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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Make Me Wanna Stay B.Kilgore (BMI) 10/29/12
song would have vocals and harmonies Maybe something of Rascal flatts or even like Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson did. Thinking about it it could even be slightly re written to make it a duet. Anyhow here is the VOM version of it.
VS: My heart's like a fugitive always on the run Turning into stone when the morning comes The rooster's crow is like my warning sign I'm off like a rocket in the warm sunshine
VS: I've been scarred enough to sense the burn After a while you start to learn Girl, don't give me those won't you stay set of eyes Can't you tell i'm about to lose the fight
CH: Oh, girl you make me wanna stay Hang around and chance the fate Shake off ever feeling any pain Oh what are you doing to my heart It's like i've never been touched this way You make me wanna stay
VS: There's a chevy sittin' out in the drive Bet it reach sixty in three point five That's enough to have me long gone So it's got me thinkin' what's going wrong
CH: Oh, girl you make me wanna stay Hang around and chance the fate Shake off ever feeling any pain Oh what are you doing to my heart It's like i've never been touched this way You make me wanna stay
SEC: The way your curls dip into your grayish blues and your dimples team up with your sexy moves girl it ain't fair I ain't got a prayer We both know I ain't goin nowhere
CH: Oh, girl you make me wanna stay Hang around and chance the fate Shake off ever feeling any pain Oh what are you doing to my heart It's like i've never been touched this way You make me wanna stay
Last edited by brandon kilgore; 10/30/12 03:12 PM.
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Hi Brandon,
I read this a few times, and it seems to me that you're writing lines just for the sake of making rhymes. You've got so many different things going on in this lyric, it's hard to focus on one concept. In my opinion, you need to focus on one line and write around it.
If I had written a line that included, "Won't you stay eyes" I'd probably try to create a lyric around it. That is one heck of a hook.
Last edited by Diane Ewing; 10/31/12 12:00 AM.
Diane Ewing
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Diane, thank for stopping by on this one. I in no why was writing lines just for the sake of making rhymes so I hate that this one comes out as such. I didn't realize so many different things were going on. All I read is all the things that makes a guy that wouldn't wanna stay in past wanna stay now. His walls and barriers being broken down by this new flame so to speak. Guess that's why it is always good to have another pair of eyes and another mind looking at it. Appreciate the stop on it.
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Diane, thank for stopping by on this one. I in no why was writing lines just for the sake of making rhymes so I hate that this one comes out as such. I didn't realize so many different things were going on. All I read is all the things that makes a guy that wouldn't wanna stay in past wanna stay now. His walls and barriers being broken down by this new flame so to speak. Guess that's why it is always good to have another pair of eyes and another mind looking at it. Appreciate the stop on it.
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"All I read is all the things that makes a guy that wouldn't wanna stay in past wanna stay now"
And that message comes out in your lyric, Brandon! That was what I thought of when I read, "Won't you stay eyes!"
I don't think you need, a fugitive, rocket, rooster, stone or a Chevy that reaches 60, which are all in your lyric. If you use your creation, "won't you stay eyes" you can, look ahead, look behind you, try to see past, have a vision, go through days blindly, etc.......A hook like that would have a lot of material to write around.
Just a thought.
Diane Ewing
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Well put if it's created around "Won't You Stay Eyes". The story I was after was about a guy that wouldn't normally want to stay but does now. Thanks for your advice and input on this one.
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Brandon, I've not read the other comments, so I apologise if any of mine overlap. I think you have the sturdy basis of a good song here. Mainly it needs focusing and smoothing out. How about going for metaphors rather than similes in V1 lines 1 & 3? I think that would give it more punch. I'd also re-think using the rocket image in line 4. You already have three similes/metaphors, and too big a mix is distracting. In fact, I'd settle for just two, and rewrite line 3. V1 starts off strongly, but the momentum weakens in V2. (Arguably one of the hardest parts of a song to write, next to the bridge. ) Suggest you change the tense in V1 to the present perfect. This will be better supported by the chorus. It will aslo match V2, where line 1 is present perfect. Keep the V3 Chevy lines connected to the singer. I hope the comments are useful. Keep or sweep. Donna Make Me Wanna Stay B.Kilgore (BMI) 10/29/12 VS 1 My heart's like been like a fugitive always on the run Turning into stone when the morning comes The rooster's crow is like has been my warning sign I'm off like a rocket in the warm sunshine Suggest rethinking this line to make it down to earth.VS 2 Could be stronger. Maybe keep the content more similar to V1 & 3 (though still moving the story forward). You could then use the eyes reference in the chorus.I've been scarred enough to sense the burn After a while you start to learn Keep reference to himself rather than a generic 'you'.Girl, don't give me those won't you stay set of eyes The last part of this line is awkward - especially 'set of eyes'. Suggest expressing the thought in a clearer, more conversational way, even if it means changing both lines 3 & 4 to get different rhyming words.Can't you tell i'm about to lose the fight Suggest not giving away the end here.CH: Hard "a" sounds at the end of lines sound harsh. Suggest rethinking some lines so you can fit in one or two softer-sounding end words.Oh, girl you make me wanna stay Hang around and chance the fate Second part of this line is awkward, and sounds like a forced rhyme for 'stay'.Shake off ever feeling any pain Suggest dropping mention of pain. That's more like verse material. Keep the chorus upbeat and positive.Oh what are you doing to my heart It's like i've never been touched this way You make me wanna stay VS 3 There's a My chevy is sittin' out in the drive What kind of Chevy? What year? Give the line more colour (e.g. 'My 89 Chevy is out in the drive'.)Bet it can reach sixty in three point five That 'd be enough to have me long gone So it's got me I'm thinkin' now what's going wrong CH: SEC: Suggest rethinking the bridge. Lines 1 & 2 are more like verse material. Give us something stronger that surprises the listener and pulls the story forward. You could include the line "You made me wanna stay".The way your curls dip into your grayish blues ??? What are grayish blues? Her eyes? An odd image. and your dimples team up with your sexy moves girl it ain't fair I ain't got a prayer We both know I ain't goin nowhere CH:
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Brandon, Donna has made great suggestions and I think she has a better idea of what you're looking for.
That said, since you aren't interested in "won't you stay eyes" as a hook, I think I'm going to see if I can have fun with it. I can't seem to stop thinking about it and may be able to write something around it. Keep writing!
Diane
Diane Ewing
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Thanks Donna and Diane. I'll get started re-writing this one soon. Good luck with the hook Diane hope a good song comes of it for you.
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G'Mornin' Bro Brandon!
For some reason, shifting from Fugitive..to Stone there..didn't grab me, so I'll offer this Sug:
"SETTING DISTANCE RECORDS..as the morning comes" (KOS)
V2: "I've been scarred-enough, HAVING FELT the burn" (KOS)
CH: "No LOVER'S ever touched this way/ GIRL you make me want to stay" (KOS)
V3: "BUT NOW I'm thinkin' What's Gone Wrong" (KOS)
(SEC): Try "smiles" insteada "dimples"...(Less "Shirley Temple" Methinks) (KOS)
Good Luck with a Good'n', Amigo! Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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