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#929594 10/24/11 10:00 AM
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Well done. Nice story telling to set up the chorus. Some of the lines don't flow as smoothly as others...that's my only nit, for what that's worth.

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Originally Posted by Neil Cotton
Well done. Nice story telling to set up the chorus. Some of the lines don't flow as smoothly as others...that's my only nit, for what that's worth.


Neil,
Thanks for listening. I'm still working on this. Hopefully I will get a few more listens and some suggestions.
Kyrk


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Hi Kyrk,

This is very pretty and you have a great voice! I love the title. There are places the words sound rushed. I think if you trimmed it a bit it would sound better. It seems that every other line sounds rushed in the verses.

LOTS OF CRAYONS
by Lloyd Kyrk (BMI) copyright 2009

[1ST VERSE]
I was working on my old Chevy,
When I felt a tug on my dirty pants leg. Here you could drop (when I) OR (dirty)
My daughter had something to show me,
A pretty drawing with a heart colored red.

I think taking just a couple of syllables out of every other line will make a big difference. smile

Dottie

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Very nice story -- excellent heart-tugger. Musically, it's a good match. Super well done all around.

You need to do more work with the phrasing in the verse singing, it just needs to flow better. See these spots: "dirty pant's leg", "pretty drawing with heart...", "one of the worlds very best", ... It just seems like you've run out of room here and there. It's minor, but those minor things are the difference between a good and great song.


"Good science comes in peer reviewed journals. Conspiracy theories come in YouTube videos. "
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
Dottie #929678 10/24/11 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Dottie
Hi Kyrk,

This is very pretty and you have a great voice! I love the title. There are places the words sound rushed. I think if you trimmed it a bit it would sound better. It seems that every other line sounds rushed in the verses.

LOTS OF CRAYONS
by Lloyd Kyrk (BMI) copyright 2009

[1ST VERSE]
I was working on my old Chevy,
When I felt a tug on my dirty pants leg. Here you could drop (when I) OR (dirty)
My daughter had something to show me,
A pretty drawing with a heart colored red.

I think taking just a couple of syllables out of every other line will make a big difference. smile

Dottie


Dottie,
Thanks for listening. When I get a chance I will be reworking this. Thanks for the suggestions.
Kyrk


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Originally Posted by Kevin Emmrich
Very nice story -- excellent heart-tugger. Musically, it's a good match. Super well done all around.

You need to do more work with the phrasing in the verse singing, it just needs to flow better. See these spots: "dirty pant's leg", "pretty drawing with heart...", "one of the worlds very best", ... It just seems like you've run out of room here and there. It's minor, but those minor things are the difference between a good and great song.


Kevin,
Thanks for lsitening. It's minor but its aggravating also. Not sure when I'll get a chance to rework this. Trying to learn some songs on the alto sax.
Take care,
Kyrk


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KYRK-

GREAT PRODUCTION ON MY OVER-ALL TAKE--I THINK THE CH NEEDS A SUBSTITUTE LINE TO PEAK THE SYNOPSIS OF WHAT THE REASON IS--

EXAMPLE:

[CHORUS]
It's going to take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.
COLORS OF MY MIXED EMOTIONS,
More than just red, green or blue.
It's going to take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.

FINE WRITING AND SINGING--

Mackie

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Hey Kyrk:

Love the story here, the hook, and the music. I think you are onto something very cool. Phrasing seemed rushed in places and sometimes the accent falls on the wrong syllable (like on pant's leg). I am frequently told I do the same two things smile

Is very close in my opinion - all the heavy lifting has been done. Just some fine-tuning now. Nice!

Scott

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Kyrk..

Well, I think all the nits I had have been covered...mostly having to rush a few lines rto get all the words in. Some of the words are probably expendable. That said...killer hook and great story line! Just need s a little polish...should shine bright then! All the best...

Al

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Good evening Kyrk,

should have had a kleenex warning next to your title.

I was expecting a kids song ala Kaley Willow. This was a
pleasant surprise.

Production of this is top notch. Sounded great.

Last line of v.3 seemed a bit wordy tho...altho it's sounding
better each time I hear it.

Only thing I can suggest is the last line of the bridge...

and these are the words we told her...
and this is what we told her...

Nice job with this sweet song. Good luck with it...

Clark

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Originally Posted by Mackie H.
KYRK-

GREAT PRODUCTION ON MY OVER-ALL TAKE--I THINK THE CH NEEDS A SUBSTITUTE LINE TO PEAK THE SYNOPSIS OF WHAT THE REASON IS--

EXAMPLE:

[CHORUS]
It's going to take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.
COLORS OF MY MIXED EMOTIONS,
More than just red, green or blue.
It's going to take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.

FINE WRITING AND SINGING--

Mackie


Mackie,
Thanks for commenting and listening. Thanks for the suggestion.
Appreciate it.
Kyrk


I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks. (Daniel Boone)
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Originally Posted by Al David
Kyrk..

Well, I think all the nits I had have been covered...mostly having to rush a few lines rto get all the words in. Some of the words are probably expendable. That said...killer hook and great story line! Just need s a little polish...should shine bright then! All the best...

Al


Al,
I'm glad I'm close on this. Thanks for listening and commenting.
Kyrk


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Originally Posted by Scott Campbell
Hey Kyrk:

Love the story here, the hook, and the music. I think you are onto something very cool. Phrasing seemed rushed in places and sometimes the accent falls on the wrong syllable (like on pant's leg). I am frequently told I do the same two things smile

Is very close in my opinion - all the heavy lifting has been done. Just some fine-tuning now. Nice!

Scott


Scott,
Thanks for listening and commenting. Now comes the fine tuning
but I won't be rushing into it.
Take care,
Kyrk


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Originally Posted by Clark Dickinson
Good evening Kyrk,

should have had a kleenex warning next to your title.

I was expecting a kids song ala Kaley Willow. This was a
pleasant surprise.

Production of this is top notch. Sounded great.

Last line of v.3 seemed a bit wordy tho...altho it's sounding
better each time I hear it.

Only thing I can suggest is the last line of the bridge...

and these are the words we told her...
and this is what we told her...

Nice job with this sweet song. Good luck with it...

Clark


Clark,
Thanks for listening and commenting. Thanks for the suggestion. Sorry I didn't have the kleenex warning up.
Take care,
Kyrk


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kyrk,

The chorus is not quite there for me --- but close. The least I would do is take out the middle "going to take a lot of crayons" out. I personally think that line is said too many times. You could still keep it simple by using a line about "colors" before the next line.

Just my 2 cents. Like the story a lot!

Ricky

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Originally Posted by Ricky Layne
kyrk,

The chorus is not quite there for me --- but close. The least I would do is take out the middle "going to take a lot of crayons" out. I personally think that line is said too many times. You could still keep it simple by using a line about "colors" before the next line.

Just my 2 cents. Like the story a lot!

Ricky


Ricky Layne,
Thanks for commenting and for the suggestions. Your 2 cents is valuable to me.
Kyrk

Last edited by kyrksongs; 10/27/11 10:48 AM.

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Hey Lloyd,

Not a bad song, certainly well produced ( was this a Nashville demo thing ? )

To be honest, I really think the lyrics let it down. It's a pleasant listen, but doesn't really want the listner to ask for more.

A good filler for sure, so good luck with it.

cheers, niteshift

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Hey there Kyrk....I don't know how I missed this one, but I think this is super! Great song...are you pitching this??

If there is anywhere that needs focusing it would be the places the lyric seems rushed (rushed, because the syllable count is too much).
Was this demo'd by an outside source...let me know...if it is. I'd like to know what your experience is with this????
Great song..... -Tom

Last edited by Cognac; 10/27/11 06:02 PM.
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Originally Posted by niteshift
Hey Lloyd,

Not a bad song, certainly well produced ( was this a Nashville demo thing ? )

To be honest, I really think the lyrics let it down. It's a pleasant listen, but doesn't really want the listner to ask for more.

A good filler for sure, so good luck with it.

cheers, niteshift


niteshift,

Thanks for listening. Appreciate your comments.
Kyrk


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Originally Posted by Cognac
Hey there Kyrk....I don't know how I missed this one, but I think this is super! Great song...are you pitching this??

If there is anywhere that needs focusing it would be the places the lyric seems rushed (rushed, because the syllable count is too much).
Was this demo'd by an outside source...let me know...if it is. I'd like to know what your experience is with this????
Great song..... -Tom


Tom,
This was demoed by an outside source. My experience from this would be it really wasn't a collaboration like I wanted. I'm trying to learn how to make better lyrics and I didn't receive any comments about the lyric. So, I'm probably just going to write lyrics and forget about demoing since I have been unable to find any co-writers. I just started learning music theory but I have a long way to go; I've been hanging around with some local musicians and once I learn more and can play the saxophone better then I might try it again. They say this old man has some talent...
Kyrk


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Lloyd,
This has an excellent hook!
I agree with the others that some of the lines sound rushed. I offer some condensing below that may help. Keep or sweep smile

[1ST VERSE]
I was working on my old Chevy,
When I felt a tug on my dirty pants leg.
My daughter had something to show me,
Her pretty drawing of a heart colored red.

[2ND VERSE]
Then she asked me, how much I loved her,
I wiped my hands and touched the top of her head;
Then the warm tears made my eyes blur,
I held her real close and then I said:

[CHORUS]
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
More than just red, green or blue.
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.

[3RD VERSE]
I guess that old truck will have to wait,
Cause we went inside and started to sketch.
Sixty-four crayons, oh, give or take,
Made a picture, one of the world's very best.

[CHORUS]
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
More than just red, green or blue.
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.

[BRIDGE]
Now, when the wife came home from work,
My daughter and I had something to show her.
We held up our colored picture,
And this is what we said to her:

[CHORUS]
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
More than just red, green or blue.
It's gonna take a lot of crayons,
To show how much I love you.


“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard

Co-writing = Compromise!


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Shayne,
Thanks for looking this over.
I've printed everything up and hopefully I can have this redone sometime soon.
Kyrk


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I missed it, sooooo sweet - agree with the Clark's comment about kleenex (LOL). Beautiful, and what a fine singing!

MaxG #932032 11/11/11 03:15 AM
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Originally Posted by MaxG
I missed it, sooooo sweet - agree with the Clark's comment about kleenex (LOL). Beautiful, and what a fine singing!


MaxG
I'm working at a new job and I haven't been able to get on here of late. Thanks for commenting.
Kyrk


I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks. (Daniel Boone)

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