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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
Top 100 Poster
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2010
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vs You don't have to stare at the sun to go blind You don't need to be crazy,to go out of your mind You don't have to have a heart to break one You don't need to have a choice to make one vs You don't have to be worried,to show your concern You don't need to be stupid,to be willing to learn You don't have to be in love to lose it You don't need to own a yacht,to cruise it
Chorus: All you need is an imagination To expand your universe All you need is an imagination To help you get what you deserve
vs You don't have to fall in a river to drown You don't need someone to die,to feel down You don't have to be asleep to wake up You don't need to fall apart to break up vs You don't have to prove anything to me You don't need to be shackled,to know you're not free You don't have to laugh in the face of danger Or give your heart to a complete stranger
Chorus: All you need is an imagination To expand your universe All you need is an imagination To help you get what you deserve
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
Hi Joe,
Neat! I think my favorites are:
"you don't have to have a heart to break one" "you don't have to be asleep to wake up"
I'm wondering whether the chorus should pack more of a message. I'm not sure what but don't get mad at me because:
you don't have to have any good ideas to post a song critique
Laughing...
Lisa
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 |
UK JOE--
THIS IS A GOOD ONE--MAY EVEN BE BETTER IN FIRST PERSON
I CAN IMAGINE MY WHOLE UNIVERSE IN MY MIND IT'S WHAT I DESERVE
WRITE ON--
Mackie
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,256
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,256 |
Morning, Joe!
Hey, there are some really cool, thought-provoking lines scattered all throughout this piece. I agree with Lisa, though, in that I think the chorus is sort of a let down after reading the verses.
I don't have any real ideas for you at the moment, but I don't feel that the chorus really supports whatever message you're trying to get across. It's really tantalizing, but just needs a little something more to help the lyric pack the wallop it's crying for.
I think you're on to something here. Good luck with it!
Greg
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
All you need is an imagination A CLOSED MIND CAN BE A CURSE All you need is an imagination IF YOU WANT IT, IT CAN BE YOURS Just a thought Joe. Good lyric
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 98
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 98 |
Hey Joe (sorry - Hendrix fan here!)
Like it!! Verses are really well written & structured. I also liked Mackie's suggestion re: first person angle. Alt. lyrics below just for reference.
Chorus: All I need is MY imagination To OPEN UP MY universe All I need is MY imagination To help MYSELF WHEN THINGS CAN’T GET WORSE
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Joe,
Very cool idea for a song. I also agree with Greg--the chorus needs a little "somethin" to bring it home. Can't put my finger on it.. Gotta think a bit more. Overall pretty cool one. Take care, Roger
Roger Sosnowski The happiest people in life are those involved in music
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
morning joe.
great message throughout and a fun read.
great job!
douglas
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067 |
Hey Joe, Quite thought provoking! Good luck with it. --Shayne
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411 |
Hey Lisa Thanks for the reply,I think my fav line is the "heart to break one",I am extremely offended by your veiled insult of my chorus(lol). I think if you heard it,you'd agree it works pretty well.
Cheers Joe
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411 |
Hey Mackie Glad you liked it,I've tried singing it in the first person before and it just doesn't work.
Take it easy U.K.Joe
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411 |
Hey Greg,Travis,CathyW,RogerS,Douglas,and Shayne Thanks for your kind comments. It seems I'm in a minority re: the chorus,so I'll rethink that, of the suggestions so far I think I like cathy's best. thanks again for your time.
Peace Joe
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