For what it's worth, I will throw in a chorus that I almost posted the first time I listened to your song. It's from a new song by John Terry, a fellow songwriter in my local association (Fort Worth Songwriter's association) When I first listened to your song and then thought that the chorus needed some work, I remembered how John Terry did his chorus on a song called "Just another cowboy". I thought he nailed the chorus even though I think the verses could be stronger. He wrote in his chorus:
Your just another cowboy
Your jeans are way too warn
And your boots too dusty
Just another cowboy
Your horse is way too old
And your truck too dusty
I could share a drink with you
Or dance a dance or two
But I won’t spend the rest of my life
As just another cowboys wife
The chorus "evolves" each time around to give a different shade to the title. I don't know if this is constructive to you or not because the thrust of the song is so different but I thought it was worth noting. You can here John's song here:
http://www.myspace.com/johnaterrysongwriter Also, someone mentioned how similar your song was to "Bluer than Blue" and that was also the way it hit me. The witty idea that there are "advantages" to her leaving when in fact he is lamenting her departure, creates irony that makes the listener feel like he his observing something the singer does not. I think letting the audience feel invested in the lyric is a very effective way to communicate in music. Here are the lyrics to "Bluer than Blue":
After you go
I can catch uo on my reading
After you go
I'll have a lot more time to sleeping
And when you're gone
Looks like things are gonna be a lot easier
Life will be a breeze you know
I really should be glad
But I'm bluer than blue
Sadder than sad
You're the only light
This empty room has ever had
Life without you is gonna be
Bluer than blue
After you go
I'll have a lot more room in my closet
After you go
I'll stay out all night long if I feel like it
And when you're gone
I can run through the house screaming
And no one will ever hear me
I really should be glad
But I'm bluer than blue
Sadder than sad
You're the only light
This empty room has ever had
Life without you is gonna be
Bluer than blue
I don't have to miss no TV shows
I can start my whole life over
Change the numbers on my telephone
But the nights will sure be colder
And I'm bluer than blue
Sadder than sad
You're the only light
This empty room has ever had
Life without you is gonna be
Bluer than blue
Bluer than blue
Bluer than blue
Some others may disagree with me but my way of looking at songwriting is that the first place you should look to get instruction is right in front of your eyes and ears- meaning, right there in the song you already like.
