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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 10
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 10 |
Hi, this song was written based on my own experiences, let me know what you think! Thanks! You walked away, yesterday, All alone, I am today I let you in, I shared your soul You broke my heart, you took your toll PRE-CHORUS You’re on my mind, all the time I wish i could give you a sign... CHORUS That I still love you I still love you I should have told you every day, I wish the pain would go away, Cause I still love you... I tried to call you on your phone, I’m sick of being all alone, I was complete, You were my life, I wanted you to be my wife PRE-CHORUS CHORUS It’s in the past, now you’ve moved on There one day, next you’ve gone You said some things, it meant nothing, I’d just bought you a diamond ring, taught a mockingbird to sing, i took you under my wing felt like a piece that didn’t fit, you once told me that I had lit up the candle of your heart now i can’t escape the dark you’re putting me through hell all that’s left’s an empty shell PRECHORUS CHORUS x2 I still love you, I still love you, Do you love me?, Do you love me?, You don’t love me, You don’t love me, You never loved me, You never loved me, But I still love you, I still love you, I still love you, I still love you,
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,941 Likes: 3
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,941 Likes: 3 |
Hey Jeff and, again, welcome to the JPF. Sounds like a sad episode that you worked out by putting it into song. I though the first half flowed along nicely, but the 2nd have didn't seemed to match the rhythm I read the words to -- even though the syllable count is close or the same.
"You walked away, yesterday" vs. "It’s in the past, now you’ve moved on" -- these just have a completely different rhythmic feel to them.
The basic issue here is that there really is no "story" here. When you are just writing lyrics you have to be a supreme story teller. Set the scene, paint picture -- I want to visualize the act of her leaving somehow.
How long have you've been writing? I think you need to get 30, 40, 50 (maybe more) lyrics under your belt before you start getting it right. Stick around, comment on others (a great way to learn stuff that you can use for your own songs) and keep writing!
Kevin
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067 |
Hey Jeff, I echo what Kevin says; also the story should move forward with each line. Placing a mental [color:#FF0000]"and then what happen(s) (ed)?" before each line will help the story progress. Try to think what images you would put in a music video of this song and transfer those same images to paper.[/color]
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 10
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 10 |
Fantastic help guys, thanks very much! Appreciate it!
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,696 Likes: 43
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,696 Likes: 43 |
You walked away, yesterday, All alone, I am today (They call this 'yodaspeak', twisting natural syntax (the way you'd really talk) to land on the desired rhyme) I let you in, I shared your soul You broke my heart, you took your toll
PRE-CHORUS (Getting quickly to the Chorus is a strength) You’re on my mind, all the time I wish i could give you a sign...
CHORUS That I still love you I still love you I should have told you every day, I wish the pain would go away, ('pain' is very common in lyrics, so I recommend against using it) Cause I still love you... (I recommend dropping 'cause'. It's a 'connector' word writers use to connect thoughts, but it may read and sing better without it. Readers/listeners 'get' the connection without the word.)
I tried to call you on your phone, I’m sick of being all alone, (The 'alone' idea used again. Some recommend that, once you use an idea, don't waste the space using it again. Use the space to say something new. If you replace it in V1 line 2 you could still use it here.) I was complete, You were my life, I wanted you to be my wife
PRE-CHORUS CHORUS
It’s in the past, now you’ve moved on There one day, next you’ve gone You said some things, it meant nothing, I’d just bought you a diamond ring, taught a mockingbird to sing, i took you under my wing (This Verse just seems to be rhyming, not advancing the story much, if at all)
felt like a piece that didn’t fit, you once told me that I had lit up the candle of your heart now i can’t escape the dark you’re putting me through hell all that’s left’s an empty shell
PRECHORUS CHORUS x2 I still love you, I still love you, Do you love me?, Do you love me?, You don’t love me, You don’t love me, You never loved me, You never loved me, But I still love you, I still love you, I still love you, I still love you,
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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