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Here is a revision of a song that was put up here for feedback several months ago. I had an idea of how to rearrange the format, so this one is shorter (fewer choruses). How do you like this new version?

Both versions are up on SoundCloud for now; if you can listen to both, let me know which you think is better.

Here is the revision: SoundCloud http://soundcloud.com/diane-hurst/r-we-there-yet-shorter

Here is the earlier version: SoundCloud http://soundcloud.com/diane-hurst/are-we-there-yet

Thanks for your help; will appreciate your input.

Below are the lyrics for the new version:

ARE WE THERE YET?

Verse 1
I'VE BEEN SITTING IN THIS SEAT FOR AN ETERNITY

CORNFIELDS AND FLATLANDS ARE ALL I CAN SEE

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH THIS SEAT DIDN'T SEEM KIND OF STICKY

IT'S GETTING PRETTY HOT AND MY STOMACH'S FEELING ICKY

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?


Verse 2
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS WEBSITE FOR WAY TOO LONG

DOING IT RIGHT AND DOING IT WRONG

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH I KNEW SOME CSS

DON'T KNOW HTML; I'M JUST DOING MY BEST

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?


Chorus
SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER

I WONDER IF WE WILL EVER, EVER-

ARE WE THERE YET?


Verse 3
I'VE BEEN HOPING SOMEONE WOULD SAY THEY LIKE MY SONG

MIGHT GIVE ANOTHER LISTEN AND HELP ME PASS IT ON

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH I KNEW WHO TO SEND THIS TO

I'M KNOCKING ON DOORS BUT I'M NOT GETTING THROUGH

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?


Bridge
SOME THINGS TAKE A LONG TIME TO HAPPEN

KEEP WORKING, STOP SIGHING, KEEP BUILDING, KEEP TRYING


Verse 4
WE'VE BEEN GETTING MORE TAXES AND DEBTS EVERY YEAR

MORE INTEREST TO PAY, AND A LOT MORE FEAR

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH OUR GOVERNMENT COULD LIVE WITHIN ITS MEANS

HOW ABOUT OUR SENATORS EAT SOME MORE BEANS?

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

Verse 5
WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING IN THIS WORLD A REALLY LONG TIME

FROM CAIN AND ABEL TO OSAMA BIN LADEN

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH THAT WE COULD WORK THINGS OUT

JUST GIVE A SOFT ANSWER INSTEAD OF A SHOUT

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

To Chorus

Verse 6
WE'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF THIS OLD EARTH OF OURS

SWEEPING OUT THE COBWEBS, LOOKING AT THE STARS

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH OUR AIR AND WATER WEREN'T SO DIRTY

WE SCRUB AND SCRUB

BUT STILL THEY’RE LOOKING MURKY

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

Ending
SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER

I WONDER IF WE WILL

EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER,
EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER,
EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER,
EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER-

(spoken) ARE WE ALMOST THERE?

ARE WE THERE YET?

DIANE HURST © 2011


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Diane Hurst

http://www.reverbnation.com/dianehurst
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Hi Diane:

I really liked this the first time you posted it - I still do.

I expect with a song like this you will get a lot of divergent opinions. Here is mine - which you should ignore if it doesn't resonate with you: I'd drop the web site verse and keep everything else. I might consider moving the songwriting verse to the end - with the song starting off personal, moving to a bigger picture, then back again. Not sure about that - I'd have to think on it some more.

Do what feels right to you though - this is a charming song. smile

Scott

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Thanks, Scott, for your ideas.

Glad you like the song-- a couple people have suggested some other rearrangements that I tried out, but we hadn't thought about the ones you suggested.

Yes, the web site verse isn't as universal of a theme. But it is probably becoming so more and more . . . anyway, this is something that is part of my own story, so it works for me singing it.

Am feeling good about this new version-- just not quite sure, as I'm used to the longer one.


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Diane Hurst

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I like the sound of the song overall....I wasn't expecting the grown up issues though. The first verse reminded me of picking my kids up from school in a little while (not that I'd forgotten, just the "when are we going to be home" questions)

Anyway, my sugg would be to keep it kid or keep it adult of find a smoother transition than car ride to the world wide web. Just feels off to me. But, I'm not anyone who "should" be listened to, so its a kos sugg. Just my take as a reader and listener.


Caroline


http://www.myspace.com/carolineholder
http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)
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Thanks, Caroline. I wonder if this new arrangement makes it sound more "off" than it did when I had the first three verses follow the same pattern (verse, chorus, verse, chorus, verse- bridge). Hmmm . . .


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Diane Hurst

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Diane,
Personally speaking.. You have to shorten those lines. That is alot of words to cram onto a melody. Example:

I'VE BEEN SITTING IN THIS SEAT FOR AN ETERNITY
(Seems like an eternity)
CORNFIELDS AND FLATLANDS ARE ALL I CAN SEE
(Cornfields, Flatlands, all I see)
ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

I WISH THIS SEAT DIDN'T SEEM KIND OF STICKY
(In this seat that's getting sticky)
IT'S GETTING PRETTY HOT AND MY STOMACH'S FEELING ICKY
(It's so hot and I feel icky)
ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?

Well, You get the idea.. Make it easier to sing for yourself and whomever may want to sing it in the future.
The line about the website,,, Why?
(Been working on music way to long, Doing it right and singing my song) etc etc.
No,, don't ever give up. I took your title as When should I quit and be satisfied with whatever your theme is. "WE" doesn't apply in my opinion. Am I There Yet?
This is just my opinion and you can tear it up if you wish.. You have a cute melody that's very catchy..
Thanks for sharing..
BOB




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Thanks for your input, Bob. Yes, it is a lot of words to say . . . but I do like the feel of it with lots of words together. Maybe kind of like "folk-rap"!?

The website line is from my personal experience. It took me a year to build one (and it seemed like forever), but it was a good project, and probably will never be finished (because of all the new content to keep adding on)-- it is an educational materials website: http://www.gentleshepherd.biz


singin' and smilin'
Diane Hurst

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Diane,

I liked this song the first time I heard it (enough for me to remember).

I think taking out a few words in some lines like "and" and "the" would help you sing the lines better.

I think the subject matter should be one thing or another, this reads like two different songs.

I understand the idea of the ending not ending, but it doesn't have to go on too long to get the point across.

These are just my opinons, I like this song, it is a very nice melody and you sound great singing and playing it, but I feel a few more adjustments would make it even better.

Tammy


http://tammyjann.com/
https://soundcloud.com/tamsnumber4
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1038504

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Tammy,

Thanks for listening again, and for your suggestions.

So I'm getting the idea from some of the comments here that maybe the original version (longer, but with three different scenarios on each side of a bridge) was better because it didn't sound quite so strange to have a child's car ride experience directly followed by working on an internet site. Instead it went, car ride (chorus), website (chorus), songwriting-- BRIDGE-- taxes and debts (chorus), wars (chorus), environment(chorus).

The "updated original version" that is on Soundcloud (a newer recording than the one posted earlier on jpf) also has a couple less words, and I think is sung a little slower.

If anyone is able to take a listen to this http://soundcloud.com/diane-hurst/are-we-there-yet, please let me know if you think it corrects some of the problems brought up.


singin' and smilin'
Diane Hurst

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Catchy tune Diane. I think everyone can relate especially those with kids or grandkids and the play on the Are We There yet line bringing it into contemperary life. Good job.

Stevie


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Diane,

Just to clarify my comment to you now that I have read your response.

You have two different songs going on, in my opinion. You have a song about that childish frustration or car rides and an adults frustration with the future. You aren't connecting both ideas and to address both in the same song, it becomes too long.

My personal opinion and inclination is that the hook works best for the children's idea and it matches the melody best. If it were me, I would keep to three verses about that subject to make the song more cohesive.

The adult lines are great but that frustration would seem to apply to a less bouncy melody.

I like the song, melody and vocal, this is just my opinion, and I just wanted to clarify what I was trying to say. I promise I wouldn't check back in here if I didn't like the song and I'm not trying to push my ideas onto you, only hoping you can understand my comments for consideration.

Also, thanks for fanning me on SoundClick, that was very nice.

Tammy


http://tammyjann.com/
https://soundcloud.com/tamsnumber4
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1038504

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it...
Professor Albus Dumbledore




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Tammy,

OK, thanks for your further explanation; that does help me understand the idea. It is similar to feedback I got when I sang this at my local songwriters' group. They also suggested rewriting as a children's song, sticking to kids topics. Partly that was because one fellow was appalled that I used the name Osama Bin Laden in the song.

I can see how a focus on kids topics could make it a stronger song for the childrens' market, but am not sure I want to part with the more universal topics as used here. Another songwriter actually helped me revise the melody and tone so that it is more contemplative, but I just didn't enjoy singing that version as much as this one.

For me, the cohesive topic of the song is that some things take a long time, and it can be hard to wait. I'm an NSAI member, and when I sent this to an evaluator there, she thought it was all disjointed and should be totally rewritten; but I thought maybe that was because she doesn't usually evaluate folk music, and was just looking in terms of a radio song.

Anyway, am glad to get feedback from many different people, as it helps me learn, and am so glad to be able to participate in a forum like this-- there is a lot of musical talent and wisdom here.



singin' and smilin'
Diane Hurst

http://www.reverbnation.com/dianehurst
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I loved this track the first time a listened to it. My only nit is pops on the mic and the few parts where your guitar peeks and you get a little bit of distortion. Easaly fixed with turning down the gain on the mic. This however really does not distract from the song.

I think I've been following you for a while now and this tune was the reason. Very cool.

LateOZ



Work for hire Producer. I will also produce and master any old/new work tapes up to demo standards. :-)
Just PM or email:

Email -- mork1976@gmail.com

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Thanks, Andy--

Yes, I'm sure that my inexperience with recording technique is evident! But am slowly learning more . . . Just started reading The Book of Audacity by Carla Schroeder. This will be more than enough for now smile

Glad you liked the first version.


singin' and smilin'
Diane Hurst

http://www.reverbnation.com/dianehurst

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