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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Just pulling this out of the lyrics I wrote during the 50/90 Challenge this summer to fix up. At different times during the writing process, I've had it as one of these two titles below. Which title do you think is more suitable?
Any comments or suggestions are welcome!
My Thoughts Come Back To You OR Shadows
The tide slowly rolls in
And the couples on the beach
Stroll along hand and hand
With the waves just out of reach
The sky holds the clouds low
It's a picture perfect scene
When hearts can get together
It’s an afternoon to dream
[lift]
There's shadows on the waves
[ch]
As my thoughts come back to you
And that smile that goes on for miles
I’ll be okay but never the same
Though we’ve moved on the memories remain
I let them come, let them go
Let them line up in a row
As my thoughts come back to you
The dunes go on forever
And the lovers talk and play
Free to explore the beauty
And the promise of a summer day
[lift]
The shadows dance in the wind
[ch]
And my thoughts come back to you
And your smile that goes on for miles
I’ll be okay but never the same
Though we’ve moved on the memories remain
I let them come, let them go
Let them line up in a row
As my thoughts come back to you
[br]
Regrets can be consuming
When ifs and buts are looming
But even after all that we went thru
I still miss you, I miss you
[lift]
And shadows move out of the way
[ch]
As my thoughts come back to you
And your smile that goes on for miles
I’ll be okay but never the same
Though we’ve moved on, sweet memories remain
I let them come, let them go
Let them line up in a row
As my thoughts come back to you
©2011 Kristi McKeever
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Kristi, I really like this and I vote for "My Thoughts Come Back To You". I don't see anything that looks out of place so I'm no help on this.  Dottie
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Hi Kristi
You set a real nice scene of a lovely day lovers walking hand in hand etc. Almost feel like ripping my clothes off and getting some sun(I live in the UK, we don't get sun.lol)
Pity it had to turn out sad though.A well written lyric thanks for shareing
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi Dottie, Oh, but you are helpful on this! Thanks for your vote on the title! And thanks for taking a moment to let me know! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Travis, LOL....yeah, well it's December in New England and the sun sets at 4:30pm these days, so we're not seeing too much sun ourselves!  Hey, thanks for your nice comments! Appreciate it! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Really nice lyrics. They reveal complex emotions very well. I vote for "My Thoughts Come Back To You" because that fits the theme of the song better.
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Hi David, Thank you for your kind comments! I so appreciate having your feedback with the title and why you think "My thoughts come back to you" fits better. Great to know! Thanks for taking the time to read this over and offer your thoughts! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Kristi, Very nice, I also vote for 'My Thoughts Come Back to You'. I am not too fond of long titles, but it seems to be more prominent in the lyric and probably more so once there is music. But, it is the 'shadow' part of the lyric that really caught my attention for some reason. I really like the lifts you have before the chorus and is a spot that is crying out for an awesome musical arrangement to lead into the chorus and make this song unique. Depending on how that would turn out, you may want to wait until there is music before making a final decision on the title. And I don't think I even explained that too well, lol, but I think there are real possibilities there. Because of that, and even if this were only a guitar rather than a fully arranged song, I would spend some time on those lifts to get them as good as can be. There's shadows on the waves ...that sets up the shadow thing, it's a word shorter than the next lift, so if you could think up two words or a two-syllable word to replace 'on' with it could be better The shadows dance in the wind ...perfect! This is really nice. And shadows move out of the way ...this lacks a little oomph when you compare it to the last one, and also has one more word. Lyrics aren't poetry, but I do think these little episodes right before the chorus are short and could benefit by being somewhat poetic. Just my opinion, but that is where I would concentrate my efforts. The rest is nicely written. I think there is just a typo in the first chorus. In the smile line there are two 'that's, but I noticed in the next chorus the first 'that' was replaced with 'your' which sounds much better! B#
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Hi, Nice writing. I vote for the long title. Plus, I agree with Bsharp about something not quite as good as it could be with the last lift... And shadows move out of the way maybe... Dark shadows moved away ? Hope you get some sun :-) Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hi Kristi, A couple of thoughts on the lines below - KOS.
Any comments or suggestions are welcome!
My Thoughts Come Back To You OR Shadows
The tide rolls slowly in
Three couples on the beach
Stroll along hand in hand
Where the waves just cannot reach
The clouds are hovering low today
It's A picture perfect scene
When hearts are drawn together
It's An afternoon to dream
[lift]
There's shadows on the waves
[ch]
And my thoughts rush back to you
Your smile that goes on for miles
I’ll be okay but never the same
Though We’ve moved on but the memories remain
I let them come, let them go
Let them line up in a row
As my thoughts come back to you
The dunes go on forever
And the lovers talk and play
Their eyes explore the beauty
And the promise of a summer day
[lift]
The shadows dance in the wind
[ch]
And my thoughts come back to you
And your smile that goes on for miles
I’ll be okay but never the same
Though we’ve moved on the memories remain
I let them come, let them go
Let them line up in a row
As my thoughts come back to you
[br]
Regrets can be consuming
When ifs and buts keep looming
But even after all that we went thru
I still miss you, I miss you
[lift]
And shadows move out of the way
[ch]
As my thoughts come back to you
And your smile that goes on for miles
I’ll be okay but never the same
Though we’ve moved on, sweet memories remain
I let them come, let them go
Let them line up in a row
As my thoughts come back to you
©2011 Kristi McKeever
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Hi B#,
Thanks for your thoughts here. I think I know what you mean. Yeah, all I've considered so far is the meaning behind the lyric for the title, so that can always be worked out once there is music. And I like a little poetry in a lyric...lol...so it's fun to think of ideas for those lifts. Maybe for lift #1...something like, "There's shadows climbing the waves" or "among" the waves." Calvin has a good idea for the 3rd one...I can think about those...see what comes up.
Oh, and thanks for spotting that "that" in the first chorus! That's what I had originally and had changed it everywhere but there. Good eye!
I appreciate you taking the time to offer your ideas and suggestions!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hey Calvin, Thanks for your vote there on the title! Yeah, those lifts....I was tossing some ideas around...yours is a good one... Dark shadows moved away....or possibly....dark shadows fade away....or disappear... I like the idea of them clearing or fading away, so I'll think on it some more. Thanks for your input! I do appreciate it! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Colin, I've read over your ideas here...and there's a lot of very nice tweaks going on! I especially like the tweak in the line....when hearts "are drawn" together.....as it goes with the "picture perfect scene" being set there. Cool! The other ideas I will keep in mind as I go through this. It usually is a process for me, as time tells me a lot of things and my mind processes the ideas behind the message...and then, of course, music always adds other considerations! lol Fun! Thanks so much for taking some time to go thru this! Much appreciated! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Wow, you do a lot of deep thinking at the beach like I do, you see old loves reflecting in the waves, and hear music in the seagulls cries accompanied by the endless blues of the oceans roar, for all that will be nevermore. I love the song Krisit, I've lived it far too often, summer romances, washed away, leaving only the shells of sweet memories........MFB III
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Hi MFB, Hey, thanks for your lovely comment...It's fun to "immerse myself" in the total scene of a story....your description..."...summer romances, washed away, leaving only the shells of sweet memories"....is a great image! Thanks for stopping by and giving this a read! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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HiDee Mz Sunshine...I'll join with the herd & recommend the Longer of the 2 Titles..(much as I LOVE One-Worders...heh!) Thisn's NICELY-Wistful, while "Shadows" has sort of a Sinister Touch inherent to it.,(JMO, anyways...)
I've had fun messing with Your Lines here/KOS any that aren't gettin'-better, & Good Luck with a Real Good'n', Mz K!
The tide rolls slowly in
AS the couples on the beach
Stroll hand-in-hand along
AS SOFT BLUE waves BREAK out of reach
BRIGHT sky holds PINK clouds low
It's a picture-perfect scene
Where hearts can get-together
ON an afternoon to dream
There ARE shadows on the waves...
(CH)
As my thoughts come back to you
YOUR WHITE smile goes on for miles
I'll be OK, YET never the same
We've moved-on, WHILE memories remain
I let them come, I let them go
CAN'T FORGET THE BEST I KNOW
As my thoughts come back..to you
BEIGE Dunes go on forever {ALT: Sand)
See the lovers talk & play
Freely exploring beauty and
PromiseS of Summer DayS
WHILE shadows START dancING in the wind...
(BRIDGE)
REGRETS ARE LIKE A TATTOO
INK-YOU-DEEP, THE MORE THEY SCRATCH-YOU
But after all that we went through
I still miss you...
I still miss you...
WHILE the shadows..move out of the way...
(etc.)
It was fun whackin' the ANDS and THEs outta this, & addin' some Local Color..heh-heh! Dunno if the TATOO Idea's workin'-Perfectly, but Da Bridge wasn't nailing me, as-penned, so...I gave it a Go... (&, perhaps the Dude WASN'T your Best-Ever, but..it's more-Dramatic to think that perhaps he was..heh!) ;-)>
Good Luck with this Wistful One, M'LadyChum!
Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan
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Hi Kristi,
This is very tender and sweet -- the listener is on the beach with you!
You've gotten lots of good suggestions-- I agree with Stan about the bridge needing something more. Also, it seems to me, at this point, that she seems to be past regrets, so even bringing up regrets -- maybe brings a little too much reality into a dream-like song?!
Nice write!
Lisa
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KRISTI--
YOU HAVE A LOT OF GOOD SUGGESTIONS--
I LIKE SHORT TITLES--YOU, THOUGHTS AND SHADOWS
WRITE ON--
Mackie
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Hey Kristi, I vote for "My Thoughts Come Back To You" Tweaks below, keep or sweep The tide slowly rolls in See the couples on the beach The sky holds the clouds low For a picture perfect scene When hearts can get together It’s an afternoon to dream [ch] As my thoughts come back to you And your smile that goes on for miles I’ll be okay though we've moved on So many memories stay strongThe dunes go on forever Watch the lovers talk and play Free to explore the beauty And the promise of a summer day [br] Regrets can be consuming When ifs and buts are looming <<--more poetic than lyricalBut even after all that we went thru [color:#000099]<<--I still miss you, I miss you[/color] <<--Both of these lines are cliche's
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Hey Stan, I am always amazed with ideas people come up with...even if it's just a small word, like "yet" or "while" or "soft"." They DO make a difference, and may make the accent hit differently so I will keep all your ideas in mind when thoughts about music enter the picture! Yeah, the tattoo idea...I dunno...reminds me of American Idol's Jordin Sparks' song "Tattoo" and I can hear her singing, "like a tattoo....I'll always have you..." lol Though your image is very vivid and accurate! Your idea for the first lift...I had to laugh....I had it as a contraction and take that away and a nice phrase is left: "There are shadows on the waves..." Why didn't I think of that?! ha ha I see your idea in the chorus about "the best I know"...I shall think on that one...not sure at this point what I think about that. And thanks for weighing in on the title too. I like the idea of hinting at something "dark" there, so you got that there. I think I'd like to have an element at some level of that there because after all, nothing is perfect and I didn't want the memories to be idealized. So that's what I was thinking with that. Thanks so much for spending some time with this, Stan! I appreciate it very much! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Lisa, Thanks for your nice words. Yeah, bridges drive me crazy sometimes! You make a good point about the bridge....I mentioned to Stan that I don't want the song to be too idealized, so the bridge brings up the fact that the person thinks about the "reality bites"....hmmm...I'm tossing it around in my mind since it is a good point you're making! Thanks so much for going to the beach for a bit! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Mackie, Yep...lots of good suggestions...including yours for the title! Thanks for offering up your idea....this is a work in progress...(everything I have is a work in progress! LOL) Thanks for stopping by! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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But even after all that we went thru [color:#000099]<<--
I still miss you, I miss you[/color] <<--Both of these lines are cliche's
Hi Shayne, Oh now, come on....lol...don't you think the meaning in those lines still remains? I think some cliches are okay in songs where the meaning is still there and it brings new information to the listener. How else do you say, "I miss you?" I know, I know..."I miss your....."....but ya know? Those verb suggestions are an active option...interesting....The "For" a picture perfect scene is quite natural, I like that! I also love a little poetry in songs, so I am okay with "looming." If it sings awkwardly, then that's a different story though. I appreciate you drawing my attention to these things you've drawn my attention to! Keeps me thinking, which I am always doing as the ideas kind of melt together in my brain as I drive to work, wash the dishes, etc...so thanks for taking time to go over this! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Kristi, I like "Shadows." This is a song about someone whose memories shadow her. She can't shake them. She glances over her shoulder, they're still there. Maybe doesn't even want to shake them. Shadows are a metaphor for her memories, for her thoughts always returning to him. Shadows.
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Oh now, come on....lol...don't you think the meaning in those lines still remains? I think some cliches are okay in songs where the meaning is still there and it brings new information to the listener. How else do you say, "I miss you?" I know, I know..."I miss your....."....but ya know? Hey Kristi, I usually critique from a commercial point of view, which means " if you've heard it before, send it out the door". Music execs and artists frown on " common" (unless they wrote it!) You can say "I miss you" another way by showing how or in what way. Think music video. What scenes would you shoot to depict missing someone? Transfer those exact scenes to paper.
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Hey Shayne,
Yeah, I hear ya. I will think on that, though I think a singer could really sing, "I miss you" in a heartfelt way...I could always combine that phrase with something more interesting...or go completely "music video"...thinking visually in those last two lines....let me see...
Regrets can be consuming
When ifs and buts are looming
There's that old green bench on the boardwalk
And oh, the memories that, like the ocean's roar, just never stop
Well, not quite what I was trying to say there, but it's fun to think of things....we'll see! I appreciate your input!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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The bench needs to have a heart carved with their initials in it from years ago!
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Hi Dan, Sorry....I went out of order here.... Hey, thanks for your vote for the title. You got what I was trying to say.....yep. I can see the reasoning for both titles, so that's why I was wondering what people got from it. I am happy to have your perspective! Thanks for your "vote!" It's very helpful to me! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hey Lisa, Ah Ha...!...that's right! Hearts carved in there like a tree! Or at least initials! Is that too sugary? LOL I still see our initials on the old bench on the boardwalk....Lots of syllables there....hmmm... I still see our heart on the old bench on the boardwalk...More food for thought! Thanks! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Maybe something like "I still see our love carved on that old bench..." (or "proof of our love"). Maybe you don't need the boardwalk because the setting's already on the beach and people know that benches are around...
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Lisa...that's true....they would know it's on a boardwalk more or less...you got me thinking and I just found myself searching the web for rhymes for "initialed!"  So, here comes the poetry.... There's our bench with love initialed Scattered yellow thistle And the ifs and buts of what we might have been Other than a memory that never wants to end My sons say this makes sense but they're playing video games right now and yessing me! I'll keep playing with it! Thanks for the inspiration! It's fun! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Kristi,
I just saw this -- I like the image!
In the third line, do you think it should be "LIKE the ifs and buts...." -- as if, the scattered thistle are like the ifs and buts. Also, in the fourth line, instead of "other than" -- maybe "remain a memory..."
You better check with your son and his friends, though! LOL!
Lisa
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,225 Likes: 30 |
Nice melancholy lyrics Kristi. Heartfelt. I think many people can relate to such bittersweet memories. I'll go with "My Thoughts Come Back To You" - or "Bittersweet Memories" - . Best, John
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 437
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 437 |
Looking out my window my thoughts come back to you and your lyrics. Very nice. A few words I'd eliminate or move around which has been stated but overall I enjoyed the piece. Arealrush
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2 |
Hi Lisa,
Oh...I like the comparison! Let's see....
There's our bench with love initialed
Scattered yellow thistle
LIKE the ifs and buts of what we might have been
REMAIN a memory that never wants to end
Hey, it's getting closer! I may need a little word in that last line like "all" or "and"...or something like, "These memories never want to end..." I was asking myself if memories not ending made sense because that's what a memory is...and I just asked my sons and one says, "what if you forget? Then it ends." And the other one said, "Uh, sure." LOL (my head is spinning!)
Thanks Lisa, for your help! It's fun thinking up ideas!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2 |
Hi John, Oh hey, another vote for the longer title and also a new idea! Cool. Thanks for your nice comments and weighing in on the title. Appreciate it! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2 |
Hi Arealrush,
Nice to meet you. Thanks for taking time to read this over and offer your input. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, there's parts of it that I am mulling over....we'll see where it goes!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
"Shadowed Thoughts"
Really love this one Kristi. You have captured the emotion / feeling / moment perfectly. No "nits" what so ever!
"Merry Christmas"
Douglas
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2 |
Hi Douglas,
"Shadowed Thoughts"....now there's a way to combine the two running ideas! It's great to have your idea....and I will go over this lyric with that and the other ideas in mind and see what happens! You just never know!
Thanks for your very nice comments....so glad you like it!
Have a Merry Christmas!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
Hello Kristi. I though it was a good hook/title. Douglas
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