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#981256 10/24/12 10:26 PM
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Hi guys,
I hear this in the same style as something like Colie Caillat's Realize which you can hear here if you want
http://youtu.be/GlZxZ2n2zpw


It was placed in the lyrical contest for October on the muses muse, but did not do well at all. It was written faster than my normal ones as I was about to go into the hospital and writing has been the last thing on my mind the past month...but I would love input on why, and what peers feel needs work..thanks so much for any comments and your time-- Kim


WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE LOVED

As unpredictable as life can be
We’re connected when we’re with the right one
If fascinated when they say our name
We are re-born under an archaic sun

Pre-chorus
When we first taste that “take our breath away” kiss
No price can be put on something like this


Chorus
Life can be a white knuckle ride,
Or a smooth and easy home base slide
Whatever cards we are dealt
We have enough for show and tell
If we know nothing else
But what it’s like…
What it’s like to be loved

As invincible as we often feel
We’re pretending to be islands of one
Got to swim deep waters ‘til we find love
Our hearts will guide the way if we listen

Bridge
Every one has their own journey
Then time comes to go
But if we've sown seeds of love
it forever grows


Chorus
Life can be a white knuckle ride,
Or a smooth and easy home base slide
Whatever cards we are dealt
We have enough for show and tell
If we know nothing else
But what it’s like…
What it’s like to be loved
© Kimberly Hales Kime, All Rights Reserved


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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I am glad to see you back among us. Got to be a good sign!

I think the verses above are not conversational and a bit unclear and too poetic. The pre and chorus are much different in that they are conversational. I would simplify the verses into language that matches the chorus.

You don't need me to tell you how to do that!


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


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Kim, I commented over on the Muse. wink

Donna


Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.

http://www.reverbnation.com/donnamarilynrichblend




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Hi Kim!

I think Colin nailed it. I love the prechorus and the beginning of the chorus is good although I didn't understand the show and tell line. Really like the hook! But the verses just kinda took too much work to read and understand.

I love the song "realize" that you mentioned in your notes and I looked up the lyrics and I was shocked at how simple they are...it kind of slapped me in the face to remember that sometimes less is more.

Good luck with it!

Jason

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Originally Posted by Colin Ward
I am glad to see you back among us. Got to be a good sign!

I think the verses above are not conversational and a bit unclear and too poetic. The pre and chorus are much different in that they are conversational. I would simplify the verses into language that matches the chorus.

You don't need me to tell you how to do that!


Thanks Colin! It is good to be back, that is for sure. smile I can see your point about this...sometimes I think for those contests on the muse, I try to write more "intelligently" instead of talking like I normally would because it seems the more "quirky" lyrics seem to win at times, but I need to try to lean more toward normal conversation and you are right..thanks a lot for reminding me

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Hey Kim,
Good comments from the others. I see a title that doesn't answer the question but in just a few lyric lines:

What is it like?


We’re connected when we’re with the right one
If fascinated when they say our name
We are re-born under an archaic sun
(too poetic)

Pre-chorus
When we first taste that “take our breath away” kiss

No price can be put on something like this (weak follow-up line, IMO)

Got to swim deep waters ‘til we find love
Our hearts will guide the way if we listen


Bridge

it forever grows



“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard

Co-writing = Compromise!


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What the others said smile yeah, I know, the lazy approach...but that "archaic" stopped me right in my tracks.


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

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Thanks Donna!!!


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
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littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Originally Posted by jblackwrites
Hi Kim!

I think Colin nailed it. I love the prechorus and the beginning of the chorus is good although I didn't understand the show and tell line. Really like the hook! But the verses just kinda took too much work to read and understand. I meant as kids have show and tell to show friends what special things they did, saw etc...in life we will have something to brag on, show and tell, if we had LOVE in our lives.:-)

I love the song "realize" that you mentioned in your notes and I looked up the lyrics and I was shocked at how simple they are...it kind of slapped me in the face to remember that sometimes less is more.

Good luck with it!

Jason

Thanks Jason, I do plan to re-write this and I appreciate your suggestions and plan to take them:)
Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
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littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Originally Posted by R. Shayne Vaughan
Hey Kim,
Good comments from the others. I see a title that doesn't answer the question but in just a few lyric lines:

What is it like?


We’re connected when we’re with the right one
If fascinated when they say our name
We are re-born under an archaic sun
(too poetic)

Pre-chorus
When we first taste that “take our breath away” kiss

No price can be put on something like this (weak follow-up line, IMO)

Got to swim deep waters ‘til we find love
Our hearts will guide the way if we listen


Bridge

it forever grows



Thanks...This is something I need to pay attention to..I appreciate you pointing that out

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
Email for Song Business Only
littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Originally Posted by John Voorpostel
What the others said smile yeah, I know, the lazy approach...but that "archaic" stopped me right in my tracks.

That was my weird way of trying to use another word other than an ancient or old sun--but it didn't fly;-)

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
Email for Song Business Only
littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
Joined: Feb 2006
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J
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Kim,
how does the singee make the singer feel? What does he/she do to make the singer feel this way? You're a marvelous poet. This probably needs to be very very personal to impact the listener. Some special details between them.

John



Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.

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