JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Madeline May

Wrote this in about an hour at around midnight last night, then spent a while trying to improve it today. I'd love some help on making the story stronger. Kind of had a Southern Gothic-y feel in mind.


Madeline May

Born in the winter
Howling like the wind
Her wildfire eyes
Sing a wanderer's hymn
She's quiet as Sunday
But sure as sin
Goes wherever
The adventure is

She toes the line
Only every other day
The townsfolk
Have been known to say
That little girl
She's got her ways
That's just like
Madeline May

New boy in town
Never known fear
Lives for rock and roll
And that's all she needs to hear
She's too young to drink
So she makes him a habit
His ring don't fit
But she gladly wears it

She toes the line
Only every other day
The townsfolk
Have been known to say
That little girl
She's got her ways
That's just like
Madeline May

Madeline May, born in '48
Ran with her love to the interstate
He told her all about a promised land
So she followed the devil, yeah, she took his hand

The townsfolk said
That she ran away
She toed the line
Only every other day
The boy who took her
No, they never knew his name
But they found the ring
That was Madeline May's

Hi Lex ,

Good to see you posting up a new one;)

I really like the way
You ‘Economize’ your words.
This is such a good skill to have.

I also love the fact
That you want to make the Story
Stronger.

If I were to give a quick summary
Or outline
It would read

A Tantalizing girl
With a pension for excitement
Living in a Small Town
And
Will do whatever she needs to
Break free of the ‘Chains’
Or Restraints
A Typical Small Town
Sometimes offer.
She meets that
Typical Rebel and
Wants to run off into the Sunset
With him in defiance of the
World she feels constrained to.

For me at least this Formula
Or Story board can be a bit predictable.
It was only toward the ‘End’
That I felt this could really
Defy my expectations of this.




Madeline May, born in '48
Ran with her love to the interstate
He told her all about a promised land
So she followed the devil, yeah, she took his hand

(I think this is a great development)

The townsfolk said
That she ran away

(Another intriguing part of the Story)
This had me sit up a bit…
Very well done!





The boy who took her
No, they never knew his name
But they found the ring
That was Madeline May's

(This really Shines here!)

So I started thinking back to how you could
Make this Story Stronger…


Maybe you could take what you already have
And move it in a direction that would defy the expected.
You already have at the End.

Maybe start the beginning with the
Character in a setting like a Saloon
Having a drink when that (Devil)
Walks in..

Or

At [b]Derby of
Horse Races when she places a Bet
Maybe that Devil
Tries to give her Advice on which Horse to pick
And the Relationship jumps of from there…[/b]

Maybe she’s the Preachers Daughter
Who Pretends to be as innocent as a Wallflower
But the Whole Town knows
She’d sleep with anyone she
Found the time to walk by…

Picture the Scene…
There are unlimited possibilities you could
Run with.
These are just my thoughts…
You’re Writing’s Might Fine!


Best of Luck to you!-Dana
[b][/b]

Hiya Lex

I guess for me the weakest part was that the new boy in town was known

New boy in town
Never known fear
Lives for rock and roll

but then you say he wasn't.

Changing that may lead you in a direction that Dana pointed out.

Love the story Lex and your word economy as someone pointed out.I'm from the UK too nice to meet you.Up north though where the M6 is cobbled.
Good work.
Travis

Hi Lex,

Lovely writing and I'm sure that you'll make it sound just lovely!

The last chorus seems to focus on information that the townspeople knew. Since Madeline May disappears at the end, I'm not sure how they knew that she toed the line every other day. I like the mystery a lot, but thought that just a little clarity. Something like, "wonder if she toed the line" or "maybe she didn't toe the line" --something along those lines!

Good luck with it!
Lisa

Hey y'all, thanks for the feedback!

Sweet child of Thursday
She dances like the wind
Her wildfire eyes
Sing a wanderer's hymn
She's quiet as Sunday
But sure as sin
Goes wherever
The adventure is

She toes the line
Only every other day
The townsfolk
Have been known to say
That little girl
She's got her ways
That's just like
Madeline May

On the edge of town
Is a lonely pioneer
He lives for rock and roll
And that's all she needs to hear
She's too young to drink
So she makes him a habit
His ring don't fit
But she gladly wears it

She toes the line
Only every other day
The townsfolk
Have been known to say
That little girl
She's got her ways
That's just like
Madeline May

Madeline May, born in '48
Ran with her love to the interstate
He told her all about a promised land
So she followed the devil, yeah, she took his hand

The townsfolk only know
That she ran away
Did she cross a line
Did she give her soul away
The boy who took her
No, they never knew his name
But they found the ring
That was Madeline May's



What I've got so far, let me know what you think I still need to improve!

Good story, Lex, and a tight write.

My only problem is with the tense. The bridge refers to her as being born in '48. Hence, I feel the other sections should be in the past tense - an easy enough fix. This would also mesh with the townspeople knowing how she behaved, as she'd have been known to them before she left with her lover.

Past tense also suits the folk ballad genre, which I feel this is.

Anyway, just a thought. Keep or sweep.

Donna

Thanks Donna, I thought about what you said and came up with a past tense rewrite. What do you think?

Madeline May

Sweet child of Thursday
She danced like the wind
Her wildfire eyes
Sang a wanderer's hymn
Quiet as Sunday
But sure as sin
She went wherever
Adventure lives

She toed the line
Only every other day
The townsfolk
Had been known to say
That little girl
She's got her ways
That's just like
Madeline May

On the edge of town
Was a lonely pioneer
He lived for rock and roll
And that's all she had to hear
Too young to drink
So she made him a habit
His ring didn't fit
But she gladly wore it

She toed the line
Only every other day
The townsfolk
Had been known to say
That little girl
She's got her ways
That's just like
Madeline May

Madeline May, born in '48
Ran with her love to the interstate
He told her all about a promised land
So she followed the devil, yeah, she took his hand

The townsfolk only knew
That she ran away
Did she cross a line
Or give her soul away?
The boy who took her
No, they never knew his name
But they found the ring
That was Madeline May's

I was waiting on the rewrite Lex,i liked the original but it shows how things sometimes get better when we rewrite.I hardly ever do it even though i know i should.I like this lyric,mighty fine job!Mike

Lex, I read the original lyric before scrolling down. You fixed what I thought needed attention--the howling line, "dances" is a much better expression. Also you change (adventure is) to (adventure lives) which I was going to suggest something there, and what you have works very well. Cool expressionary lyrics that allow one's imagination to conjure up their own vision. Nicely done.

steady-eddie.

https://soundcloud.com/lex_rose/madeline-may

Here's the acoustic worktape I just recorded. Added a little reverb as it seems to make the track louder (is that even scientific or am I just making this up? Ha). Let me know what you think!

Lex, You write remarkable couplets for a 17 year old. You have a good sense of rhyme and meter. You seem to have good instincts. But I'd be careful about trying to please everybody who has a suggestion to change your song. People mean well. But every piece of advice isn't sound. They say a camel is what a committee came up with when told to design a horse.

I like your original lyric a lot more than the final revision.

Is "Sweet child of Thursday/ She danced like the wind" better than "Born in the winter/ Howling like the wind?" I don't think so. Is "She went wherever adventure lived" better than "Goes wherever the adventure is?" Not in my book. Is "On the edge of town/ Is a lonely pioneer" better than "New boy in town/ Never known fear?" Again, I doubt it. But ultimately what I think doesn't matter. You make the final decision because your name is attached to it.

I have to respectfully disagree with DonnaMarilyn's advice on tense. While that is textbook advice for following the rules of English grammar, textbook rules of grammar don't always apply to the craft of lyric writing or even poetry. As long as the tense change at the end of your song doesn't leave the listener or reader confused, I see nothing wrong with it. The first part of the story is told in the present tense. The transition to the past tense in the last verse doesn't confuse me. Check out the tense changes in Bob Dylan's "Hurricane." Again, no confusion results from these changes. And there are plenty of more examples.

Bottom line? Be careful about taking well-meaning advice about your lyrics. Even mine. Trust yourself more as you progress as a writer.

Hey Dan, thank you for saying that... massive compliment
I get what you mean, and agree... I just thought I may as well try and take the advice and see what happens - cause you never know, right? I took a lot of that advice because it made sense (there's some things in my original lyric that are maybe a little inconsistent). I wasn't sure about the tense thing either.

I had to look up Hurricane as I've not heard that before, I see what you mean. I do think the tense change in my original lyric probably made sense looking back.

I think I'll go back to something closer to the original. Just wasn't so sure on the original first two lines... I'll try demo the song again and see if it works!

Thanks for your helpful advice Dan!

Very nice Lex. enjoyed listening to it

Mark
Ex-pat living in Montreal

Lex Rose, A very pretty voice =). I like what you have done here all of it but over all I would have to agree with Dan. I preferred your original version. Everyone on here has great advice and suggestions sometimes they fit for your project and sometimes they don't. Good luck with this one. Keep on posting this is a great place full of awesome people.

I can only echo what Dan has said... listen to advise, but only change what you feel improves the song....

This is my kind of lyric... folk ballads... I was fiddling with a melody that would have worked for this... however you have already have one...

Have you heard any Jim Moray ?

cheers

Noel

Interesting comments, thinking that I'll go with the original lyric after some thought...

PS Noel, no I've never heard of Jim Moray!

Hi Lex, My opinion is that your writing is quite good....In an odd way it reminds me of an old er American Country music song. I agree with Dan Sullivan I liked your original version with a few tweaks perhaps....and agree that too much input can sometimes move you away from your own gut and intent. Keep writing and I say this coming from an OLD Soul who has just recently started writing lyrics and I too worry too much about what I can CHANGE to please EVERYONE. Trying hard to stay true to myself while still being appreciative of the criticisms and input.
Vickie

Hey Vickie, only "quite" good huh? I'm gonna have to work on that I guess!:P Thanks, and older style country song is what I was going for! Kind of like Ode to Billie Joe... but nowhere near as good probably! Thanks

HiDee Mz Lex!!!
Been followin' the rewrites... Good Song..Nifty, Sorta Sinister-Feelin' Ending!!!

I'll supply a few Sugs:
"MOSTLY every other day" {More "Southernese"...}

"That CRAZY girl" {Ditto}

"Madeline May, born in '68" {I'd recommend UP-dating her birth a wee-bit so more of the Audience'll connect w/her.}

"Did she ESCAPE/Or give her soul away" {What's there now is same Question asked-twice.}

I sorta liked Your Original Version more, where it ended on the Ring...yet now it Does end on Your Hook...which is considered Best. Good Song either-way..& Good Luck with it/KOS the Sugs!

Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan

Damn !!!!!!
Ode to Billy Joe was EXACTLY what I was referring to
and QUITE GOOD means VERY GOOD where I come from from!!!!
Now do me the courtesy of reading my Heavenly Torture lyrics as I would appreciate your opinion on my work even if our genres are different ( as well as our geography and most certainly our ages!!!) because good writing is simply Good writing and we all can see it when it's there......so .....tell me honestly what YOU think of my Heavenly Torture K? and I wouldn't ask if I didn't respect...
Vickie

Well, well.
Nice to see another young writer here.

Dark and creepy in all the best ways. I'm partial to both the original and the rewrite, maybe find a nice balance there.

Also, it took me a couple times to understand the chorus. Maybe it's just late and Ican't read, but take another look at it.

Good job!

Hiya Lex

Been following the discussion since my first suggestion to improve what is revealed about "the boy"


I agree with Dan about taking advice, but I think that will come with time. As you develop more, and learn more, you will trust your instinct more, and as we say here "follow your gut".


What is important is to take away all what you think works for you, and leave all you think doesn't. It does not mean that suggestions are good or bad, just that they do not fit with what you are trying to get across in your lyric.


So have a look at all the comments through the filter of your instincts.


As a side note, IMO what made Ode To Billy Joe so awesome was the casualness of the conversation and setting it was all wrapped in.


Several years ago, on this board, someone (can't remember who) wrote a brilliant lyric with the same approach. In amid an everyday kind of setting and conversation came the killer...oh and btw, I am gay, or perhaps it was, oh btw, our son is gay.


This has none of that. Not saying it in context of good or bad, just that I think the comparison to the lyric is not justified.


Best of luck with developing this more.