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#923248 - 09/20/11 05:46 PM She slipped thru his hands. 3rd Rewrite.  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Another rewrite


She slipped thru his hands.

v

Ma said,my he's ideal

you're the one he adores!

But Ma didn't know how she feels

and she can't take anymore

v
She needed more than a home

while he worked at the forge

Didn't want to play mom

where days just merged


c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man


v

She had no best friend

no one to approach

It would signal the end

in a town of church goin' folk

b

Ma thought it was the perfect match

Pa had his doubts, thought Ma pushed too much

Such a tall handsome guy, better watch out

Pa loved her, but knew one day, truth would come out


c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v

She tried hard to please

though in the marital bed

I guess he could see

she wanted somethin' more instead

v

One day on a social site

got talkin' to another gal

Just felt so right

her kinda world

c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v

Had so much in common

"she really understands"

Woman don't need a man

that's how it all began

v

Left him a note

could break his heart

Your one hell of a guy

now you see why we must part?

c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v
Found happiness at last

but regrets all the hurt

as every day goes past

she still pictures him at work

c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v
Could never hit a woman

though couldn't handle this "shame"

if it was just man to man

he'd pay dearly for the blame

c
She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v

Months went by drinkin got bad

boss nearly fired him

But for a good word from her dad

Lord I knew your chances were slim

Tag
He sat down with her Pa said,, she always confide in me
told me 'bout everythin', couldn't tell her Ma you see
But if she ever wanted a man, it would have been you
beg you forgive us,for whatwe put you thru
--------------------------------------------------------------
A complete rewrite


She slipped thru his hands.

v

Ma said,my he's ideal

you're the one he adores!

But Ma didn't know how she feels

and she can't take anymore

v
She needed more than a home

while he worked at the forge

Didn't want to play mom

where days just merged


c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man


v

She had no best friend

no one to approach

I'd would signal the end

in a town of church goin' folk

b

Ma thought it was the perfect match

Pa had his doubts, thought Ma pushed too much

Such a tall handsome guy, better watch out

some other gal will net him and you'll loose out


c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v

She tried hard to please

though in the marital bed

I guess he could see

she wanted somethin' more instead

v

One day on a social site

got talkin' to another gal

Just felt so right

her kinda world

c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v

Had so much in common

"she really understands"

Woman don't need a man

that's how it all began

v

Left him a note

could break his heart

Your one hell of a guy

now you see why we must part?

c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man

v
Found happiness at last

but regrets all the hurt

as every day goes past

she still pictures him at work

c

She slipped thru his giant hands

he found it hard to understand

Though he was gentle as a lamb

she didn't need love from a man



------------------------------------------------------------------


A bit uneven in the verses at the moment, but it's early days yet. Feedback welcome.



She slipped thru his hands.

v

He had a grip like steel

stood 'bout 6ft 4.

But she knew how he'd feel

when she walked out thru the door

c

She slipped thru those giant hands

that could poleax any man

But when they held her close

he was kind and gentle as a lamb


v

She was tired of keepin' home

while he labored at the forge

She Just hated playin' mom

where every day just seemed to merge

c
She slipped thru those giant hands

that could poleax any man

But when they held her close

he was kind and gentle as a lamb


v
There just wasn't anybody else

caus he was one hell of a a guy

somethin' she had to do for her herself

before the years,passed her by


b
She only packed the few things she'd need

didn't take much, it wasn't for pure greed

He was a good man but old headed in his ways

she needed somethin' more in life,for those lonely days

v

Came home from work,found the letter

for the first time, went off to a bar

cried, cos he'd never forget her

what made her go this far?

c
c
She slipped thru those giant hands

that could poleax any man

But when they held her close

he was kind and gentle as a lamb

Last edited by Travis david; 09/22/11 04:23 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#923285 - 09/20/11 08:55 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 265
gkwaters Offline
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gkwaters  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 265
This seems all over the place and not all that believable.

He's a hell of a guy that doesn't drink and there isn't anybody else but she just wants to leave her hard working gentle man...huh?

Could pole axe any man?...not sure what that is?

You're too wordy in spots:
"Walked out thru the door" why not just "walked out the door"
"She only packed the few things she'd need. She didn't take much" You just said the same thing twice.

You said he was old headed but gave no examples.

Sorry if it sounds like a bashing.

#923299 - 09/20/11 10:18 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: gkwaters]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Louisiana
yeah,i'm kinda lost too,did she hate playing mom to him or was she leaving the kids too?Oh it's pole axe?What the heck is that?
Just not enough info here,maybe it's best for him that she left.

#923361 - 09/21/11 04:07 AM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,659
glynda Offline
glynda  Offline

Top 20 Poster

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,659
Princeton Texas
Well to me it's a really good start, you have your basics down, now the work of putting it to together , trimming and working the puzzle together...this is how I write, I put all my thoughts down, then go in for the kill...I know this one will be great once you're finished with it...looking forward to seeing the finished version...as you said it's still in the very early stages.....but it's got potential.....

OH AND MY GRANDFATHER HAD A POLEAX, IT'S LIKE A LONG WOODEN AX ON ONE END AND A BLADE ON THE OTHER ..HE AND THE NEIGHBORS GOT TOGETHER AND WOULD SLAUGHTER COWS, HOGS WITH FOR MEAT FOR THE WINTER..i GUESS YOU COULD HAVE LIKE GAMES WHERE MEN WOULD SEE WHO WAS THE STRONGEST....IT WAS VERY HEAVY FOR ME...AND HE KEPT IT HIGH UP IN THE BARN RAFFTERS...

glyn

Last edited by glynda; 09/21/11 04:19 AM.
#923366 - 09/21/11 05:43 AM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: glynda]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Glyn thanks for the one vote of encouragement.LOL
GK & Michael. I used to follow boxing in the 1960s/1970s. There was a great British boxing writer by the name of Wilson, who wrote for the Daily Mirror.
He used the phrase "poleaxed" a couple of times to describe the complete destruction of an opponent in the ring.
Early days yet.He loved her she loved him,great guy, but she had to fligh.
Had no kids she was mom to him, yes Iknow it's wordy too.
Thanks for looking
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#923685 - 09/22/11 11:56 AM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Posts: 11,726
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Done some more rewrites on this.


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#923699 - 09/22/11 12:56 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 123
robert wynn Offline
Serious Contributor
robert wynn  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 123
missouri
I gave up in the first verse and found it difficult to go on, the chorus is not there yet and that's where I feel you need to begin your quest, It has to be the bells, whistles, flashing, blinding lights with NO NEW INFORMATION.The children in your neighborhood and in the U.K. must <GET IT> I hope this helps you, I know how difficult the most simple things can be, or are they?


Thanks for stopping by
#923708 - 09/22/11 01:18 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: robert wynn]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,438
Sofa King Bixby Offline
Serious Contributor
Sofa King Bixby  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,438
home and loving it
the first version seemed to be more poem or a "lesbian comming out of her own closet" story. The second version seemed ambigious. I didn't know why she was leaving in that version. I think you may be doing something i catch myself doing alot of the time and forsaking the song to make a rhyme. try this... write the story you want to tell, and then try to sing it. adjust it so you can.

good luck
cheers
steve


"sing along little hotties in those wet t-shirts" -Tricia "angel" Baker


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=718667
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/stephenbixby
#923716 - 09/22/11 01:33 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Sofa King Bixby]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
I prefer the "coming out " version Steve. Again this needs more work on it. I have given up on version 1 at the moment.LOL
Thanks for your comments
Regards
Travis
PS love the cartoon!

Last edited by Travis david; 09/22/11 01:34 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#923733 - 09/22/11 03:02 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,438
Sofa King Bixby Offline
Serious Contributor
Sofa King Bixby  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,438
home and loving it
Travis,
I agree that the "comming out" version tells a better story. But you are leaving this guy, a good guy, all alone. You are simultaniously breaking her mothers heart, and telling her dad he was "kind of right". i look forward to this one being polished.

-steve


"sing along little hotties in those wet t-shirts" -Tricia "angel" Baker


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=718667
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/stephenbixby
#923734 - 09/22/11 03:10 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Sofa King Bixby]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Posts: 11,726
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Working on it Steve, thanks for your interest,although S*** does happen in life.
Regards
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#923741 - 09/22/11 04:26 PM Re: She slipped thru his hands. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,726
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Another rewrite


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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