This is a rewrite of the very 1st version!

A Train Named Regret

(c) 2015 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
I thought I left my regrets,
With a short sweet all my best,
But they tagged along with my mem'rys,
Now I'm talkin' to myself....
Where's that five nineteen to Tulsa,
Or is it this cheap watch that's off,
The fight inside my head is killin' me,
And all this noise has gotta stop....

Lift
By the time I board the Rock Island Rail,
The load on my heart is more than I can bear..

Chorus
Still I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
And all the things I could but didn't fix....
What's left of me is a woebegone,
And my mis'ry that rolls on,
I'm just runnin' from myself..
....On a train named regret..


Verse 2
I knew I'd feel some guilt,
That's somethin' I'd deal with,
She deserves a man with strong conviction,
Not a man who leaves her jilted....
But now my suitcase can't compare,
With this heavy-hearted train wreck,
I could only be a bigger disappointment,
If I could live with myself....

Lift
Now here aboard the Rock Island Line,
There's a lump in my throat as I hear her cry..

Chorus
Still I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
And all the things I could but didn't fix....
What's left of me is a woebegone,
And my mis'ry that rolls on,
I'm just runnin' from myself..
....On a train named regret..

Bridge
I'll be a thousand miles from home,
About the time she rolls over,
Reaches out,
To find a cold callous note....
And while a forlorn whistle moans,
A remorse rain starts pourin,
As the regret train rolls on and on and on....
..Final destination unknown..

Chorus
Still I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
And all the things I could but didn't fix....
What's left of me is a woebegone,
And my mis'ry that rolls on,
I'm just runnin' from myself..
....On a train named regret..







Rewrite #3

A Train Named Regret

(c) 2015 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
I thought I left my regrets,
With my regards there by the bed,
Packed my worn out suitcase,
Just took a few things and I left..
All my memories behind,
Cause outta site outta mind,
And this cold heart has been known,
To get along just fine..

Lift
By the time I reach the Rock Island Rail,
The weight is hard on my heart, heavy on my head,
I got more baggage than the luggage car can hold....

Chorus
Here on board..
This train named regret..
I know she's read my callous letter and she cries....
Here on board..
This train named Regret..
If this big lump in my throat, gets any larger in size....
This free bound man will take a guilt trip,
And she'll rides the rail with me.. (and my sorry self)..
On a train of regret....

Verse 2
The note said I wish you the best,
Ya know I can't even care for myself,
Lord knows you deserve better,
And when you find that some one else..
You'll thank me one day,
I had the guts to walk away,
Give you a chance at happiness,
Take a one way train..

Lift
This silver lady flies like a bullet thru my heart,
As I stare out the window, watch life pass me by,
There's no light at the end of the tunnel I'm goin' thru....

Chorus
Here on board..
This train named regret..
I know she's read my callous letter and she cries....
Here on board..
This train named Regret..
If this big lump in my throat, gets any larger in size....
This free bound man will take a guilt trip,
And she'll rides the rail with me.. (and my sorry self)..
On a train of regret....



Bridge
Can't give myself an even break,
On this downhill fast track,
That final mistake I made,
Left me a train wreck of a man..

Chorus
Here on board..
This train named regret..
I know she's read my callous letter and she cries....
Here on board..
This train named Regret..
If this big lump in my throat, gets any larger in size....
This free bound man will take a guilt trip,
And she'll rides the rail with me.. (and my sorry self)..
On a train of regret....


Tag
Now as this free bound man and his sorry self,
Takes a long cross-country trip....
She rides the rail with me,
On a train named regret..






Rewrite #2

A Train Named Regret

(c) 2015 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
I lightened my load,
Said a short sweet good-bye,
I pack a bag of clothes,
As I stand in the ticket line..
I hear the 509 to Tulsa,
Come to a screechin' holt,
Now me and my sorry self,
Start havin' second thoughts..

Chorus
All aboard......
A train named regret..
If your conscience don't kill ya,
And you can live with yourself..
All aboard......
A train named regret..
The whistle moans a sad sad song,
While the guilt rolls on and on..
On a train named regret......

Verse 2
I ask myself why,
I feel disappointed in myself,
She'd have a better life,
If she could find someone else..
She ain't gettin' anywhere,
I'm just a waste of her time,
I ain't ever goin' nowhere,
But I'm makin' tracks tonight..

Chorus
All aboard......
A train named regret..
If your conscience don't kill ya,
And you can live with yourself..
All aboard......
A train named regret..
The whistle moans a sad sad song,
While the guilt rolls on and on..
On a train named regret......


Bridge
If I take a one way track,
There ain't no turnin' back,
And a heart of stone is heavy,
But the baggage I'm carryin'..
..Is weighin' heavier on my mind....

Chorus
All aboard......
A train named regret..
If your conscience don't kill ya,
And you can live with yourself..
All aboard......
A train named regret..
The whistle moans a sad sad song,
While the guilt rolls on and on..
On a train named regret......









A Train Named Regret

(2015 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
I thought I left my regrets,
With the note there on the bed,
Somehow they tagged along with the memories..
And when I got to the train station,
The two made silent conversation,
Now all that noise inside my head is killin' me..

Verse 2
I knew I'd feel some guilt,
My heavy load would be lifted,
When she finds a better life with someone else..
But my suitcase don't compare with,
All the baggage I'm now carryin'
And I've never felt more disappointed in myself..

Chorus
So I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
All the things I could and didn't fix..
The guilt rolls on and on,
Like a lonesome whistle blowin',
Runnin' from myself..
..On a train named regret......

Bridge
I'll be a thousand miles from Tulsa,
By the time she rolls over,
And reaches out......
..To find a cold a callous note,
As the train of regret keeps on rollin',
The train of regreat keeps on rollin,
..The train just rolls along,
Destination unknown....

Chorus
I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
All the things I could and didn't fix..
The guilt rolls on and on,
Like a lonesome whistle blowin',
Runnin' from myself..
..On a train named regret......

Geneva, I like the form you used here. It V V C B C
Rarely see it used.

Your rhyme meter matches up and I see no issues whatsoever regarding that.

The only thing that stands out is your chorus isn't that catchy. I read it to myself ten times and it just isn't sticking. That's not to say it isn't a bad chorus but it's just lacking something in my opinion. I need some more rhyme candy. I think.

Good hook once more Geneva and some real good line in the verses.
Travis

Thank Aaron,

I work on it some more when I get a little time next week!

I appreciate your opinion here!

Geneva

Thanks Travis,

I plan to re-word this one soon!

Geneva

I Really like this Geneva,

IMO the verses could be even a bit more succinct and depressing. (in a good way). I played around w/ your verses. You're welcome to any changes. Just thoughts.

Peace,

Ian


Verse 1
I thought I left my regrets,
But here they rage... along with the memories..
Where IS the 5:19 to Portland
All that noise inside my head is killin' me..

Verse 2
I knew I'd feel some guilt,
God know's she deserves someone else..
All the baggage I'm now carryin'
And I've never felt more disappointed in myself..

This also keeps the 1st use of the word 'train' until the hook.

I agree with Aaron on the chorus. . . All the verses are nice but there's no hook in the chorus. IMO the use of "Train named regret" should be used a couple of times. . . Maybe something like this:

On a train named regret, I just keep making tracks
From all the things that I did and can't take back
On a train named regret I'm runin from the things I couldn't fix
And the guilt rolls on and on
I hear that lonesome whistle blowing running from myself
On a train named regret . . .

Just a suggestion . . . Great story though . .

Thank you Ian,

Your thoughts have been very helpful, made me look more at particulars and specifics, make it less general.

I took it a different direction,
Don't know if that's better or worse??

Geneva

Thanks Earl,

I just wrote a repetitive chorus!

Let me know if it don't work!

Geneva

A bit of a rewrite


A Train Named Regret

(c) 2015 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
I lightened my load,
Said a short sweet good-bye,
I pack a bag of clothes,
As I stand in the ticket line..
I hear the 509 to Tulsa,
Come to a screechin' holt,
Now me and my sorry self,
Start havin' second thoughts..

Chorus
All aboard......
A train called regret..
If your conscience don't kill ya,
And you can live with yourself..
All aboard......
A train called regret..
The whistle moans a sad sad song,
While the guilt rolls on and on..
On a train called regret......

Verse 2
I ask myself why,
I feel disappointed in myself,
She'd have a better life,
If she could find someone else..
She ain't gettin' anywhere,
I'm just a waste of her time,
I ain't ever goin' nowhere,
But I'm makin' tracks tonight..

Chorus
All aboard......
A train called regret..
If your conscience don't kill ya,
And you can live with yourself..
All aboard......
A train called regret..
The whistle moans a sad sad song,
While the guilt rolls on and on..
On a train called regret......

Bridge
If I take a one way track,
There ain't no turnin' back,
And a heart of stone is heavy,
But the baggage I'm carryin'..
..Is weighin' heavier on my mind....

Chorus
All aboard......
A train called regret..
If your conscience don't kill ya,
And you can live with yourself..
All aboard......
A train called regret..
The whistle moans a sad sad song,
While the guilt rolls on and on..
On a train called regret......

Yeah the chorus is getting there. Not a fan of "if your conscience don't kill ya and you can live with yourself" those are the only lines in your new chorus that don't flow with me. It's the lack of rhyme. Depending the way the singer sings it I suppose it could be forced.

Also your bridge is weird with rhymes in the first two lines and none in the three last lines.

The changes in your verses are just great imo. You definitely made those stronger. Better mental images and definitely I can see the singers dilemma playing out in front of my eyes.

This was a strong rewrite.

Hi Geneva,

I like the 1st one better. I think it actually had better specifics than the new one. Especially the bridge... Sorry.

>>> I'm just a waste of her time, I ain't ever goin' nowhere

IMO the self pitying was more poetic in the 1st version.

>>> I lightened my load, Said a short sweet good-bye,

I really don't understand this opening. I don't get how he lightened his load. And is he saying goodbye to her? IMO that doesn't make much sense for a guy running away?

All the best w/ this. IMO tweaking the 1st one might be the way to go. IMO it's darker, but more vivid darker.

Peace,

Ian

Thank Aaron,

Fortunately for this one, there's alotta directions that train can go.
Unfortunately for me, I'm workin' doubles while we got staff out.

I got lotta thoughts on this but can't find time to put 'em down,

Maybe tomorrow!

Geneva

Thanks Ian,

Your thoughts are well taken, and I might go back and try and improve on the original.

I've got a whole lotta thoughts in my head, and will rework it till it works, might find some time tomorrow.

It's really gotta be different for a train song to fly, there's so many great ones out there!

Geneva

I like the original a little better too . . . Sorry . . .
I think reworking the chorus and streamlining the verses like you did in the second will go a long way. Still a great theme though . . .

Thanks for your thoughts Earl,

I kinda went back to my original thoughts on this rewrite.

Changed it up, hopin' to improve it, or try again!


Geneva

The newest rewrite is at the top above the others.

Thanks for all the great feedback!

Geneva

I like this one much better. Nice job. Got just one little nit if you don't mind. The opening two lines of the song contradict the chorus. The first line states that the singer "left his regrets", but then the chorus and versus go on to say how he's carrying all the "baggage" and other stuff. How about switching up the first two lines a little and say something like;

I took my regrets . . .
Then left the note . . .

Just a thought that hit me right away. . . I like where this has gone though, nice job . . .

Thank you Earl,

I think I covered that, please let me know if it don't work for you, there's so much room for improvement, and still another direction might make it stronger, so I really rely on you all's feedback.

I tend to go over and over it in my mind and edit a number of times, then someone'll say somethin' that will steer it in a better direction!

Geneva

Hi Geneva,

I still like the 1st version best. Just FYI, here's the parts of the 1st version I REALLY like and why. The ...'s signify lines I'm not so keen on.

Verse 1

I thought I left my regrets,
...
Somehow they tagged along with the memories..
...
The two made silent conversation,
Now all that noise inside my head is killin' me..

I Love the conversation the regrets are having in your head. Wonderful image.


Verse 2
I knew I'd feel some guilt,
...
...
But my suitcase don't compare with,
All the baggage I'm now carryin'
And I've never felt more disappointed in myself..

The suitcase/baggage image is pretty good (but could be improved IMO) but the 'disappointed' line is an absolutely perfect intro into the chorus.
Regrets-Noise-Guilt-Disappointment. I love how it just keep piling on!

Chorus
So I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
All the things I could and didn't fix..
The guilt rolls on and on,
Like a lonesome whistle blowin',
Runnin' from myself..
..On a train named regret......

You start with 'regret' in line one and then don't come back to the word until the hook/last line of the chorus - that's really nice. The two 'runnin' from' lines are a very strong musical repetition.

I still like this chorus way better than anything since. It's metrical and moves like a train. The double negative of line 2 is really poetic. The lonesome whistle line by itself would be cliche but it's a great descriptor of the previous 3 lines. You just keep incessantly piling on the regret... on a train named regret... it's really poetic.

Bridge
I'll be a thousand miles from Tulsa,
By the time she rolls over,
And reaches out......
..To find a cold a callous note,
As the train of regret keeps on rollin',
The train of regreat keeps on rollin,
..The train just rolls along,
Destination unknown....

VERY musical. You take the train motion theme of the Chorus and double down on it. Love it. The callous note coming in here is a great twist.

Peace,

Ian

Thank you Ian for breaking down what you liked and why in the first version.

I'm ready to give it another shot, try and make it better!

Geneva

I gave version 1 another go,
it'll be posted above the others at the top!.

Geneva

Comments below. I still like V1 better. Sorry Geneva! I read your 'under the gun lyric. It has a pacing and musical relentlessness that the original of this tune had too. I'm thinking maybe your mindset for an original write and then a re-write are different? IMO you keep fixing a lot of stuff that doesn't need fixing.

I wish you all the best w/ this.

Peace,

Ian



Peace,

Ian


[quote=nightengale]This is a rewrite of the very 1st version!

A Train Named Regret

(c) 2015 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
I thought I left my regrets,
With a short sweet all my best,
But they tagged along with my mem'rys,
Now I'm talkin' to myself.... (breaks the focus of the internal conversation IMO)
Where's that five nineteen to Tulsa,
Or is it this cheap watch that's off, (Nice Line IMO)
The fight inside my head is killin' me,
And all this noise has gotta stop....
('killin me' is simple describing 'it's gotta stop' is prejudicial and not as compelling IMO)

Lift
By the time I board the Rock Island Rail, (RIR is a cliche IMO)
The load on my heart is more than I can bear..
(this immediately pre-chorus line is weaker than the one in V1 - "And I've never felt more disappointed in myself")

Chorus
Still I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
And all the things I could but didn't fix....
What's left of me is a woebegone,
(IMO there wasn't anything wrong w/ the 1st chorus. 'woebegone' is a somewhat archaic word IMO. Not that it can't be used in contemporary song, but you can't just use the word like any contemporary word IMO. It's also maybe self-pitying, which doesn't work. Well, the whole song is an exercise in self-pity, but the original described it like an outside observer)
And my mis'ry that rolls on,
I'm just runnin' from myself..
....On a train named regret..


Verse 2
I knew I'd feel some guilt,
That's somethin' I'd deal with,
She deserves a man with strong conviction, (I don't believe she wants someone a strong conviction. She probably want's someone who listens and loves her unconditionally?)
Not a man who leaves her jilted....
(IMO this better life with a better guy slant has never been compelling and really doesn't do much for the story. IMO this thought kinda weakens the story. This is a guy miserable because he screwed up. Maybe he wants to take the high road and wish her the best w/ someone new, but that's not what's coming thru. And if he really does want her to have a better guy, well that's not human nature and needs an explanation. And explaining it might really derail the train! I think you might consider dropping this thought. Maybe she's already got a new guy and a simple description of that along w/ some more regret might be compelling.)
But now my suitcase can't compare,
With this heavy-hearted train wreck,
(not in love w/ this line. I don't like the editorial 'heavy-hearted' and I don't like the out of story train term 'train wreck')
I could only be a bigger disappointment,
If I could live with myself.... ("And I've never felt more disappointed in myself" is sooo much stronger than these last 2 lines.)

Lift
Now here aboard the Rock Island Line,
There's a lump in my throat as I hear her cry..

Chorus
Still I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
And all the things I could but didn't fix....
What's left of me is a woebegone,
And my mis'ry that rolls on,
I'm just runnin' from myself..
....On a train named regret..

Bridge
I'll be a thousand miles from home,
About the time she rolls over,
Reaches out,
To find a cold callous note....
And while a forlorn whistle moans,
A remorse rain starts pourin,
As the regret train rolls on and on and on....
..Final destination unknown. (IMO there wasn't anything wrong w/ the 1st bridge and this breaks the relentlessness of the 1st)

Chorus
Still I just keep makin' tracks,
Runnin' from what I can't take back,
And all the things I could but didn't fix....
What's left of me is a woebegone,
And my mis'ry that rolls on,
I'm just runnin' from myself..
....On a train named regret..

Hey Geneva,

Want to post on this, but I'm not exactly sure which is the most current version....

Beth

Hi Beth, The latest version is the top version, and is also minimal changes of the first version at the bottom.

Thanks for your interest, it is appreciated!

Geneva

Hey Ian,

You don't know how much I appreciate you stayin' with me on this one so far!

Ya know ya nailed it! I'm usually OK at rewrites but they usually change either the story or the pacing of the verses.

Now stayin' with the story, that's different. I'm just not that good of a writer!

Couple of versions I'm Ok with here! But what I'm not ok with is what I couldn't say with keeping the candace and all..... yet!!!

Cause it will happen. I'm gonna treat this as a challenge to myself, and work it till I can do it, just need to step back a while first and think things out.

You have been an incredible help to me in your thoughts and posts!

Geneva

Hey Geneva. It's getting there. I just can't detect your rhyme scheme in both verses. The same lines should rhyme unless you're a rule breaker and that's cool if you are. It'll just be hard to put a melody to it.

Still looking for that payoff in the chorus.

I'm a fan of "don't bore us get to the chorus" way of writing. And you should rhyme regret with something.

I think you could cut down the verses to 4 lines plus 2 lines of pre chorus
Less you say the better in this song because the chorus should be doing all of the talking imo.
If I can think of anything that is maybe useful I will let you know.