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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 33
Casual Observer
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 33 |
Hey everybody, this is my second completed song. i was a bit catious on using the words "what's it to you?" coz they are a bit sarcastic, but i couldn't get the words outa my head so i wrote them down. what do you think? how can i make it better? thank you
"What's it to you?" Tolkien copyright 2003
Those were the best days I remember so well Those were the last days Before my sky fell. You were my best friend And we were content I loved you as my brother My love is not spent.
Chorus: What’s it to you? Why do you do the things you do? What’s it to you? Don’t try and take this as your cue. Don’t say you love me if you don’t Don’t say you’ll be there if you won’t What’s it to you?
It ended on that fateful night Beneath the stars so bright I looked at you and you at me It all felt so right. When your lips touched mine I felt a pang inside Somehow I knew in my heart That was the turn of the tide.
Chorus
Why weren’t we satisfied, Being close just as friends? Why did it have to change? Why did it have to end? Don’t take it out on me Coz I’m hurting too I miss the way things were But most of all I miss you.
Chorus
Don’t think it’s too late We have too much to lose Don’t think our friendship’s lost It up to you to choose. Can’t erase what happened Can’t forget all that was said But I still love you as my friend That’s what really matters.
Chorus
------------------ Drinking from the saucer coz my cup has overflowed.
Drinking from the saucer coz my cup has overflowed.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 621
Serious Contributor
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Posts: 621 |
Good start. You have something keep it up.
My only "nit" would be how you allowed yourself to fall into some of the traps of writing. Our job is too say the same thing a different way "Beneath the stars so bright" has been said way too many times try another approach OR not telling us but showing us what you mean "Why do you do the things you do?" This line and others like it become more powerful when they "show" us the why's and whats and hows etc...
Overal I like what you have going here. RE-WRITE is not a bad word. (For some of my own it is even more fun.)
Keep Writing!
doug
------------------ "You can do what ever you want to do where ever you want to go. It's up to you." John Denver
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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,550
Top 200 Poster
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I'm sure I don't need to tell you "What's it to you" was a hit song for Clay Walker about 5 years ago ..... (?)
"It Mattered to THAT One"
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
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Hi, Tolkein!
You may want to examine the verses and make sure the meter,line length, syllable count and inflection are close enough to accomodate a consistent melody. A good way to check that is to line up the corresponding lines. (ie. the first lines of every verse, the second lines etc.
I like what the song is saying. The "what's it to you" hook doesn't fit in with the verses though. Might want to think of some close alternatives: What do I mean to you, It's all up to you.
Keep at this. It's coming along nicely.
JeanB
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4 |
I like it, and lots could relate to it, when love starts to go dormant. Since Clay Walker did it, why not just change the hook/title to something like, "What are we to you?" You are saying the same thing, only in a kinder way perhaps. Just a thought. It all felt so right and beneath the stars so bright seem a bit overused, I agree. With a little mind bending, you can come up with something MUCH better for those lines. Good luck. Excellent start. DIXIE
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 33
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 33 |
Thanks. No, i've never heard of Clay Walker actually,lol, but thanks for telling me. Dixie, i really like your thought of "What are we to you?" it does sound a bit nicer. Thanks Douglas, yeah i will change those lines. What about
It ended on that fateful night simple things were on my mind Your eyes held mine for so long something there i couldn't find When your lips touched mine I felt a pang inside Somehow I knew in my heart That was the turn of the tide.
Any better? And JeanB, thanks for replying too, there is just too much required for a song to be called good! oh well. When you finally finish a song (re-writes included) what do you do with it?? thanks everybody ~Tolkien
------------------ Drinking from the saucer coz my cup has overflowed.
Drinking from the saucer coz my cup has overflowed.
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,824
Top 100 Poster
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Hi Tolkein! I love everything you've got here except the line "What's it to You?" -- and unfortunately that's the catchphrase. When you first read it, it doesn't seem to fit exactly right because it seems too sarcastic and doesn't quite make sense for the rest of the lyrics. It's a great phrase though -- but not with the theme here....this doesn't quite have enough in-your-face attitude for the phrase. I do know you're trying to get the idea across of "So-just what DID it all mean to YOU?!" and it's a great overall theme though. Maybe a little juggling of the words or a catch-phrase with similar meaning that fits a little better with these words? OR you could re-write some of the lyrics to fit the catch-phrase better -- add a little more sass. (Robbie Nevil also had a song back in the 80's called What's it to Ya? by the way -- but since titles are not copyrightable, you can use the exact one.) Anyway, best of luck to you with this because I like the whole general flow of this!! It's a GREAT piece of work for being only your second full song. Keep it up -- you have alot of talent! Best, Cindy North 2 South [This message has been edited by Cindy LaRosa (edited 03-14-2003).]
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 279
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Tolkien, I've read this through several times. You've gotten some good feedback on this. I wish you the best and keep plugging away.
"what fails to kill me only makes me stronger."
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Joined: Oct 2001
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The storyline I see is a man and a woman are best friends until they actually kiss one day, now they wish they hadn't (??) Or is it just the SINGER who wishes she hadn't kissed him cus now he wants more (??)
A good rule of thumb when writing about a situation is to be very clear in YOUR mind, exactly what the situation is, who the people are, what happened in detail (not that it all goes in the song).
Another hint is, if you're going to ask alot of "why" questions in the song, eventually, the listener wants to know to. Usually either the singer answers the question hypothetically or the subject of the song answers the question by some sort of "action".
I would use verse 1 to describe their relationship as it was, verse 2 to actually SHOW us the scene when then kissed, then chorus, than verse 3 to ask the questins and verse 4 to wrap of the story or make some sort of a conclusion.
I hope that helps. You can do it, you have all the words and adjectives in the world at your disposal. (smile) Kay-lynn
"It Mattered to THAT One"
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,899
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tolk.... first off, welcome to jpf. glad to have you. second.... i'm kinda with red on this one. what exactly happened? were they friends, then kissed, then broke up? i'm a little fuzzy on the intent of the song. you have really good verses but i can't figure out where they are going. keep working on this though because the beginning of the song really caught me. that is the first step!! scotty
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 621
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Posts: 621 |
Douglas here again. The improvements are worth looking at for sure. I added a Sample Checklist for you, something to consider when writing, after you have finished and before you post. Hope it helps.
"What do you do after this one is finished, re-writes and all? You store it and start the next."
Take Care!
doug
Sample Checklist
Concerning the verses:
1. Is the opening line one that grabs your attention? 2. Does the first verse put you in a mood or a setting-does it give me a picture of where you are and who you are with? Who are you talking to? 3. Does the first verse set up a problem or conflict that makes you curious about what's going to happen? 4. Does the first verse create a character or situation that you can identify or sympathize with? 5. Is a second verse immediately needed to accomplish these objectives? If so. Is there enough continuity, visual imagery, musical interest and/or anything else happening to maintain interest until the chorus comes? 6. Do the verses (1 or 2) lead you directly into the chorus?
Concerning the Chorus (and Bridge indirectly). 7. Does the chorus show you the focus of the song-tell you what it's about-crystallize the idea-make the point? 8. Do the verses make a promise and does the chorus deliver? 9. Does the chorus take you to a brand new place musically? (It should be different enough from the verse melody to set it clearly apart. There should be no question that this is the chorus.) 10. Is the chorus short enough that you can remember and can sing the whole thing after hearing it three times in the song? 11. Is it interesting enough that I want to hear it again? 12. Does the second or third verse...further develop the concept of the song, give you insight into the situation and, again lead me directly to the chorus? 13. Does it feel absolutely natural and right to go back to the chorus again? 14. Is a Bridge necessary? It should feel natural and used to "bring" together those elements not found within the verses and chorus OR as a means of hitting the point home.
Consider these and the 5 W’s whenever you are in doubt about your lyric. You should be able to answer most if not all.
------------------ "You can do what ever you want to do where ever you want to go. It's up to you." John Denver
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