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#942076 - 01/24/12 09:33 AM
Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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This is the 1st collab David and I have done. His friend the young and very talented Tiffany is singing. All comments are welcome and very much appreciated!
http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11388510&q=hi
Here is the rewrite please take a look and let me know if anything feels out of place. I'm leaving the original under the rewrite... Thanks! 
Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012
Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011
He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he (hand)picked them
I can't afford the bill
Rise
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night
OR this rise
Rise
Cause it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs
Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run
1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed
Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines
2- I don’t have a target
Tattooed on my (fore)head
3-Flowers and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed
4-Flowers and I'm sorry
They won't make me forget
If his fling was due to whiskey
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead
Hangin’ on left his arm
Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)
Chorus
Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
The first time he lied, the first time I should’ve said
OR
Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
If he kissed me once I know where it end
Chorus
Tag
Run Heart Run
Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011
He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I should believe him
When he opens up his mouth
So he sent us roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
I'm not falling for it
Wait until we get the bill
Rise
Better listen this time
I need you on my side
Chorus
Run heart run
We both know he's a loaded gun
Don't you listen to him
And his smooth talking tongue
It's bad enough
I can't forget his tender touch
How 'bout you help me out
Run heart run
You’re the one he hurt most
So how could you forget
He blamed it on the whiskey
Well then he ain’t sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And it wasn’t in a bar
But he had a bleached out blonde
Hangin’ on to left his arm
Rise
If we go out tonight
When I say goodbye
Chorus
Bridge
I don’t fool so easily
So don’t you argue with me
I’ll let him kiss us once, just once and then
Chorus
Tag
Run heart run
Just run heart run
Edited by Dottie (01/31/12 11:04 AM)
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#942080 - 01/24/12 10:07 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Dan Sullivan
Serious Contributor
Registered: 07/17/10
Posts: 2121
Loc: MI
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Dottie, Great title! What I like about the song is the beat, the rhythm of it and the way the title serves as the payoff line in the chorus. Overall, I also like the melody. The lyrics are pretty good until the second chorus, where they run out of gas and founder a bit. I don't like the line about a bleached out blonde hanging on his left arm. And I don't like the lyrics of the bridge. But maybe I'm off base there, and maybe others will think it works fine. Having said that, this is a pretty good effort. Keep up the good work.
Edited by Dan Sullivan (01/24/12 10:57 AM)
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#942084 - 01/24/12 10:47 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dan Sullivan]
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Pamela Bowne
Serious Contributor
Registered: 01/04/01
Posts: 401
Loc: Carrabelle, FL USA
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Dottie and David, what an awesome colab. Tiffany sounded surpurb, except for the "Won't you please" in the bridge. I feel it would have sounded better as written. Maybe it would have to be sung "Don't you,, argue with me." Great title/hook/idea.
Pam
_________________________
Never think can't do - think how to
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#942159 - 01/24/12 09:10 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Pamela Bowne]
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Scott Campbell
Top 10 Poster
Registered: 07/22/05
Posts: 10861
Loc: Lakeland, FL, USA
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This is fabulous, Dottie. That hook and the way it leads off the chorus feel like hit material to me.
I DO believe the lyric could be fine tuned a bit. Dan hit on one line. Another that could be smoothed out some is "Don't you listen to him". It sounds one syllable short of a good match to me.
But, again, this is something special I think - worth putting some finishing touches on.
Scott
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#942239 - 01/25/12 11:08 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Scott Campbell]
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MFB III
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 08/18/10
Posts: 2698
Loc: ohio
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I love your conversation with your heart, and how you both deal with a heart breaker, this is a great idea for a song. Lovely stuff as always Dottie.~~~~MFB III
Edited by MFB III (01/25/12 11:08 AM)
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#942266 - 01/25/12 12:37 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Nelson
Serious Contributor
Registered: 06/12/10
Posts: 906
Loc: Baltimore, MD
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Wow, You guys have a good one of your hands.
The music and the vocals really shine.
I really like the concept of her talking to her heart.
This hook is a sure fire winner.
Just a few options if you rework the lyrics
[i]Verse 1
I'm not falling for it
Wait until we get the bill
I'm not falling for it
He's betting that I will
Chorus
Don't you listen to him
And his smooth talking tongue
Don't be a fool to the promises
Of his smooth taking tongue
As I think Dan mentioned, I'd revisit the 2nd half of 2nd verse
Bridge
I’ll let him kiss us once, just once and then
I'll let him kiss us once, and you know how it will end... So...
Chorus
Run heart run...
PS. If you decide to leave it as is, I still think it's a cool song.
It's just a matter of time before some publisher notices that you are creating gem after gem.
Good luck with this one.
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#942291 - 01/25/12 02:10 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dan Sullivan]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Dan,
I don't think you're off base at all I've already changed the bleached out blonde line and I'm still working on the rewrite. The rewrite will be posted in a week or so. Thank you for your time and thoughts.
Dottie
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#942292 - 01/25/12 02:13 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Pamela Bowne]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Pamela,
Thank you for your very kind words! I've rewritten the bridge and once the rewrite is complete I'll post it.
Dottie
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#942293 - 01/25/12 02:15 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Scott Campbell]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Scott,
I agree with you and everyone that the lyric needs fine tuning. I've already addressed the line you mentioned. Thank you very much for your time opinion it always helps.
Dottie
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#942294 - 01/25/12 02:17 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: MFB III]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi MFB,
Thank you for your loyal support, I can always count on you to have a kind word for me.
Dottie
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#942295 - 01/25/12 02:21 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Nelson]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Nelson,
You have been VERY helpful! You've given me some wonderful suggestions and I am considering all of them. Thank you, thank you!
Oh and thank you for making my day too.
Dottie
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#942513 - 01/26/12 03:26 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Cognac
Serious Contributor
Registered: 07/31/11
Posts: 405
Loc: Hawaii
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WOW...what a beautiful rush into my ears!!
Very stiring...this might be your best...better than anything I've done. This is a wow moment for me.
One observation...the music should pick up in power after the first verse...maybe it's just a matter of lifting the guitars up in volume??
Anyways....awesome song!! -Tom
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#942515 - 01/26/12 03:33 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Little_stevie_b
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 3262
Loc: Hickory, North Carolina USA
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Fabulous in every way Dottie. I'm duly impressed.
Stevie
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#942606 - 01/26/12 11:19 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Little_stevie_b]
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Iggy
Top 200 Poster
Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 1049
Loc: Manheim, PA
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Great song Dottie. I too was impressed.
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#942644 - 01/27/12 01:37 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Mike Caro Substudio
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 7782
Loc: NY
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Dottie
This is the best thing I have heard from you so far I think.
GREAT job by everyone, very effective in every area. Well crafted loved the lyrics... some real nice unique lines in there.
GREAT bridge! An often forgotten about section or non effective section.
I'm real happy for you and proud of you, especially since your so new to the whole scene.
Pretty song, and it "Fly's" given the chance, as good as 90% of what Country puts out today on a regular basis.
Best of luck
Mike....
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#942726 - 01/27/12 01:49 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Mike Caro Substudio]
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the songcabinet
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 3390
Loc: Denmark
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I really like this, Dottie and David! Great hook, it catches on fast, and I love the verse melody too. I don't get the second rise, though?
But I love the singer! Really great find for this song. Sounds Dixie Chicks, methinks.
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#942814 - 01/28/12 05:07 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: the songcabinet]
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Calvin
Top 10 Poster
Registered: 04/30/02
Posts: 13421
Loc: Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
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Hi Dottie,
I see you're working on a bit of a rewrite so I'll look forward to your subtle changes.
You're becoming VERY VERY GOOD at what you do, I'm glad for you.
This is not MY favorite style of music but I certainly know a COOL song when I hear it & this is COOL.
I love this..
Run heart run
We both know he's a loaded gun
Tiffany is REALLY GOOD especially at the end of the bridge *****
Calvin
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
_________________________
Calvin
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#942831 - 01/28/12 09:40 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Calvin]
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Colin Ward
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 05/31/06
Posts: 4663
Loc: Saint Petersburg. FL
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Hey Dottie,
This one is sounding very good. Tiffany can sing it!
Lyrically, there are a couple of disconnects for me.... At some points it sounds classy and at others it sounds like rougher street talk. I don't like line 4 - maybe something like "opens his mouth to speak".
Likewise, the last four lines of V2 sound kind of rough compared to the rest.
Good one though.
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#942936 - 01/29/12 09:36 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Cognac]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Tom,
You are too kind! I've heard your songs and you know I'm a fan but I aprreciate your very kind words.
I feel like it was confusing some people so I've made some changes. I'm almost ready to send them to David.
Dottie
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#942937 - 01/29/12 09:37 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Little_stevie_b]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Stevie,
Your opinion means a lot to me so thank you very much!
Dottie
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#942938 - 01/29/12 09:38 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Iggy]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Iggy,
Thank you so much for your visit and kind words. David and Tiffany did all the real work.
Dottie
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#942939 - 01/29/12 09:42 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Mike Caro Substudio]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Mike,
There you are, I've missed seeing you around here. Wow that is a huge compliment. A few of the lines were confusing some folks like the whole talking to my heart as a seperate being so I've changed that. It really doesn't affect the lyric a lot(it seems like it would). I don't want anyone wondering what's going on sooo.
Again I appreciate your comments VERY much, you sure know how to make a gal feel good.
Dottie
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#942941 - 01/29/12 09:44 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: the songcabinet]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Magne,
Yes I agree I had some confusing lines. I think I have it all sorted out now and will be posting the rewrite today I hope. I have one or two lines I still need to work on.
Dottie
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#942942 - 01/29/12 09:45 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Calvin]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Calvin,
Yes I think Tiffany could sing the phone book and I would love it! Thank you for your very kind words.
Dottie
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#942943 - 01/29/12 09:46 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Colin Ward]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Colin,
I agree and that line is gone now along with a few other trouble spots. Thanks for taking time to listen.
Dottie
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#943029 - 01/29/12 07:35 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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TamsNumber4
Top 200 Poster
Registered: 05/19/10
Posts: 2038
Loc: New England
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Great re-write on this Dottie, I think it addressed the issues and it sounds really good! You go girl...I will one day say..."I knew her when!"
Tammy
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#943117 - 01/30/12 10:28 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: TamsNumber4]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Tammy,
I'm so glad you listen to the song and I'm very happy you like it. I'm still working on a few lines and I'm posting a few options for those. I'd love to know what everyone thinks is the strongest of the lines.
Dottie
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#943130 - 01/30/12 11:24 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Kevin Emmrich
Top 20 Poster
Registered: 02/24/07
Posts: 8632
Loc: Crozet, VA
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Sounds like a winner to me. Excellent production and singing. Well done on the lyrics (and I see you are working on improvements). The bridge sounded a little out of time to me -- but I see you have re-written that part too.
You are churning out some top notch demos these days!!
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#943131 - 01/30/12 11:29 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Dottie]
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Michael LeBlanc
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 01/27/05
Posts: 2518
Loc: Louisiana
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Hi Dottie,ya'll did a great job here!You have a few good sugs already but everything sounds meant to be on this one.
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#943133 - 01/30/12 11:55 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Michael LeBlanc]
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David Stuckey
Casual Observer
Registered: 09/11/10
Posts: 16
Loc: Louisiana
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Thanks for all of the comments and suggestions. I have the easy part here, I just play a few instruments to go with Dottie's great lyrics. The music just seems to fall into place when I get a lyric from her.
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#943156 - 01/30/12 02:52 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: David Stuckey]
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Vicarn
Top 200 Poster
Registered: 11/16/10
Posts: 1112
Loc: UK
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It's a hit for me.
Vic
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#943159 - 01/30/12 03:00 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dottie]
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Mackie H.
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 5683
Loc: NASHVILLE, TN
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THIS MAY BE THE ONE! THIS SONG HAS A LOT OF CLASS--IT'S WELL PRESENTED--IT COULD BE YOUR BIG HIT!
WRITE AND SING ON!
Mackie
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#943161 - 01/30/12 03:10 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Mackie H.]
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Andy Kemp
Serious Contributor
Registered: 08/26/10
Posts: 528
Loc: UK Wales
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Can't find much wrong with this one. Congrats on writing a stone cold classic country balled. The vocal/lyrics are pro as is the mix.
There's just so many great parts to this song that I'm just going to leave this post with one simple line......This song makes me want to write.
Great work guys just pure class!
_________________________
http://soundcloud.com/m0rkWork for hire Acoustic or Electric studio quality guitar tracks done very cheap just email: Email -- mork1976@gmail.com or I.M me at m-0-r-k@hotmail.com
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#943163 - 01/30/12 03:28 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Andy Kemp]
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KimberlyinNC
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 4153
Loc: North Carolina
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Dottie, as I said on the muse, this is a very good one....indeed...I will offer my thoughts on the lyric ideas but of course, you have to make the decision.  I hope it is helpful....good luck on this one
Kim
Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012
Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011
He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he handpicked them
I can expect a bill--maybe use... I'll owe/pay for them still? just a thought, but may not work..
Rise
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night
OR this rise
Rise
And it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs I like this one better, the wolf came out of nowhere... for me...and I like heavy best
Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run
1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed
Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines
2- I don’t have a target
Tattooed on my (fore)head
3-Flowers ROSES? since you named them as roses earlier? I like this line best I think... and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed
4-Flowers and I'm sorry
They won't make me forget
If his fling what about --? if cheating was due to the whiskey , because to me fling is a tiny bit fancy and not usual for country, in my mind was due to whiskey
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead
Hangin’ on left his arm
Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)
Chorus
Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
The first time he lied, WAS the first time I should’ve said
I am not trying to re-write this for ya, girl. just offering a couple of small alternatives to consider, but either one you choose it will be good!!!! 
Kim
Edited by Kimberlyinnc (01/30/12 03:31 PM)
_________________________
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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#943166 - 01/30/12 03:33 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dottie]
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Dannyk1
Serious Contributor
Registered: 09/12/10
Posts: 305
Loc: Irving, Texas, USA, Earth, Sol...
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Hi Dottie,
I think you really have something here. The original write works better for me than the re-write. There are a few little spots that might be able to use a little bit of ironing out though.
When I listened to the song, I noticed the singer departed from the lyric in several places which fit very nicely and I would keep the lyric the same as it is sung. For me, the song is very well done with the exception of the little nits that I picked out. In my opinion, this song doesn't need much help.
You are getting better and better Dottie. Keep it up girl!
Danny
But he had a bleached out blonde
Hangin’ on to left his arm
I like the redhead part of the re-write:
But had a young redhead
Hangin on left his arm
I know the metre is a tad bit different but phrasing will make it work out nicely
In the last rise I would use will instead of when to accentuate the head/heart struggle.
Rise
If we go out tonight
When Will I say goodbye
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#943197 - 01/30/12 09:05 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dannyk1]
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Douglas Murphy
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 4758
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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Hello Dottie.
You have received some great advice already. I'd take it and re-write again. This is really very well done and sounds like what is charting out there now.
Keep at it and get it as good as you can and then IMO try to plug it.
Good luck.
Douglas
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#943236 - 01/31/12 06:31 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dottie]
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Colin Ward
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 05/31/06
Posts: 4663
Loc: Saint Petersburg. FL
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Here is the rewrite please take a look and let me know if anything feels out of place. I'm leaving the original under the rewrite... Thanks! Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012 Dottie Corley & David Stuckey © 2011 Rise Like a wolf he thrives Under the cover of night This oneOR this riseRise And it’s a hefty/heavy price Now I see (the) caution signs Chorus Run heart run 1-I won’t be a target Or comforter for his bed This oneOr one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines2- I don’t have a target Tattooed on my (fore)head 3-Flowers and I’m sorry Won’t make me warm up his bed 4-Flowers and I'm sorry They won't make me forget If his fling was due to whiskey Then he ain't sober yet He was seen last Friday And he wasn't in a bar But had a young redhead Hangin’ on left his arm Rise If he calls back tonight I'll just say goodbye, (and) Chorus Bridge I don’t know why I didn’t see He’s got a masters’ in deceiving The first time he lied, the first time I should’ve said
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#943243 - 01/31/12 09:46 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Kevin Emmrich]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Kevin,
David and I both love the original but I played it for some Music pros and they found parts of it to be confusing. I can understand why they were confused and I THINK/HOPE it's not confusing now.
Thank you for your very kind words it means a LOT to me.
Dottie
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#943244 - 01/31/12 09:48 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Michael LeBlanc]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Michael,
Thanks for the visit. To be honest David and Tiffany did all the heavy lifting. I'm just thrilled to be working with them!
Dottie
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#943245 - 01/31/12 09:54 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: David Stuckey]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi David,
You are being humble and that is such a wonderful and difficult thing to be. I used to pray for humility, got a heavy dose of it and quit lol. BUT I am once again praying for humility. My grandfather was the most humble person I've ever met and it if I could be like anyone I'd want to be like him.
I think you've done an awesome job on this song. You and Tiffany are a blessing for me and I won't for a second forget that!!
Dottie
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#943246 - 01/31/12 09:55 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey)
[Re: Vicarn]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Man of few words,
You are indeed a man of few words Vic! I appreciate the words though.
Dottie
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#943247 - 01/31/12 09:57 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Mackie H.]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi there Mackie,
I hope you're right. I think Tiffany sounds great but she would sound even better on the radio. I have always been a dreamer so there is no use stopping now.
Dottie
Edited by Dottie (01/31/12 09:58 AM)
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#943248 - 01/31/12 10:00 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Andy Kemp]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Andy,
I hope you are doing well. I don't see a lot of you around here these days but I've yet to hear one of your that I didn't love!
Thanks for the awesome compliment.
Dottie
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#943249 - 01/31/12 10:09 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: KimberlyinNC]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Kim,
I always appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. Thank you for that! I'll comment on your comments, lol.
He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he handpicked them
I can expect a bill--maybe use... I'll owe/pay for them still? I think we've got this part worked out I'm going to edit the rewrite but I DO appreicate your suggestion! just a thought, but may not work..
Rise
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night
OR this riseRise
And it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs I like this one better, the wolf came out of nowhere... for me...and I like heavy best Yes we're going with this one.
Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run
1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed
Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines
2- I don’t have a target
Tattooed on my (fore)head
3-Flowers ROSES? since you named them as roses earlier? I like this line best I think... and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed
David like #4 best so I think we're going with it.
4-Flowers and I'm sorry
They won't make me forget
If his fling what about --? if cheating was due to the whiskey , because to me fling is a tiny bit fancy and not usual for country, in my mind was due to whiskey I like that too but I needed at least one less syllable there for it to fit well (least I think I did).
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead
Hangin’ on left his arm
Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)
Chorus
Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
The first time he lied, WAS the first time I should’ve said
Thanks for your time and thoughts Kim!
Dottie
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#943250 - 01/31/12 10:16 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dannyk1]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Danny,
We like the original too but I played it for 4 music pros and they thought it was confusing. If we're going to pitch the song too they have to like it so I felt I had no choice but to do a rewrite.
Lisa Palas told me (and I know it's true) that today woman like to sing about their strengths and some parts made her sound weak. I feel like I have fixed that. Some didn't get that she was talking to her heart so I had to change too. I think the rewrite makes it clear and still has the same meaning.
Dottie
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#943253 - 01/31/12 10:17 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Douglas Murphy]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Douglas,
Thanks for the visit. If you have a minute I'd love to know what part you think needs rewriting? I do want it to be as good as possible.
Dottie
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#943255 - 01/31/12 10:20 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Colin Ward]
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Dottie
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 3109
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Hi Colin,
You and I think alike but most people don't agree with us. I think we have it worked out and I'll edit the rewrite. Thank you very much for your opinion!! It really helps to know what everyone thinks.
Dottie
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#943256 - 01/31/12 10:21 AM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dottie]
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DonnaMarilyn
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 3635
Loc: Netherlands
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Great sound, Dottie. Really fine song.
I've not read what others have said, so hope I don't repeat anything.
A few comments/suggestions below. KOS, of course.
Donna
Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012
Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011
He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now Can leave this 'so' out. You use 'so' in line 4.
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he handpicked them
I can expect a bill
Rise No.
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night
OR this rise
Rise This one sounds and fits better. Maybe along the lines of 'It's a high price to pay/Now I see the caution signs.
And it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs
Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run
1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed No. No connection between 'target' and 'comforter', and the image of a 'comfort blanket' doesn't suit.
Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines
2- I don’t have a target No. There's no mention of 'target' in the rest of the lyric. The image doesn't suit.
Tattooed on my (fore)head
3-Flowers and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed No on this line.
4-Flowers and I'm sorry I feel this is getting closer. Maybe something like 'flowers and apologies/Won't make me forget'. Mention specific flowers.
They won't make me forget
If his fling was due to whiskey
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday Suggest making this line active rather than passive, as it sounds too formal and at odds with the tone of the rest of the verse. Have someone actually seeing him.
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead Suggest re-wording this for maximum impact. I don't think 'young redhead' and 'left arm' details are that important. I'll come back to this if anything springs to mind. ;)
Hangin’ on left his arm If you change the previous line (e.g. 'But headin' for a rest'rant') , you could end with something like 'And a redhead on his arm'. OR 'With a redhead on his arm' if you have him heading for the restaurant or whatever.
Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)
Chorus
Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving The word 'master's' might be obscure. Not everyone will know it refers to a master's degree. Or at least I'm assuming it does. Plus it sounds out of place, as there's been no mention of education. It introduces a new element, which could confuse the listener.
The first time he lied, the first time I should’ve said
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#943284 - 01/31/12 01:05 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: DonnaMarilyn]
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TamsNumber4
Top 200 Poster
Registered: 05/19/10
Posts: 2038
Loc: New England
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Donna stole my answers...so "what she said" is my help to you Dottie....LOL!! But I agree on those two choices and all of the other smartie stuff she says!!! LOL!!
Tammy
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#943289 - 01/31/12 01:55 PM
Re: Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29
[Re: Dottie]
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Colin Ward
Top 100 Poster
Registered: 05/31/06
Posts: 4663
Loc: Saint Petersburg. FL
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Hi Colin, You and I think alike but most people don't agree with us. I think we have it worked out and I'll edit the rewrite. Thank you very much for your opinion!! It really helps to know what everyone thinks. Dottie
OK - just don't be boring! Wolves and targets are not boring. Flowers and roses are boring.
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