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Okay, I've done a second rewrite of this...I'm hoping it's better?
The newest changes are now in ALL CAPS.
Travis had originally suggested the Kissin' Cousin thing, and when I originally wrote it, I had contemplated that. But, I was too focused on the truth. However, I do think that it's better for the song. Thanks for steering me away from truth, Travis!
When Michael said that no one likes a rat, I knew I had to include a rat! Thanks, Michael!

They’ve Got Me On the Run (2nd rewrite)

I caught THOSE COUSINS doing wrong
and told THEIR MAMAS (MY SISTERS BY LAW)
THIER first response was silky smooth
then I swear THEIR fingers turned into claws
I dodged THEIR blows and might have won
’til THEY recruited backup from THEIR clan
Turns out they’re rabid like THE REST
Gonna chase my hide in their beat-up van

CHORUS
They’re teaching me a lesson
They’ve got me on the run
Each one gave their blessing
They’re loading all theIR guns
The knives are being sharpened
A noose is being hung
The room is being darkened
Last rites are being sung

I’m a hillbilly by marriage
Trying to hold on to some of my roots
Where I come from COUSINS don’t kiss
And telling the truth don’t get you the boot
Look at ‘em there licking their chops
Hoping I’m roadkill by later tonight
A dead man might not tell no tales (but)
While I’m alive I’ll continue to write

BRIDGE
HEAR ‘EM CALLIN’ ME A NO-GOOD SNITCHIN’ RAT
BEARIN’ DOWN ON ME LIKE A HERD OF CATS

REPEAT CHORUS

(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling


They’ve Got Me On the Run (1st rewrite)

Thanks so much to Travis and Ricky! Based upon their feedback and great help, I’ve made some changes in ALL CAPS! Update: Thanks, Gus! I made that perceptive change of yours!


I caught my nieces doing wrong
and told their mama instead of the law
Her first response was silky smooth
then I swear her fingers turned into claws
I dodged her blows and might have won
’til she RECRUITED BACKUP from HER clan
Turns out they’re rabid just like her
GONNA CHASE MY HIDE in THEIR BEAT UP van

CHORUS
They’re teaching me a lesson
They’ve got me on the run
Each one gave their blessing
They’re loading all theIR guns
The knives are being sharpened
A noose is being hung
The room is being darkened
Last rites are being sung

I’m a hillbilly by marriage
TRYING TO HOLD ON TO SOME OF MY ROOTS
Where I come from sisters don’t kiss
AND TELLING THE TRUTH DON’T GET YOU THE BOOT
LOOK AT 'EM THERE licking their chops
Hoping I’m roadkill by later tonight
A dead man MIGHT NOT tell no tales (but)
While I’m alive I’ll continue to write

REPEAT CHORUS

(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling

Good story Lisa a couple of quick ideas;
They’ve Got Me On the Run

I caught my nieces doing wrong
told their mama instead of the law
Her first response was silky smooth
then I swear her fingers turned into claws
I dodged her blows and might have won
’til she got reinforcements from the clan
Turns out they’re rabid just like her
CHASED MY HIDE IN THEIR BATTERED OLD VAN

CHORUS
They’re teaching me a lesson
CACKLED AS THE GUN LOADS
Each one gave their blessing
COS I BROKE THE HILLBILLY CODE
The knives are being sharpened
A noose is being hung
The room is being darkened
Last rites are being sung

I’m a hillbilly by marriage
around them so long hope I don’t smell
NEVER BEEN THEIR KISSIN' COUSIN'
and the one who tells isn’t sent to hell
They’re standing ‘round licking their chops
hoping I’m roadkill by later tonight
They say a dead man tells no tales
while I’m alive I’ll continue to write

Cute song. Made me smile. Couple thoughts, mostly for meter and singing purposes. You are a very good writer. The smell/kiss/hell lines don't have much to do with each other which hurts the flow of the story. Also, in the second verse, you say they are standing around, which I think could be more descriptive, but also, in the first verse you say they chased you down...so to now have them standing around doesn't make sense. If you changed the first verse to "gonna chase me down...", that would make sense and add some suspense. As for descriptive, you might consider changing it to something like "They're dragging their knuckles, licking their chops" to make them seem Neanderthal and backwoods. Overall I love your song. Keep working on it. It's a good one, even though I'm backwoods and offended. ;-)


I caught my nieces doing wrong
and told their mama, instead of the law
Her first response was silky smooth
THEN HER FINGERS TURNED TO CLAWS
I dodged her blows and might have won
’til she got BACKUP from the clan
Turns out they’re rabid just like her
chased me down in a minivan

CHORUS
They’re teaching me a lesson
They’ve got me on the run
Each one gave their blessing
They’re loading all THEIR guns
The knives are being sharpened
A noose is being hung
The room is being darkened
Last rites are being sung

I’m a hillbilly by marriage
around them so long hope I don’t smell
Where I come from sisters don’t kiss
and the one who tells isn’t sent to hell
They’re standing ‘round LICKIN' their chops
hoping I’m roadkill by later tonight
A DEAD WOMAN MIGHT NOT TELL NO TALES BUT
while I’m alive I’ll continue to write

CHORUS
They’re teaching me a lesson
They’ve got me on the run
Each one gave their blessing
They’re loading all the guns
The knives are being sharpened
A noose is being hung
The room is being darkened
Last rites are being sung

Lisa,

Good one. It made me smile.

It has a deep-fried feel.

Dave

Sounds like the person in this song has some weird relatives. Be careful!

Hey Travis,

You've got some great ideas! I'm going to be reviewing this later and will return to respond properly.

I realized that the minivan line was short anyway so your replacement would work perfectly there.

Cackling made me cackle, as did "hillbilly code!"

That kissin' cousin line -- you've really got me thinking there! I tried using the term "kissin' cousins" several times while I was writing this, but nothing came out as good as what you have. That being said, I want to somehow keep the kissing sisters in too. Oh, I don't know!

I think that I might also have made those lines confusing because I think I made it sound like the singer is one of the sisters. I should have said something like "and the person" instead of "and the one."

Anyway...I'll be back!
THANKS for your help!
Lisa

Hi Lisa,

another cool down home write. I love these and this is no different. As I made the initial read I could see this story unfolding. I had a lot of fun with this one. Very enjoyable and delightfully detailed!

My only true suggestions involved meter problems, though I see some have been mentioned already. I also like some of Travis' suggestion, as I see you do. After this progresses more I'll try to remember to get back by for another check. Keep up the great work!

David

Lisa, After the first few lines I was shaking my head and thinking "She shouldn't have married a Redneck." So I nodded knowingly when your confession came in verse two. I pray this isn't based on any real life situation and will say a prayer for you on Sunday if it is. And hope it isn't too late. You've done good and provided some comic relief with "On the Run."

Hi Lisa,

Good story telling !


I REALLY like the chorus.


I think the verses need a little trimming here and there but overall VERY ENTERTAINING

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Again, Travis,

Okay, I’ve done a rewrite based upon some of your suggestions, and Ricky’s. I liked your battered minivan line as it was, but then Ricky suggested that I add “gonna” to that line, to add suspense, and I liked that, so I rearranged some things. I love the “hide” you came up with — lol!

Your chorus ideas were really cool, but I really do like “they’ve got me on the run.” Also, I think that “hillbilly code” is such a cute hook in and of itself — you should keep it and use it in a song!

Thanks so much for your help!
Lisa

Hi Ricky,

I’m delighted that you liked this so much!
Thanks for your nice comments and your in-depth help!
As I’ve just said to Travis, I’ve made some changes, based upon your suggestions.

You were right about verse 2 not being connected with the smell/hell lines. I’ve rewritten that so I hope it connects better?!

Knuckle dragging cracked me up, so that’s in, along with the suspense in verse one, and the back up from the clan (I kept going back and forth with back up when I first wrote this — I do think that’s much better).

I’m still looking at that claw line. I was trying to make it look like, in my imagination, they turned to claws — not that they actually had. I was worried that if I just said they had, it might not work as well. I’m still debating about that.

Also, I had originally debated about the “dead woman” telling no tales, but I like the original dead man tells no tales line. However, I did reword it, because I liked the way you had phrased that. I hope it works!

Thanks again for your assistance and encouragement with this!
Lisa
P.S. I realized that I messed with the meter when I used the knuckle line. I have a temporary replacement while I think about how to add it!

Hi Dave,

"Deep-fried" -- I like that!
Thanks for your nice visit!

Lisa

Hi Jim,

You're the MASTER of understatement!
Laughing!

Lisa

Lisa, I love these everyday type of stories.
The chorus looks neat.

Vic

Howdy Lisa........At first look this stood out to me..............
.........’til she RECRUITED BACKUP from the clan.....which even though you didn't spell it klan, that was where my mind went first.
I think a simple change to "her clan" makes it crystal...Gus

Hope it gets the music Lisa it's looking good
Travis

Hi David,

Thanks for your fun and encouraging visit! Yes, Travis and Ricky had some great suggestions and I've taken them to heart in a rewrite. I'm also tinkering with some of their other ideas and others that are running through my mind.

Thanks!
Lisa

Hi Dan,

Yes, go ahead and add me to your prayer list! This is a real issue, but not on the physical danger level described here. In what I'd hoped was a humorous way, I was trying to manifest a physical situation that represents what is being done on a psychological level. Sort of a literal interpretation of "killing the messenger!"

This took a long time to write, because it started out as an angry piece. Little by little, I whittled away at it, trying to stomp out the angry parts and replace them with humor!

Thanks for your very nice visit -- and prayers!
Lisa

Hi Calvin,

THANKS for the REALLY big REALLY! That REALLY made me SMILE!

I'm glad it's a good story because I figure I will sit around the Thanksgiving table, with this story in hand, and entertain the clan!

I'm working on that trimming!
Lisa

Hi Vic,

Yes, this is just one entry in my daily diary, pulled out at random!
I'm delighted you enjoyed it -- and the chorus!

Thanks for your fun visit!
Lisa

Hi Gus,

Oh MY! You're right about that "clan" line! In my drafts, I had "our clan" but then I thought that would make the singer sound like she wanted to be part of it. Then I had "her clan" but then I thought that made it sound like the singer wasn't related. I then settled on "the clan" -- without even thinking of the other meaning of the word!

Anyway, your change is in!

Thanks so much for your help and visit!
Lisa

Hi Travis,

Thanks so much -- I'm pounding on my piano, singing away!

Lisa

fun song but nobody likes a rat.i don't mind kissin' cousins but sisters,na.Mike

You've got that right about the rat, Michael.
Thanks for stopping by!
Lisa

Hi Lisa, I didn't see this one.

Musta been when I was off the boards for a while!

This was a real kick!
I love a good kick, ya, I love this!

Geneva

Hi Geneva,

Thanks so much for pulling this up -- I'm happy you got a kick out of it!

I'd been thinking of a rewrite on it and you prompted me to work on it some more. A rewrite is above.

Travis had mentioned the Kissin' Cousin thing and I couldn't figure out how to work it in, with the sister thing, but, after further thinking...I'm scrapping the sister thing and replacing it with the less offensive cousin thing. Sometimes, the truth cannot prevail -- lol!

Also, Michael had said that no one likes a rat, which is true, and I kept having the urge to write the rat into the lyric, which I've done now in the bridge.

I hope this new version works!

Thanks for bringing this back up!
Lisa

Hey Lisa
A fine write, I particularly like the chorus. Though I prefer the first rewrite, a bit more salacious LOL.

Peace
Joe

Hey Joe,

Darn it! I'm trying to go toward the light and you're tempting me to go back to the dark side! LOL!

Thanks for stopping by!
Lisa