump in a sweater And I feel a whole lot better Cause my woman’s always right.
chorus
Last edited by John Paragreen; 07/31/14 05:51 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072 |
Hi John, who doesn't love a love song? True it's the most written about topic of all time, but it's what makes life go round too. I like your title/hook here. Simple but says a lot. Your chorus makes good use of the hook, and meters smooth as butter. With the verses I'm having a little trouble with the meter of the two. I can't really get them to flow with any of the melodies I'm hearing. If you don't have one already, you may want to work on that, to make it easier for someone else to work with. In verse one though it looks good, the Lewis/biz rhyme seems a bit awkward, but that may just be me. Also I was wondering what genre this may be, due to the use of Danny Day Lewis. I say this because I'm not sure the younger generation will relate to him. He's my age BTW, lol. I also think that you can probably get away with the word "cool", but for me anyway "groovy" would be a red flag. Again thinking target audience here. All and all I really like this. It's short, sweet, to the point, and well phrased. Good job! David
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
Top 500 Poster
|
OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329 |
Thanks D, good points, I agree groovy feels awkward, I'm open to suggestions for that, originally it went,but my woman say I rock her I never thought about audience, but at my age there's no use trying to write for a young audience, No I don't have a melody I just write lyrics, but usually if a musician decides to do the song I'll alter or rework any hiccup, all the best,john
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072 |
Don't know. Maybe "but my woman says I sound great". Simple to the point?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 570
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 570 |
John, I think you nailed the Chorus. 'what my woman says' seems to be the secret in all the long, long time marriages among my acquaintances. (goes both ways-don't forget)
Minor tweaking in the verses can make it contemporary and timeless. I agree with finding something different than groovy.
Pam
Never think can't do - think how to
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
Top 500 Poster
|
OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329 |
Thanks D, I've went for She loves me meantime, but I'm still searching thanks P, I've made some changes, all the best,john
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|