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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,246
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,246 |
TEMPORARY GIRLFRIEND for Cathy Duz
Remind me once again, what am I doing here? Does this have anything at all to do with me? I'd love to understand, but nothing is very clear All dark and smoky in here, hard to see
Too much lay hidden behind your smile Got me questioning what I find Enchantment is good for you once in a while Too much will make you blind
I know you have a life beyond this place Somewhere that I've never been For me, it's a void, just empty space And the noise is wearin' thin
A word or two could stop this decline But whose place is it, yours or mine Same sh*t over and over again More to life than a Temporary Girlfriend
Sometimes we're tested, by trial and fire To see if we can still hold on tight The balance of needs over basic desire Our mutual search for the light
Rough edges cut you, words make you cry Don't forget what you learned Such a shame when a rare love dies And is anyone really concerned
Left somewhere in distant memory Slowly fading, fading away Kinda late to say we just disagree And tomorrow's another day
What can we say or what can we do Will it raise the dead for me or you Lessons learned tie it all in Say goodbye to my Temporary Girlfriend
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
Overall, It's kind of a Downer, Bro Sam...
Shy-of-the-mark as a "Tearjerker"...& there's no "Twist" to make it a Happy-Ending piece, either.
Your Hook IS a Good'n'...But..JMO..would work Better as Comedic.
&..Ya wander into what I'd call "Overly-Poetic-Ville" time-to-time, with lines like "Our mutual search for the light"...which takes it out of the realm of "Conversational", which much of it is.
All JMO, Bro... Good Luck with it/Good Luck with Her!
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,246
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,246 |
Not necessarily meant to be the happiest piece I ever wrote....., but thanx for lookin' at it.
Last edited by Sam Wilson; 02/28/13 08:20 PM.
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316 |
I see you wrote this from the guy's perspective but I'm thinking it could be written from the girl's perspective too.
I kind of wish this was more concrete and describes just what she does to make you feel she's just a temporary girlfriend.
"Kinda late to say we just disagree" I really like this line. It says a lot about the relationship in so few words...
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