Wrote and posted this years ago. Thought to bring it back up.

In Awe
(04/09/01)

(A)
The cry of a loon,
a new rising moon.
Starlight reflects on the lake.
Later a mist
steals in for a kiss,
then vanish as quick as a snake.

(A)
The air it gets chilled,
I'm asked to rebuild
the fire for warmth and for light.
I gaze towards the sky,
catch a comet flash by
and dream for no end to this night.

(B)
For here 'neath Gods veil I lay humble.
Held spell bound by all around me.
I fear when my time comes I'll stumble.
In awe of the things I will see.
In awe of what is to be.

(A)
The moon settles down,
the sun comes around
and the fire's asleep like the stars.
I lay close to the coals,
feel close to my soul.
Contented in coming this far.

Copyright © 2016 by Douglas Murphy

A really lovely sentiment, Douglas, and the imagery is compelling. Very nice indeed. As a fellow Canadian, I felt very much at home in the scenario, starting with line 1, V1.

I don't know whether you plan to re-do this one (or give it music if you haven't already), but I've made a few suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course.

Donna


In Awe
(04/09/01)

(A)
The cry of a loon,
a new rising moon.
Starlight reflects on the lake.
Later a mist
steals in for a kiss,
then vanish as quick as a snake. I understand wanting a rhyme for 'lake', but the sudden appearance of 'snake' disrupts the mood for me, as snakes are generally associated with negative feelings/thoughts. Perhaps consider another rhyming word, e.g. 'wake', 'take', and so on (e.g. 'leaving xx in its wake'/ or something like 'leaving me blessed in its wake').

(A)
The air it gets chilled, Perhaps 'The air becomes chilled' (which also gives some nice alliteration in the first two lines).
I'm asked to rebuild I suggest using active rather than passive voice (e.g. 'I begin to rebuild'). This will automatically get rid of the distracting thought 'who is the other person'. ).
the fire for warmth and for light.
I gaze towards the sky, Dropping a syllable would tighten up the line (e.g. I' gaze at the sky').
catch a comet flash by Suggest 'watch a comet flash by'.
and dream for no end to this night. Suggest replacing 'and' with 'I'.

(B)
For here 'neath Gods veil I lie humble. If the singer has just built up the fire, I'd expect to have him/her sitting rather than lying. Or simply use 'I am'.
Held spell bound by all around me. The rhythm here is uneven. Perhaps tighten this line (e.g. Entranced/enthralled by the beauty around me').
I fear when my time comes I'll stumble. Introduction of the notion of fear and stumbling is at odds with the tone of the rest of the message. If you change up the rhyme scheme, you'll find other words to convey the message. Rethinking line 1 should open up some avenues (e.g. 'I lie humble here beneath God's veil' or simply 'Humblehere beneath God's veil').
In awe of the things I will see.
In awe of what is to be.

(A rough example only of an alternative approach to the bridge.)

Humble here beneath God's veil
Surrounded by nature and beauty
I know when my time comes
I'll welcome the journey
In awe of the things I will see
In awe of what is to be

(A)
The moon settles down,
the sun comes around
and the fire's asleep like the stars.
I lie close to the coals,
feel close to my soul.
Contented in coming this far.

Copyright © 2016 by Douglas Murphy [/quote]

Your words really put me out in nature, Douglas. I could feel it all around me. You set the scene.

nice picture Douglas!Get that gentle sound to it now.Mike

Douglas,

You paint a nice picture with your lyrics. Donna's made a lot of nice suggestions; all going to just tightening some of your language and rhythm. Go with what feels right for you.

I do agree with Donna though that the "quick as a snake" line really undercuts the set up: "a mist steals in for a kiss" is a nice line.

Best, Deej

Great imagery Doug I could taste that freedom
Travis

Hello Donna. Thank you for your suggestions. I have used them and sent you a PM of the re-write.

Douglas

Thank you Jim. Always appreciated.

Douglas

Hello Michael. Already looking into the music. {My wife gave me BIAB 2017 upgrade for Christmas} Will post it soon.

Douglas

Hello DJ. Thanks for stopping by. I have taken the suggestions and re-wrote. [Sent Donna a PM.]

Douglas

Hi Travis. Thanks for stopping by.

Douglas