Donna,
he main thing here for me is the hook. Who or what are/is the memory police? A drunk's relationship fell apart okay. Who is policing who's memory? I mean it's a sad story and all but what do the memory police have to do with anything? Are the memory police even tangible?

Somehow I think something as ethereal as memory police requires a great deal of poetry or a story to make THEM tabgible rather than just a picture of a drunken artist.

What memories are we talking about? What does being arrested signify?

Sorry to be so harsh but I don't find this very cohesive.

John

Hi Donna,
I struggle with what to say here. You are clearly are very good writer. I can see it in the structure of the lyric and the pictures you paint in the verses. I am having a little trouble with the chorus. The chorus holds vital info about the story (he's divorced and drinks to drown the pain), but I don't think your hook is getting tied in there enough. After 2 reads I had to scroll back to remember how you used "memory police" in the chorus. I think you need to really hit us harder with your title . . . maybe that would be in the way it is set up or . . . I don't know.
The example that keeps popping in my mind is "The Dream Police" because after all these years (well, I'm not THAT old but I haven't heard that song in forever) I can still sing the chorus:
"The dream police, they live inside of my head.
The dream police, they come to me in my bed.
The dream police, they're coming to arrest me, oh no."

Now, I'm certainly not saying this is how you need to do it . . . heck, no (really not fabulous lyrics, but gets us to remember it for sure) . . . just trying to explain what I mean by your hook feeling a little "detached" from the rest of the lyric.

Also (this is me being picky now . . . had I just "listened" I probably wouldn't think so hard)
A third-floor room
In a second-rate house
Now it's his home
Hmmm . . . where is he living? It sounds like he's been institutionalized or in a half way house or something. But I think, certainly not if it was just a divorce . . . but if that's not the case it wouldn't matter where he was living unless you are just trying to say he's dirt poor . . . I dunno (see, now I've just confused myself Donna . . truly I don't have a major problem with those lines)

Very Nice Here:
The bottle or the breakup
Not clear what came first
Once he hungered for love
Now he lives for his thirst

Anyway, to sum it up . . . I guess I'm sorta agreeing with the previous posters here concerning the use of the hook.
Congrats for being selected and I'll await Harriet's review.
You are a talented writer nonetheless.

I think the "memory police" making an arrest is a great idea! So I think we have to look at the verses to see if they point to this great hook. If we read through we really have a competing main theme -- the "bottle". I think to maximize the hook, we will have to reduce the focus on the alcohol.

When I read through it the first time, I locked into the two line rhythmic pattern
So I didn't notice the lack of rhyming, as pointed out by Doug.

Here's just a couple potential thoughts that stay on the "memory" train and also address the meter and rhyming (maybe, I don't often pay too close attention to that stuff myself).

A third-floor room
In a second-rate house
No memories on the wall
he sleeps on the couch

freelance artist
Creates beauty for a fee
but his past is a shadow
escape is his need

Chorus
Ten years divorced
Still rigid with the shock
He clutches Johnny Walker to his chest
Maybe he hopes the bottle will block
The memory police from making an arrest

I could keep going, but it's too much work (ha, ha). I'll come back later if I get the chance. Good luck with this one.

Kevin