It's been a while since I had a Mr Nelson song to listen to, and I always enjoy them.
This one though...I'm on the fence. I get the story and I like the overall concept but it's just not believable. I can buy into the first verse and pre-chorus but the chorus itself is too long. It could be a whole other verse on its own, as an explanation for why he can't settle down. If you did that, then you could make the pre-chorus the chorus.
What I don't buy is V2. She thanks her luck stars for him but when he proposes, she gives him the same explanation (pre-chorus and chorus) he gave in V1? It doesn't feel real to me, at least not as written. I get that you want to turn the tables on him but it feels forced this way. That chorus is just too long and specific for it to work in these two different scenarios.
I think the lyric would be stronger and more believable if you just focus on him and his inability to settle down. It would solve two issues; the too long for prime time, not that it really matters cause it's as long as you need it to be to tell your story, but it would make it shorter. Also, because there is so little variance between verse and chorus music, making the chorus another verse fixes that too.
Just my 2 cents worth. It's good to hear you again.
Ricki
Ricki, I’ve been over your post quite a few times just to wrap my head around your take on the song and your suggestions.
I really appreciate you breaking your thoughts down for me.
As for the twist in the plot, I want it to be a shock, like it came out of nowhere.
I’m sure I could write around it, explaining some things and ease the blow a bit but I want the listener to be just as blindsided as the guy.
As for the length well, I'm letting the suggestions I'm getting marinate a bit.
Thank You much...... UR 2cents r welcomed any day.
Why don’t U get down off that fence and just ride with me darling.