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Here's a song I'd like to get some feedback on-- it's about the nation of Israel and the Arab-Israeli conflict. Let me know if any of the phrasings in the song sound confusing or awkward.

SoundCloud http://soundcloud.com/diane-hurst/israel

Here are the lyrics:

ISRAEL

Verse 1
ISRAEL . . . THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY

THE LAND OF BOMBS AND HATRED

A LAND BOTH BLACK AND SUNNY

ISRAEL . . . THE WARS YOU WON LOOKED HOPELESS

YOU LIVE AMONG THE RECKLESS

WHO WANT TO TAKE YOU DOWN . . .


Chorus
IS – RA – EL, SONS OF ISAAC, SONS OF ABRAHAM . . .

YOU FIGHT AGAINST YOUR BROTHERS, SONS OF ISHMAEL


Verse 2
ISRAEL . . . A STREAM FLOWS IN THE DESERT

AND FIELDS RICH WITH HARVEST

REWARDS FOR ALL YOUR EFFORTS

ISRAEL . . . THIS LAND WAS ONCE A GIFT

AND NOW YOU’VE GIVEN IT

YOUR HEARTS, YOUR SOULS, YOUR LIVES . . .


To chorus

Bridge
ISRAEL . . . ISRAEL . . . ISRAEL . . .


Ending
ISRAEL . . . HE WHO WRESTLES WITH GOD; DO YOU WRESTLE STILL?

ISRAEL . . . BRINGING BLESSING TO THE WORLD,
PROPHECIES FULFILLED . . . ISRAEL


DIANE HURST © 2011

Diane
I love ballads and this is a good one. You have a beautiful voice but you are holding back a bit like your a nervous or unsure of yourself. Please trust that you have the talent and you do so project out the highs ok ... great write, good performance ... keep em coming
God Bless
Dan

Hi Diane,
Nice to meet you. I enjoyed your song. Like Dan said, you have a beautiful voice, you do sound a bit nervous but so do I when I sing so I'm leaving that alone. I like it.

Thanks, Dan and Caroline-- well, I guess it is a matter of getting confidence, along with more practice. Since I've been singing nearly every day my voice is stronger than in the past, and am sure it can improve in time. I probably sound nervous because I'm afraid of making a mistake in the chords or wording or in hitting the right note.

One of the main problems I'm starting to encounter as a songwriter is being able to practice all the songs I'm working on (and not forget the older ones that I want to be able to perform). I have over 20 songs that I want to keep in repertoire as of now, and I know that is not many compared to a lot of songwriters. This is a different topic, though-- will have to ask about this in a different forum.

Diane,
I like your melody. Sounds like it is from a movie. You capture the contrasts of that land well.
Jim Colyer

Diane, The music had a middle eastern sound to my ear, appropriate to the apocalyptic subject matter. There are ancient curses and mysteries on the loose in those regions. I enjoyed listening. You could probably do an entire album of songs about the subject.

Thanks, Jim-- glad you like it. Someone has suggested that I could use the melody and make an instrumental-only version, too.

Diane

Thanks for listening, Dan. Glad you enjoyed the song. Yes, I was trying to make it sound somewhat Jewish, with the minor chords.

Diane

Does anyone have a problem with the phrasing in the ending? I'm wondering about the line, "Israel, he who wrestles with God . . ."

When you listen to this, do you get that this is what "Israel" literally means? Am debating with myself whether to change it to "Israel, once you wrestled with God . . ."

It sounds OK to me like it is, but this phrase was brought up by an evaluator elsewhere as something that needed correction, because he thought it was not proper grammar. And it's likely that many people don't know the meaning of the name.

I think anyone singing about the situation in Israel today, is justified in being nervous - not that I heard that you were.

I think the song has potential, Diane. Just needs tightened up and maybe put some flutes or something in there.

I am going to private message you the lyrics to a song of a somewhat similar nature (but probably controverial).

Doug

Thanks Doug,

Flutes is an interesting idea-- yes, I'm sure some other instruments added in would be very helpful; I know someone who plays the flute, so this might be possible to add in.

Diane

You don't sound the nervous to me. You have a pretty voice.
The song's vocal melody is soft and subtle and hard to control. The vocal melody combined with your vocal tone conveys youthful innocence and wonderment.
To get it smooth is going to take a lot of practice. With a voice as intrinsically lovely as yours...you'll enjoy the practice.

Thank you Martin for your comments and encouragement!

Diane,

I this is very well written. I would not change the line referring to "him" wrestling with God. To me, that makes it better b/c it adds a double-meaning to the line. I also love the melody. It mirrors the lyric in a nice way. Keep singing it. You will iron out your performance with practice. You have a nice voice too.

Diane,

I this is very well written. I would not change the line referring to "him" wrestling with God. To me, that makes it better b/c it adds a double-meaning to the line. I also love the melody. It mirrors the lyric in a nice way. Keep singing it. You will iron out your performance with practice. You have a nice voice too.

Hi Diane,

Your song reveals several things...you have a very pretty voice (similar in someways to our Wendy), you know your history, and your words and melody seemed a perfect match for it's subject. It is interesting how this tiny country in the middle of the world is always in the news, but not surprising. Her value is great!

Best,
Lynn

Thank you for your comments, Lynn. I took a look at your Soundclick page, and enjoyed listening to several songs. "Gethsemane" is a beautiful song-- it is a good fit for this season of the year (just before Easter).

Diane