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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 38 |
[deleted]
Last edited by HoboSage; 04/09/12 01:21 PM.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,581
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,581 |
Hey David,
You really put emotion into the song with your vocal performance which is appealing. If you hadn't mentioned that it was being sung for a 13 year old foster child and all that I would have said so what? Everyone's been hurt and felt alone. If your sole intention is/was to sing it to the girl then it's fine as is but if you are going to perform this in public or on record I would consider giving some hint of the background in the lyric and flesh it out more. I don't think you have to spell it out so much as give some idea of why the listener should care. Even just knowing she's in foster care alone makes me feel for her. Without that I wouldn't feel much empathy inspite of how much emotion you put into the performance.
I know this is a special song for you so I don't want to say anything to burst your bubble but it's good enough to warrent that special attention to detail in this case. You say it ended in a minor chord in real life. How so? Knowing those two facts makes me want to care. I won't try to rewrite your song for you here in the form of specific suggestions. You're an above average songwriter from what I've heard of your material so sell it to the listener. Does that make sense? This is good stuff with lots of potential beyond what it made/would make to the little girl. That's why I care enough to not just say "Hey David, nice song."
Keep going on this one, bro
Stevie
I'm the only person here who is not unique.
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi David, I can't help but agree with Stevie. Letting everyone know she's a foster child will certainly make it more emotional. I also wonder what happen to her, not just in the song, I would really like to know what happen. I also agree with Stevie that it sounds very good, I love the way you build a song! Looking at your 1st verse I don't see anything in it that is needed to tell the story. In fact I think your chorus says what needs to be said about feelings. I think you could just start with V1 and write the truth and have a great song. Again the song sounds very good as is but the story is missing. I know not all songs are story songs but this song has a story and I would love to hear it. Dottie
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 27
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 27 |
David, I love your voice, the mood and chords progressions work for me - great song. I think it stands alone without the reference to your daughter, to my ear it could refer to any dear one. Thanks for good tunes!
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035 Likes: 2
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035 Likes: 2 |
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 38 |
I deleted this song here on 04/09/2012 because on 04/10/2012 I PMed the owner to delete my account here. I see now that wasn't done. LOL Anyway, I just saw that this (and me) were still here. Honestly I don't even remember doing this song as an acoustic 1+1 demo. But, I did redo it. This is how it sounds now for anyone who was/is interested. https://www.hobosage.com/because-you-arePeace, David
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Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 258 Likes: 8
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 258 Likes: 8 |
can you post the lyric? I like it so far but I'm in serious need of hearing aids. Too many chop saws and loud concerts.
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,143 Likes: 26
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,143 Likes: 26 |
It sounds great. A very dense production with a lot going on to interest the ear. Like Chester, I couldn't make out all of the lyric, but I love the stirring chorus.
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,134 Likes: 10
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,134 Likes: 10 |
I'm not sure why you would want to leave JPF, this is a great place for everything music, a lot of experience here to glean from.
This is a very interestingly lush track. You really should Stick around.
Last edited by maccharles; 03/03/23 09:20 AM.
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Creatively scaped David ....I'm on board...
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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