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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Title: Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans (C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011 Fran Williams Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans V1) Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans V2) Building her castles in the sand & playing See her little ponytail flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans Our daughter looks just like you back then Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytail & your cut off jeans V3) As we walked down the sunny beach today Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do We'll never let these memories slip away Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans Repeat chorus)2X's Tag) We jumped on my new red iron pony Quick ride down the beach you & me PS, All constructive help and suggestions will be greatly appreciated
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Hi Fran, first of all welcome aboard
I like the overall idea, however there are a few things I'd add and rearrange. See below.
V1) Those mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember them like they were yesterday
(Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytails & your cut off jeans
V2) As we walked along the sunny beach today Me in a guitar shirt & mullet hair do You still looking gorgeous in your cut off jeans I'll never let these memories slip away
(chorus)
V3) Sitting here watching her playing on the beach Her little ponytails flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & those cut off jeans Our daughter looks the image of you back then
Repeat chorus)2X's
I think this way it sounds a bit more balanced as a story plus sorts out the syllable count in the verses. Feel free to keep them or bin them. Best Roger
I'm a lyricist with original lyrics available for all recording purposes, open to collaboration so if interested please see my website. http://www.penkslyrics.com
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Great lyric... ROgers advice seems spot on..
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Hey Fran, Comments/suggestions below, keep or sweep V1) Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeans rings and jeans are near rhymes but would work great if you rhymed lines two and four...so what about this:All our younger days seem to just slip away Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood ringsThe concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeansV2) Building her castles in the said & playing See her little ponytail s flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans Our daughter looks just like you back then Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you<<--It's been in too many songs!Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytail s & your cut off jeans V3) As we walked down the sunny beach today Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do We'll never let these memories slip away Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans Rearrange to fit the ABCB rhyme scheme:Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do As we walked down the sunny beach todayStill look gorgeous in your cut off jeans We'll never let these memories slip awayRepeat chorus)2X's Tag) We jumped on my new red iron pony Quick ride down the beach you & me( not needed since you already said "we")
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Hi Fran, first of all welcome aboard
I like the overall idea, however there are a few things I'd add and rearrange. See below.
V1) Those mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember them like they were yesterday
(Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytails & your cut off jeans
V2) As we walked along the sunny beach today Me in a guitar shirt & mullet hair do You still looking gorgeous in your cut off jeans I'll never let these memories slip away
(chorus)
V3) Sitting here watching her playing on the beach Her little ponytails flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & those cut off jeans Our daughter looks the image of you back then
Repeat chorus)2X's
I think this way it sounds a bit more balanced as a story plus sorts out the syllable count in the verses. Feel free to keep them or bin them. Best Roger Hi Penkslyrics, thank you for the awesome suggestions. I knew something was out of sync, and this is what it was. Your advice really helps to bring the story-line into the future scenes..Wow!! I would like to develop this with island type beach music. 'Jimmy Buffet' style. Thanks again, Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Hi Songpusher, Thanks for the kudos's. It is appreciated!
Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Hey Fran, Comments/suggestions below, keep or sweep V1) Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeans rings and jeans are near rhymes but would work great if you rhymed lines two and four...so what about this:All our younger days seem to just slip away Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood ringsThe concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeansV2) Building her castles in the said & playing See her little ponytail s flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans Our daughter looks just like you back then Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you<<--It's been in too many songs!Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytail s & your cut off jeans V3) As we walked down the sunny beach today Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do We'll never let these memories slip away Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans Rearrange to fit the ABCB rhyme scheme:Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do As we walked down the sunny beach todayStill look gorgeous in your cut off jeans We'll never let these memories slip awayRepeat chorus)2X's Tag) We jumped on my new red iron pony Quick ride down the beach you & me( not needed since you already said "we") Hi Shayne, thank you for the valuable suggestions. I will take all of them into consideration for a re-write. Do you think that island type music, 'Jimmy Buffet style' could work for this lyic? Thanks again, Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Yes, island music would be cool.
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Glad that I could help, good to hear you liked my suggestions. Post the rewrite up when it's done.
Best Roger
I'm a lyricist with original lyrics available for all recording purposes, open to collaboration so if interested please see my website. http://www.penkslyrics.com
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Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans (C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011 Fran Williams
Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans Re-write, 01/11/2012
V1) Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans
Lift) Fell in love the first time I ever saw you Wearing your cute ponytail & cut off jeans
Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytail & your cut off jeans
V2) Building her castle in the sand & playing See her little ponytail flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans Our daughter looks just like you back then
V3) As we walked down the sunny beach today Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do We'll never let these memories slip away Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans
Repeat chorus)2X's
Tag) We jumped on my new red iron pony Quick ride down the beach you & me
PS, All constructive help and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Best, Fran Williams:)
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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I like the overall idea and you have gotten some good suggestions already. If you want to change the lyric line
"Remember the first time I ever saw you" to make it more original I thought up one idea...keep or sweep.
What about saying something like "Outside at recess, just looking around"?
It's coming along nicely. Good luck with it!
Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
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I like the overall idea and you have gotten some good suggestions already. If you want to change the lyric line
"Remember the first time I ever saw you" to make it more original I thought up one idea...keep or sweep.
What about saying something like "Outside at recess, just looking around"?
It's coming along nicely. Good luck with it! Hi Jen, thank you so much for your suggestions. I will try and do a re-write and make some changes with the new special words about recess & etc. Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Like your idea here. Roger and the rest of the gang's advice is right on. I can't think of any to add myself. Keep up the good writing and keep the great ideas flowing.
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Like your idea here. Roger and the rest of the gang's advice is right on. I can't think of any to add myself. Keep up the good writing and keep the great ideas flowing. Hi Brandon, thank you for the nice comments. A friend played music to this lyric and it sounded very good. It was fun & happy and had the island flavor & style. Thanks again. Best regards, Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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I like the nostalgic flavor of this one. We tend to romanticize the past.
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Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans (C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011 Fran Williams
Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans Re-write, 01/11/2012
V1) Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans
Lift) Fell in love the first time I ever saw you Wearing your cute ponytail & cut off jeans
Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytail & your cut off jeans
V2) Building her castle in the sand & playing See her little ponytail flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans Our daughter looks just like you back then
V3) As we walked down the sunny beach today Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do We'll never let these memories slip away Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans
Repeat chorus)2X's
Tag) We jumped on my new red iron pony Quick ride down the beach you & me
PS, All constructive help and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Best, Fran Williams Update: I would love to find a singer/musician for this lyric.. Any word changes to develop the music is approved. It would be a 50/50 co-write.. Lady in waiting Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans (C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011 Fran Williams Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans Re-write, 01/11/2012 V1) Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings All our younger days seem to just slip away The concerts in the park, loving in the dark I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans Lift) Fell in love the first time I ever saw you Wearing your cute ponytail & cut off jeans Chorus) Remember the first time I ever saw you Our grade school playground was filled But you were the girl that caught my eye Jumping rope, singing & playful things You were such a cute girl standing there With your ponytail & your cut off jeans V2) Building her castle in the sand & playing See her little ponytail flipping in the wind Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans Our daughter looks just like you back then V3) As we walked down the sunny beach today Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do We'll never let these memories slip away Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans Repeat chorus)2X's Tag) We jumped on my new red iron pony Quick ride down the beach you & me PS, All constructive help and suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Bikini Babe Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Hi Folks, springtime is here and I wanted a Singer/ Musician, to help develop this lyric! It would be a, 50/50 Co-Write! Thanks, Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Fran, since it starts out as a boy admiring a girl, the element of sexual desire being a factor, the addition of the daughter might be incongruent. I'd keep it a man/woman Song, mainly his ongoing admiration of her, and desire for her.
Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans (Ponies only have one tail, usually, except for that one they had at the county fair last year. When hair is split into two they're usually called 'Pigtails'. That could change, or just say 'Ponytail', singular.)
I just ran through it with my hatchet. I don't know if my version will still work with your Jimmy Buffett idea. I hope so. The crime-scene cleanup crew will be done in a minute. Then you can go in. I've gotta go throw this hatchet in the ocean.
(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011 Fran Williams
Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans Re-write, 01/11/2012
V1) Our younger days just slip away Mini skirts, tiny shirts & mood rings That concert in the park, learning loving in the dark, With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans
Chorus) I remember the first time I saw you That playground was filled Jumping rope, singing then like you still do Our eyes met and you stood still With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.
V2) We still build castles in the sand We still dream, scream and shout! You still sing. You get mad. I just laugh, calling you my bitter half, With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans.
Chorus) I remember the first time I saw you That playground was filled Jumping rope, singing then like you still do Our eyes met and you stood still With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Bridge) I don't know what this all means I still love you with your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.
Chorus) I remember the first time I saw you That playground was filled Jumping rope, singing then like you still do Our eyes met and you stood still With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans. Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Here is my take. You may ignore it if you don't like.
The 1st verse establishes the pattern for the others. Here's my suggestion:
All our younger days / seem to slip away / (da da da da dam /da da da da dam /) Mini skirts, tiny shirts /and mood rings / (da da dam, da da dam /dam dam dam /) Concerts in the park, / loving in the dark / (da da da da dam / da da da da dam /) With your pony tail /and your cut-off jeans / (da da da da dam /da da da da dam /)
A simplified chorus may look like this: The first time I /saw you / (dam dam dam dam /damm dam ) Was /in our school play-/ground / (da /dam dam dam dam /damm /) You're still playing /all around / (dam dam dam dam /dam da damm /) With your pony tail /and your cut-off jeans / (da da da da dam /da da da da dam /)
You can do whatever you want with this. This is your song. Have fun!
Last edited by Guy E. Trepanier; 04/25/19 02:12 PM.
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Fran, since it starts out as a boy admiring a girl, the element of sexual desire being a factor, the addition of the daughter might be incongruent. I'd keep it a man/woman Song, mainly his ongoing admiration of her, and desire for her.
Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans (Ponies only have one tail, usually, except for that one they had at the county fair last year. When hair is split into two they're usually called 'Pigtails'. That could change, or just say 'Ponytail', singular.)
I just ran through it with my hatchet. I don't know if my version will still work with your Jimmy Buffett idea. I hope so. The crime-scene cleanup crew will be done in a minute. Then you can go in. I've gotta go throw this hatchet in the ocean.
(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011 Fran Williams
Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans Re-write, 01/11/2012
V1) Our younger days just slip away Mini skirts, tiny shirts & mood rings That concert in the park, learning loving in the dark, With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans
Chorus) I remember the first time I saw you That playground was filled Jumping rope, singing then like you still do Our eyes met and you stood still With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.
V2) We still build castles in the sand We still dream, scream and shout! You still sing. You get mad. I just laugh, calling you my bitter half, With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans.
Chorus) I remember the first time I saw you That playground was filled Jumping rope, singing then like you still do Our eyes met and you stood still With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Bridge) I don't know what this all means I still love you with your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.
Chorus) I remember the first time I saw you That playground was filled Jumping rope, singing then like you still do Our eyes met and you stood still With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans. Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans Hi Gary, thank you for all the excellent suggestions! The comment about It just being one ponytail is so correct! This is why I admire you so much, and your ability to catch mistakes:) I believe this is a good modern type song! Island beach, flavor and style! I appreciate you, The Bikini Babe
Last edited by F Williams; 04/25/19 03:23 PM.
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Thanks for the comments, I am going to hire a band to develop this lyric. Will be the island flavor and style.
Best, Fran Williams
"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them
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Wow, can't believe this is still active after all the years, I've not been. Not sure I like the way it's developed though, still think it sounds better with the daughter part in it. When it's about reminiscing then something like that builds the story, in my opinion. However it's down to the writer how it turns out.
I'm a lyricist with original lyrics available for all recording purposes, open to collaboration so if interested please see my website. http://www.penkslyrics.com
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