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TIME
by Martin Lide. 02/15/19 02:16 PM
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Ashes
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Grammys
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#1145208 - 10/06/18 09:29 AM
OUR LITTLE TOWN. First draft complete lyric
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,275
Travis david
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Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,275
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
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Thanks for comments and suggestions Gavin 9 ne Vic Thus is the first completed first draft
IN OUR LITTLE TOWN V Gaslights flickered, dancing to the call of the wind frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white. Attaching to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins all coat collars lifted high against another cold winters night
V Terraced coal fires blazed from black cast kitchen ranges Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap Falling to the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages While mother sits knitting, water still dripping from that sink tap.
C This was our little town 'til that poison pen planners use scrawled, TEAR IT DOWN This was our little town Steam trains pulling, rattling bogeys PM to AM. Ships announcing,unloaded! off home again. So much for our heritage, level it to the ground Maybe ghosts sadly hang their heads- This was our little town
V Inclement weather snarled, bit like a rabid dog On my bedroom window collages in ice glowed, when the sun shone string tied to letter boxes, games of door knocking in thick fog then sheepishly my first long trousers where had the years gone B I remember it so well every sound every smell Strike a match the paper was lit firewood cracking like a whip Homes known as two up two down In our little town
C
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Song idea very wordy at the moment. Unfinished just two verses and chorus idea
IN OUR LITTLE TOWN
Street gaslamps flickered, dancing to the call of the wind frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white then attached itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins coat collars lifted high against another cold cold winters night
Terraced home coal fires blazed from black cast iron kitchen ranges Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap Falling onto the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages While mother sits knitting, water still dripping from that sink tap I remember it so well every sound every smell Strike a match the paper was lit firewood cracking like a whip Neighbours sat on their steps summer nights gossiping until the fading light All the smells all the sounds all around in our little town
Last edited by Travis david; 10/07/18 09:03 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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#1145210 - 10/06/18 09:59 AM
Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?)
[Re: Travis david]
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 482
Gavin Sinclair
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 482
Conover, North Carolina, USA
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Firstly, it can't be too British  I think this is very evocative. I brings vivid images to mind and, for some people, to the memory. A couple of suggestions. You are painting pictures here, we don't need the past tense. It is in the past, of course, but it's also in the present as you paint it on the canvas of memory. For me, it would work better, feel more immediate and real, if you replaced past tense verbs with the continuous -ing form... Street gaslamps flickering, dancing to the call of the wind frost in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white attaching itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old men's chins etc. Also, you do such a great job evoking a winter's night, and then suddenly we are jarred out of it into summer. Why not stick with the winter night and develop that further. I love the indoor scene with the fire, newspaper, knitting, etc. It feels very real. As for being too wordy, that would depend on the musical treatment. It can always be trimmed, if necessary.
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