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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 262
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OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 262 |
Howdy folks,
I've been listening to lots of classic rock lately and have been inspired to write another song. I'm picturing this one something in the realm of Journey and Reo Speedwagon. Looking for suggestions and opinions on this one before I give it to a collaborator to put music to this. Thanks for your time.
"Heaven I Never Had" (C) 2012 Darin Martin
Verse One Who ever thought your love isn't worth it Never loved you in their heart Whomever said you aren't perfect Never held you in their arms
Verse Two If they could see you through my eyes They'd fall in love with you for the rest of their lives You make me feel like more than a man It's something I'll never understand
Chorus I put you in a song ev'ry time I'm singin' I lean in closer to touch your lips when we're kissin' You give me Heaven I never had I smell your perfume in the air I'm breathin' I dream about you at night while I'm sleepin' You are my Heaven I never had
Verse Three I knew from the moment I saw your face Nobody else could take your place Give me a chance to be all you'll need Or ever want your guy to be
Chorus
Instrumental Break
Chorus
- Darin
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316 |
Hi Darin,
This is well constructed and close to being done.
I am going back and forth on whether I like the hook. Somehow I wish you were being affirmative: "You are my heaven now".
In the second verse, rather than talking about those other people, I would sing directly to the intended audience:
Now that I see you through my eyes I'm in love with you for the rest of my life
I like the chorus. Both times you use the hook why not make it consistent to be:
You are the heaven I never had.
Good luck with this.
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,859 Likes: 3
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,859 Likes: 3 |
Darin,
You've got some impressive lines here. A slight re-work could move this song a little more.
Here are my thoughts:
Who ever SAID your love'S NOT worth it Never HAD you in their heart. Who EVER said you WEREN'T perfect, never held you in their arms. (Nice start!)
Verse Two (keep the same metre as your first verse or make it a pre-chorus leading into the chorus as I've shown)
If they could see you through my eyes They'D KNOW LOVE FOR ALL OF THEIR LIVES You make THEM feel more LIKE than a man, something ONLY I NOW understand
Chorus I'LL put you in EVERY SONG I'm singin' I lean in closer AND KNOW WHAT YOU'RE FEELIN' I smell your perfume in the air I'm breathin' I dream about you at night while I'm sleepin' YOU BROUGHT ME OUT OF HELL AND BACK, YOU'RE THE HEAVEN I NEVER HAD.
Verse Three I knew from the moment I saw yoU THERE, YOU'D END UP HERE WITH ME Give me a chance to TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE YOU EVER WANTED to be.
Just a few suggestions. Nice start on this one. Good luck, Michael
Write on, Man, Michael W. Brown, f.k.a. "bluesriff"
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Mahatma Gandhi
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