My oldest daughter and oldest grandson have being staying with me and going to Medical Assistant school, should finish in June..since i've been in the hospital this last time, they've not been here...after I told them what the doctor said, they've moved out...guess mom can't pay their bills no more so mom is no good to them.....last night I had a sleep study done and was gone all night, came home just now, ....yep all their stuff gone and half of mine..all the food gone but they did leave me alot of trash to clean up.
my other daughter Sherri just got here....hey I'll let it go....it's not worth fussing over..but I have emailed their dad, and most of their friends to let them know they don't live here anymore and of how they did me...plus I have more important things to worry about....
I can go back to work on the 31st, just in time to save my full time job and still have benifits...just gotta make it till I get a check...had doctor visit yesterday but he still doesn't know about the other test yet, should find out in the next couple days
I never thought my oldest daughter, grandson and grand daughter
would ever treat me this way esp since iv'e been helping them this long...you know It's not in my hands anymore, maybe this was a blessing to me cause I don't have to worry about them anymore, I can take care of myself.
The reason i'm telling all you??? Guess I needed a friend to lean on right now..so thanks...glyn
thats just outrageous Glyn-sorry you were done like that.......cut the little bastards off-whether you have 10cents or a winning lottery ticket in your future.......lock em out........and mean it!
sometimes strangers will treat you better than family...........how well I know that....hang in there........
Tom
Relatives are not all they are cracked up to be.......
When you stop giving people money, you soon find out what they really think.
Have you received an explanation from your daughter? Did she leave with no goodbyes?
I am familiar with a situation where some kids used the parents in a similar manner. They would leave and then come slinking back when they needed a place to stay or some money. The parents were suckers and always took the bums back in. And so it went over and over. DON'T DO IT! Gone is gone......take care of yourself and the heck with unfaithful relatives.
There is a song in all this - start writing!
Hard to understand how some folks view the world and their place in it. I am sure that, somehow, they are justifying their behavior. Family hurt is one thing you don't need now, but some folks are just plain selfish -- no matter how they were brought up.
Keep plugging away.
Kevin
No, no reasons except she did ask one of my other grand daughters if I was back at work yet, and when Ashley told her no, she has moved to her dads...well, maybe he will pay her truck payment and give her gas to get to school
i've helped her so many times, she is 40 years old now...It's time I took care of me....Karma will take care of her..it's hard in a way to say this, but then again it isn't....i'm sorry, my door is now closed....
yep, there IS a song in this and my luck it will ba a hit and i'll get lots of money...hahahaha off her.....lol
Wow ... can't believe it
There may be something more or other than selfishness, though. Most people can't explain why they do things, and the reasons are anything but simple most of the times.
The situation will evolve in time, in a best way or not.
take care,
Yann
Tammy doesn't like to confront anyone, on anything, when she breaks up in a realationship,it's always when the guy isn't home, has gone to work, etc....she has done this to me now twice..but it won't happpen again..
My other daughters aren't like this, Tammy always blames it on her marriage that she had for 18 years, that he told her what to do and when and how, and she says no one will control her again...but when you live with other people it's a respect thing..you need to talk things out if something is wrong..with Tammy, you never know..but from her point of view, she is always the victum...
No, I can't pay her bills anymore, she needs to get a job and so does my grandson, he's 22... and when I told them this, well they up and left...
I put myself through school and took care of 3 little girls..
oh well, someday they will learn..time to cut mommas apron stirngs and grow up....
Tammys father told her the same thing....lol...
Glyn
Many folks go through this with their kids.
There's no telling why one of your kids will turn out great and one won't.
The problem is we don't seem to be able to say no when it comes to our kids.
We might get mad at them, we might be disapointed by them, we might shed some tears because of them, but in the end we still love them unconditionally.
And sometimes it hurts.
This is so true Bill, and that' s one of the problems, Tammy knows it 's hard for alot of us to tell her no...I don't know why..but even my daughter Sherri says, why does everyone keep giving into her...she acts like others owe her something...but like you say, they are our kids and we love them...no matter what they do...well, it's gonna take me a while to get over this one, with her knowing i'm sick...it hurt to come home and find things gone....
some people just get that "sense of entitlement" going and that seems to be a difficult or impossible habit to break. No matter what happens, they will always be the victim. ... and sometimes they are and that just feeds the cycle. Good luck on this one, there is no easy answer.
Kevin
Awwww, Glyn! (((BIG HUGS))) I know all too well about "user" kids...got a couple myself! Bill's right though, it's hard to say "no". My son is 22 and my daughter is 18. He hasn't been able to find work (and he does TRY). Hates school, won't go to college. She is finally working, but it's a weird shift (4 p.m. to midnight) and I have to drive her and pick her up (sucks scissors!) I told them both I couldn't support them anymore. My cleaning business took a big dive and I'm trying to hold on to my house. The thing that pisses me off is that my son won't do ANYTHING around the house...there's a lot he could do! He's depressed and it causes him to be completely unproductive. My daughter cleans up every day, but he should be pitching in. I shouldn't have to wash a dish or take out the trash or do laundry...none of it!
With you being sick, you need their help more than ever! I can't imagine what Tammy is thinking! Does Sherri still live close by? I hope she'll be around to help you.
Glyn,
I join with the others to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. However, one of the hardest things for parents to accept is that it is not wrong for you to want to take care of YOU! Here is where you start to understand that you need to start looking out for you, and it's ok! I don't know what your network of friends is like, but start to connect with people you like to be around. Do those things that make you feel good, listen to music that brings a light inside of you. You have a right to enjoy life, absorb the sunshine!
It's going to be a change for you, but start moving towards that joy in life, even if it's one step at a time.
Blessings to you, OUR friend!
So sorry Glyn,
Likewise, we've has to "abandon" a young family member, and also a young teenager friend of the family we were trying to help.
One thing I learnt, is that we did everything we could. After that it's up to them. No excuses anymore. Hopefully one day, they'll come to their senses. Until then, protect yourself and others that are close to you from emotional damage.
Thinking of you....
cheers, niteshift
Thanks everyone...and yes Polly Sherri is like 7 minutes from me..and yes she is here everyday...and I understand Tammy and Jimmy don't want to work while going to school. but hey I did it..and they can get a job...they just don't want to..and with me sick and can't work much, they need to do their share..funny they can run arond on weekends , etc...so , when I told them they HAD to get a job...well, oh my.....how dare me....they'd rather leave...but that's ok, whereever they'er at they're still gonna havae to get a job...
these last 2 weeks with them gone, has been so good for me...so , hey they're not hurting me...they did me a favor..it's just suprised me that they'd take all the food and my stuff...
oh well...I will be ok.....
Thank you so much Nite...and i've done all I can to help them...it's time to help me now...
Here's how it usually goes.....
Phone rings I answer
Hello
Hi Dad. How are you
ME....Oh, Im good. How you doing?
Not so good. Having a bad day.
ME....I'm sorry what's up?
Got arrested today, My husband had to bail me out.
ME....My goodness, what happened?
Oh I got stopped for making an illegal left turn. The cop was just going to give me a warning but when he found out I was driving on a suspended license he arrested me. And I didn't have insurance.
ME....I thought you had a license.
I do. But rememeber when I got stopped last year and didn't have insurance and I was arrested for failure to appear on my other ticket and you had to bail me out.
ME....Yes. I thought you dealt with that.
Well,,,no. I didn't go to court because I didn't have enough money to pay the fine. They suspended my license. But I didn't know it.
ME....Well what did you think they would do? Just forget about it?
No. I was going to take care of it when I had enough money.
Me.... Ok so what happens now?
Well the Judge said I could get my license back if I paid the fines and had insurance.
So can you loan me the money.
ME....How much?
$375.00
ME....sheesh. $375.00. Damn I think I can but I need it back.
I know. I get my check on the 4th and I can send it then. But I really need it because I have to drive my husband to work because he doesn't have a license. He lost it for DUI and no insurance.
Me...OK I will send it right away but I have to be paid back.
OH I promise. I'll send it as soon as my check comes.
ME...OK Bye
Three weeks later Phone rings
Hi Dad
ME...Hi.
Dad can I send you three hundred this month and the rest next month. I had to buy a tire.
ME....Ok
One week later. A money order arrives with $200.00
That day the phone rings
Hi Dad. I'm sorry I only sent $200.00 because my battery died and I had to buy a battery.
Me
waiting to see what happens next month.
Ya gotta love them tho. They are your babies
Polly-make your kids join the military-sounds like they need some steel toed boots up their asses......the Navy/Coast Guard and Air Force will take em off your hands for a few years........that way you can at least change your address to a secret location-lol.....sounds like the little punks really need a couple of years in the Marines but I know you dont want the big bad sgts to yell at them cause it might cause psychological trauma.......good luck with them-stop being such a cream puff parent......
Tom
Bill, You must have raised that girl right. You at least got some of the money back.
Tom,
I second your motion and say military is a good option. It'll teach them discipline and they might even say thank you later.
Glyn,
Keep your chin up. Even in dark times, someone turns on a flashlight eventually.
Sorry about your daughter and grand kids. Life will be knocking them on their asses very soon.
G
Hi Greg, this is so true...they're always talking abaout karma..well next time they'll be looling in the mirror when karma hits...
and Bill, this is great..next time they call and say mama I want to come home...the next thing they will hear is a CLICK........ thanks glyn
I'd call the police and file a report of theft of your things and give them your theives last known whereabouts. I'd also tell them the same story to fire them up a bit about it. Then wait for the tear or rage filled response when they are caught with stolen goods they must return and await you to drop the charges. As you describe them, they are evil. Sorry to be harsh and I know they are your kids, but evil is evil. I'd give them a reality check that there are unexpected consequences for actions.
Brian
Brian, you are right, my oldest daughter and her son and daughter are only out for what they can get..and I hate to say it myself..no I don't mind saying it...they have no respect for anyone and don't cdare about anyone's feelings, as long as things are going their way...and the police just left..my other daughter Sherri's boyfriend has a brother on the polce force here and he took the report and they found out that Tammy is at her fathers...back in the summer, Sherri had my name and 4 numbers put on all my stuff...so when they find my stuff at Tammy's fathers house,ghey will see my name and those 4 numbers on the TV's, etc...they can't lie their selves out of this one..
I've tried to help them, but they are lazy and want others to do for them...I take alot but when I finally say no more , i've had enough...and you are right the way they treat people, they are evil and have no conscience....
i'm enjoying being here alone...and I can make it without them
thanks glyn
Glyn. I really do not know what to say about this newest situation and if I were a God fearing individual I would think that you are being tested. For what? I do not know but what I do know is that as hard as it is you have to put this behind you and concentrate on getting better and taking care of yourself.
We have no say in family, they are not choosen by us, and so how can we know how they will treat us? (Or why they do what they do.)
Take comfort in knowing that here at least you do have a shoulder to lean on and sharing these problems, talking about them, can only help IMVHO.
Have a good night, think positive and
(Even if you feel like there is nothing to smile about.)
Douglas
I don't have kids but I have a brother, sister, neice, and nephews I've done an awful lot for. Thousands of dollars never paid back.
I was thinking of which story I could tell but then one just led to another then another then another then another till finally I just was overwhelmed. Then I laughed. I've learned to laughed. I started laughing after years of praying, begging, screaming, threatening, and giving. Because I love words, I kept thinking there was a magic word that would inspire them to straighten up, to change, to end the denial, to get right. Through a support group called Al-Anon, I learned if there is a magic word to tell them, the word is "no," and though I say it to them it is to help inspire me.
I remember the first time I said it. My brother needed help again. He needed about $400 this time. I asked for what and he said "rent and groceries." I told him I'd buy him some groceries and pay his rent. He said "I need cash." Then I said the magic word, explaining to him "I asked what you needed and you said rent and groceries and I said I'll pay them. I'm not giving you any more cash."
I think I did give him more cash though it was indirect. He was overdrawn at a bank so I covered the bad checks and charges which as I recall were also around $400. Then, I watched him write another check about ten minutes later for the same amount. He said "it'll be okay because I'll deposit my paycheck on Friday." I threw up my arms, went into shock, and drove off cursing both he and I for believing stupidity.
I had to admit I caused some of the turmoil in my family. I was blamed for all of it but it wasn't all my fault. Some of it was though. In 2008, I reached a point where I told my sister "FOr the first time in my life, I feel no guilt over my relationship with you. I have made up for my mistakes." Shortly after that I told both my brother and sister they weren't welcome in my house unless they apologized to me. They haven't.
My sister and maybe my brother too has been back in my house since then. My sister was diagnosed with cancer and I chose to help her out financially. CHOSE is the big word there, I had always felt I had to do it before. She seems to have come through the treatments quite well and I don't see myself helping her much anymore. To her credit, she's paid me back for a lot of what I paid out for her during her illness. I'm okay with letting our relationship become one of seldom having contact.
One of things I learned through the years about helping people is to look at the choices they make. If they take time away from their job without pay to go camping, and then they ask me to help with the rent, I've learned not to rescue them.
I think a lot about the story of the Prodigal Son. In the 15th chapter of Luke, there are three parables: the one lost sheep out of the hundred, the one lost widow's coin, and the Prodigal Son. In those parables, the shepherd looked for the sheep, the widow looked for the coin, but the father let the son come back on his own. I learned there is a time when you have let people make their own mistakes. I've also learned they ususally make it somehow even if I don't help. It hurts but the hurt of helping is more painful and longer lasting.
A few months ago my cousin got a call from his ex-wife about their 28 year old son. He had OD'ed on drugs and was in the hospital. She wanted my cousin to come see their son and take him home. My cousin knew he couldn't help but went to the hospital about sixty miles away. He called me from the hospital and said he couldn't find the strength to go see his son. He finally realized there was nothing he could do to help his son that he hadn't done before. He came back and a few days later his son called him from a rehab place about coming to live with my cousin. My cousin told him no, told him he's an addict, and until he faces that fact he won't change. (In case you think my cousin's cold hearted, there's a lot more to this story that started about twelve years ago.)
I don't know if it will last but this past weekend my cousin told me son was rehired at a company that told him if he passes random drug tests, he has a job. He's expecting a child. Maybe his finally faced his demons when my cousin said "I can't help you, son."
It's harder when it's your own kids. Al-Anon helped me. I know people in Al-Anon who have spoken through tears of how they told their children to go live on the street. Al-Anon helped them too.
Well, writing that was cathartic!
Glyn,
when my mother had her upper right lobe removed (cancer) everyone in IC said they weren't worried about her. It's the nice ones they worry about. It's so cool to see you fight back. Whoop some butt into butter!
John
Glyn: Hope you are doing better, sorry to hear about your family situation.
Ott
Hi Glynda
So sorry to hear this, you've been through the ringer hah. Yep, I certainly now how you feel, and I can tell you I won't be going into the details of all the stuff I've been through, so I will just send you a big Aussie Hug.
I've been reading all the posts, and it's nearly my bed time, so I better go listen to some songs whilst I've got a chance.
Lv Michele
Glynda, I'm sorry for your troubles, but it's not surprising, the bible describes what the last generation will be like, and what you and others here have been saying, it suits them to a T. I wish I could remember just where to find it in the bible, when I come across it, I will send it to you. The best thing you can do for yourself and for them, is exactly what you are doing. They may hate you for it for a while, but in the long run they will thank you. Don't beat yourself up because of it, it is not your fault, it is the sign of the times.
40 --- maybe she needs to --- oh, grow up. Pathetic.
Tom
Yes, you would think at 40 she'd grow up by now..but it's kinda mine and her fathers fault too, with her, for some reason we'd given her almost everything she's asked for..the others ask, why do ya'll do everything for her and give in to her, let her do it herself..
well, I was trying to help her get finished with this school so she could have a better life for herself, and she was tied down in a bad marriage for a long time....then I think
look what i've been through in my life....I had to grow up at 17, and take over a role of mother and father..and with God's help, I made it..
yes, Tammy is 40 and my grandson is 22 ,when they first startd school, they both said they'd get a part time job, and help out..well I guess they're still looking, cause that never happened..
so, this happening and the way they did it...well I certainly hope they have someone to help them now cause i'ts out of my hands and i'm better off...I can take care of myself jusst fine..
I'm going back to work Saturday, will only work 3 nights a week but that's all I need...and i'm feeling ok, still haven't heard back from my biopsis but should soon, then i'll take it day at a time and i'll be fine...so them doing this was in my favor..I don't havae so much to worry about...i'm free....i'm free...
it is sad when your children or loved ones do these kinds of
things..and they know i'm sick, all I asked them was to get a part time job and help out with the money they need to get back and forth to school and to pay her truck payment, ..i'm struggling to pay my own bills and that's the only thing I can pay....and this is how they respond..well I have nothing else I can do for them...then I went into remembering back when I was 17...oh well....there comes a time when you have to shut the door
and like Tom says...it's time to ..uh..grow up
thanks for letting me get this out..man, did that feel good
I haven't read through all the threads here so I may be covering the same ground but I just wanted to say that, with kids, it's best never to expect gratitude and then you won't be disappointed. On the other, it might come years and years later. That has happened to my wife and myself and it feels good. First lesson to learn is don't take it personally and don't be bitter- love them anyway- isn't that what the song says?
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!
I sing
I dream
I love
anyway
This is so true and so good..I never give up hope ..I love this, thanks so much for posting it..
glyn
One of the poster said it best when he said, "Don't take in personally."
That is so true. I would hazard a guess that 99.9% time it has nothing what so ever to do with you, your views, your morals, your method of raising them anything. It is all them/us.
We are all individuals and all in charge of what "we" do. No one else is. (PERIOD)
The choices they make are theirs and what we have to be strong enough to do, and here I am agreeing with another poster, is learn the magic word "no" and use it more often.
That and, "Get out if you do not want to contribute to the business of living." (Even if it means they end up on the street. Their choice.)
What gets me, and I really do love em, is my two young men still living with me balking at what I see is a fair room and board. Right now it is peanuts because the oldest is unemployed, working a really part-time job and hour a day at a local school and the next prince in line is in university.
As I said they balk at the rent and have the balls to answer me back when I make a comment about drinking all the milk, for example, that they pay rent. Their rent doesn't even cover the toothpaste IMO.
They, the children of today, truly believe they are to be given everything.
Me, I am scared for them. They really do not have a clue IMO.
Heaven help them.
Douglas
Tom, my son wanted to go into the military. He tried to sign up. They wouldn't take him because he had a possession charge for pot when he was 17. It will cost $390 to expunge his record (and I don't have it) and the military would be able to see it anyway. The military would have changed his life, and he was more than willing to go! That's the sad part of it. He's STILL willing. Anyone who could get him in, let me know!
My daughter is just mentally ill. She has been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She has her good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad, bad day! She flipped out on the way to work and broke my glove compartment and tried to kick out the windshield. I made her get out of the car, drove to the police station, and had them send a cop out. She came barging into the house breaking stuff, and the cops took her to a friend's. She won't take her medication because it makes her feel suicidal and sleepy. It's a shame, because she's a beautiful girl and very gifted.
sorry about your daughter.....I will be glad to help your son deal with the recruiters in order to get an enlistment waiver......they are done all the time...........all the Army wants is to know that you are over your young and stupid behavior and ready to take personal responsibility....I will call some recruiters in June to help him get the process started......just make sure he is ready to go then....
take care-good luck with your daughter-whew she sounds like a handful alright......
Tom
Thanks, Tom! If my son gets into the military I'm confident he'll be okay from then on. I wish Shelby would get in it too for that matter!
Polly: I found your comments about your son interesting, especially regarding the drug stuff. I had the dubious pleasure of being in the military way back around Viet Nam (never got there). What I do remember is the number of fellow draftees who were in trouble with the judicial authorities. They were given a choice between 3 years in the slammer or 3 years in the army. Most chose the army. Some of these guys were downright psychotic. It sounds to me that your son is caught in one of those "politically correct" miasmas that currently even affects the military. I recall one draftee who offered to take a baseball bat to a guy who he thought had "disrespected" me. He had some great grass. I guess standards have changed.
Hope your son gets in.
Didn't know about your daughter's situation. Will send up a prayer, though given my past, not sure it will work.
Ott
Ott-I was in Parris Island-class of 71 so I know about psycho recruits in the platoon-but being the Marine Corps we also had to worry about psycho D.I.'s.........so it was alot like going thru military basic training inside the grounds of a state mental hospital.......things happened that only fellow veterans would believe.....Full Metal Jacket got the scene down pretty well.......anyway I will find Pollys son a recruiter who needs to make a quota and then off he goes................everybody deserves a second chance in life......a few years in the military has helped alot of people turn their lives around........its a crazy time in your life for sure-but mom and dad arent there to help you so you sink or swim.
Tom
