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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 695
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As I wend my way through writer's block, an oooooooold one I'm resurrecting and maybe reworking. Any suggestions would be helpful. I haven't been on the site in a while, but I'm looking forward to seeng what's going on.
The long line in the second verse fills up an otherwise roomy musical phrase. I don't have an mp3 for this, althought that might make a good project...
We Can Fall Copyright Richard P. Myers
Verse The desire in her eyes is tumbling
Through their shades of brown and green.
There's something in my heart.
She's walking like a rope's beneath her feet.
Chorus I need a chance, a chance to see.
Is this attraction gravity?
Offer me a moment in your arms.
I don't know where we'll land.
But we can fall.
Verse I've seen the aftermath of avalanches,
comets crashing, flatlines, blackholes.
A party dress falls to the floor.
Oh, she said, shut up and kiss me.
Remember the walls of Jericho.
Chorus I need a chance, a chance to see.
Is this attraction gravity?
Offer me a moment in your arms.
I don't know where we'll land.
But we can fall.
We can fall.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
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i thought i had some nits but it's so far out there that i'm diggin' it like it is.Cool write!
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 284
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Hi Richard,
Very original, “attraction gravity” - “falling in love”, very good. Personally I would have preferred a rhyming scheme in the verses and IMHO the added 5th line in verse 2, the Jericho line is not necessary since you’ve given quite a few examples of fall/gravity like: avalanches, comets crashing, flatlines, blackholes. A party dress falls to the floor prior to that line:
Very original, well done Jan
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
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Hi Richard,
I really like the images you have here, and what you've done with this subject, but it feels somehow too short for me...I somehow want more!
Regarding the Jericho line -- I really like that image and am wondering whether you'd want to make that into a subject for another verse or a bridge.
The brown-to-green eye line...at first, I thought this meant that she was turning jealous, but after reading it several times, I don't think that's what you meant. If it is jealousy, maybe a little more to support that theme is needed.
Good luck with this -- I really like what you have so far!
Lisa
Lisa
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Joined: Jun 2010
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Thanks for checking it out, Folks.
Lisa. Honestly the shades of brown and green line come from a woman whose eyes were light brown with green flecks. I've wondered if that's too unclear. I guess I've always thought of this song as having kind of abstract verses resolved by a clearer chorus. I don't know. I might have to rethink that.
As far as more verses, I appreciate the thought. It's just that this is a kind of a one-idea song. Plus there's a kind of long instrumental part in there.
Michael. But that's my favorite line! A new verse based on it. Hmmm. Anyway, thanks agian.
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Joined: Jun 2010
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Joined: May 2009
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Richard, Suggestions below. keep or sweep There's something in my heart. What is it? Fear, anger, jealousy, love? A party dress falls to the floor. Oh, she said, shut up and kiss me. She said, Shut up and kiss me as her dress hit the floorRemember the walls of Jericho.
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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