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Lonely Room

Posted By: Michael LeBlanc

Lonely Room - 01/15/18 07:28 PM

Lonely Room

You can plant roses in my heart but it wouldn't matter
Cause when you leave me the thorns would draw blood forever after
And the rains only nourish the sorrow that only blooms
Day after day,in my lonely room

You can paint a rainbow in the sky so beautifully formed
But when you leave me in an instant i can't weather the storm
And the never ending lightning flash and the rolling thunder's boom
Rattles my heart,in my lonely room

In my lonely room,it's never easy
You come and you go,it only scares me
In my lonely room,here all alone
Wondering how to stay,when you're gone
In my lonely room

No matter the situation we have it's like a puzzle in the dark
A piece goes missing it's always the piece leading to your heart
I feel you're cheating at this game and i find out much later than soon
At my time of thoughts,in my lonely room

In my lonely room,it's never easy
You come and you go,it only scares me
In my lonely room,here all alone
Wondering how to stay,when you're gone
In my lonely room
In my lonely room
In my lonely room
Posted By: Kristi McKeever

Re: Lonely Room - 01/20/18 05:08 AM

Hi Mike,

So much imagery in these lines! Really quite lovely. The line with "soon" in that last verse may need a rethink to make it conversational. But the emotion is all there and you repeat the hook to drive home the empty, lonely feelings. Really well-written!

Kristi
Posted By: Barry David Butler (D)

Re: Lonely Room - 01/20/18 05:38 AM

Beautiful and Sad.
It's funny as we must be on the same melancholy wave length tonight. I just wrote this ten minutes ago.....


"What Can I Do"
A Little prose from me late tonight. (This is Fiction)

What can you do
If you can't get along
What can you do
If you don't sing the same song

What can you do
When you don't feel you belong
What can you do
When nobody's right and nobody's wrong

I guess you just do your best
And let the chips fall where they may
Tomorrow is coming soon
And with it a brand new day

So I'm tired and ready for sleep
Or maybe just lay down and weep
I'll give another try tomorrow
Yes I have to go to sleep.

Yes MUST SLEEP....B

Mike your Story is really wonderful...I felt it all in my heart....B
Posted By: Travis david

Re: Lonely Room - 01/20/18 01:34 PM

Quite wordy Mike without a hope for the future. I think maybe a glimmer of hope?
Travis
Posted By: Deej56

Re: Lonely Room - 01/21/18 04:44 AM

Mike,

There's so much to like about this one. Some beautiful lines and imagery. In particular, my favorite; "And the rains only nourish the sorrow that only blooms"--just killer. And I like the structure of how each verse finishes on the refrain of "lonely room". I think there's some opportunity for refinement of language, which could take this from the really great to the truly awesome--e.g., I don't think the third verse is a tight and consistent with theme as the first two. But of course, just my humble opinion.

This is a terrific start to something really good. Will look forward to hearing it.

All the best,

Deej
Posted By: Michael LeBlanc

Re: Lonely Room - 01/23/18 02:08 PM

Hello Kristi,thanks for giving this a bit of your time. Mike
Posted By: Michael LeBlanc

Re: Lonely Room - 01/23/18 02:09 PM

Thanks Barry,hangin' ten on the wavelength! Mike
Posted By: Michael LeBlanc

Re: Lonely Room - 01/23/18 02:10 PM

Hi Travis,yep,all hope is lost here,no heroes in this story.Mike
Posted By: Michael LeBlanc

Re: Lonely Room - 01/23/18 02:12 PM

Hey Deej,i appreciate your visit and thoughts on this one.First write so could be changes ahead. Mike
Posted By: Vicarn

Re: Lonely Room - 01/23/18 04:33 PM

Very sad Mike, but then I like sad.

Vic
Posted By: Michael LeBlanc

Re: Lonely Room - 01/24/18 05:39 PM

Hey Vic,good to see ya.Thanks for the time.Mike
Posted By: Alanjack

Re: Lonely Room - 02/14/18 02:27 PM

Just the word soon at the end of the line seems a bit odd although I don't know what you would replace it with to rhyme with room, everything else is wonderful.
Posted By: Alanjack

Re: Lonely Room - 02/14/18 02:28 PM

Just the word soon at the end of the line seems a bit odd although I don't know what you would replace it with to rhyme with room, everything else is wonderful.
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