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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 183 Likes: 1
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Any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated Thanks Rich http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10895407Boss man laid me off down the plant the other day I got a wife and kids and one on the way There's lots of folks rowin' that same boat With all their might try'n to stay afloat I know the Bible says "And this too shall pass" "The last shall be first and the first shall be last" But the first have all they'll ever need While the last are left to sweat and plead... Deliver me from the hungry years Deliver me from unanswered prayers Deliver me when I run out of dreams And deliver me when my dreams run out on me I know there's no such thing as an innocent man We make our way in this world the best that we can It's those times your back's put to the wall You find out how far you rise or fall Deliver me from the hungry years Deliver me from unanswered prayers Deliver me when I run out of dreams And deliver me when my dreams run out on me Deliver me from the wolves at my door Deliver me when my world gets torn Deliver me from the desperate days Deliver me from long nights on lost highways __________________ http://www.soundclick.com/richpirone
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Joined: May 2001
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Rich,
I clicked on the link and it took me to a page that said..."You're doing it wrong." I'll come back later. Say Hi to Robertk for me when you see him.
Stevie
I'm the only person here who is not unique.
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Joined: Jul 2011
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THAT PIC!
Soundclick is my new best friend.
Sorry JPF.
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Joined: Aug 2002
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Fixed the link. It should work now.
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Joined: May 2001
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Really solid song Rich. You done good.
Stevie
I'm the only person here who is not unique.
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Joined: Aug 2002
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Stevie:
Thanks for the kind words.
BTW I'll see Robert K this weekend at a Jimmy Webb concert. I'll give him your regards.
Rich
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Sounds like a demo track?
That said, production is slick and right in the pocket. I was looking for harmony starting on the 2nd verse and even more prominent in the mix during the chorus--it's barely there.
The chorus could have elevated more--I think it could have been done with chording that was less predictable.
I loved the little odd chord after the 2nd lines of the verses. Things like that stand out in a good way.
Solid job, but I've already forgotten the hook after the song was over.
Zeek
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Zeek:
Your instincts are correct - it is a demo. Thanks for giving it a listen.
Rich
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Joined: Jul 2010
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The lyrics tell a familiar tale: A man seeking deliverance from hard times. It's overly reliant on cliches, but there's some cleverness to the writing. But something is missing. There doesn't seem to be any emotional connection here. Or at least it doesn't connect with me. The upbeat melody of the chorus doesn't fit this tale of woe. I dunno, it's hard to put my finger on it, but something is missing. Good sounding demo, some cleverness to the writing, good vocal. There's certainly plenty of evidence of talent here. But somehow it misses the mark. At least to my ears.
The only thing I can suggest is that the chorus, because it's so upbeat, should be a defiant promise to overcome all obstacles placed in your path, rather than a passive prayer for someone to save you from the hard road ahead. Maybe:
There's a hard road ahead of me Trouble as far as the eye can see I may get discouraged but that don't mean I'll ever give up on myself or my dreams
or something in that vein. Anyway, just my thoughts. Lots of talent in evidence here.
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Dan:
Appreciate your taking the time to check this tune out. I'll take your suggestions under advisement.
Thanks Rich
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Joined: Mar 2005
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You need to work on the melody. you have a pattern that goes da da da da da da da da da da da
over and over and over and over again... and the chorus barely varies. You are killing a pretty good lyric with a really tedious melody. The playing is good so you should be able to do it. At the very least, find an alternative melody for the second two lines in each verse. It's very hard in print to explain melody. I wish we had a way to sing or hum a melody that was as quick as typing, because this is not a hard problem to solve.
Boss man laid me off down the plant the other day I got a wife and kids and one on the way
There's lots of folks rowin' that same boat (change this melody line) With all their might try'n to stay afloat (and this)
In do re mi form here is the what you are doing over and over again:
do so so so so so so so la so so me so
You are singing in the key of A and you voice sings the "E" note in that scale 10 out of the 13 notes in each line of every verse! Have you ever heard the term "droning on"? Well that is the effect you create. This is a pretty easy fix. There are millions of alternative melodies for these line. I don't particularly think he is a great songwriter but Jason Blume is a songwriting teacher who released a CD explaining techniques for writing better melodies. You might benefit from that. And no, I am not Jason Blume.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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Joined: Jul 2011
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Hey there rpirone...I really like the song, as a whole....there is an element,however, of "bitterness" in the lyric that rubs me. The production is awesome, non-the-less!! A real toe tapper. -Tom
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Cognac
They say you should write what you know.
If you detect a note of bitterness, it's probably because I wrote it after being unemployed for over 2 years.
Thankfully that is no longer the case.
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Sam:
I agree with what you're saying. I'm not a musician. I have absolutely no musical training whatsoever. I couldn't tell an F-minor from an F-adult.
I write a lyric and then come up with a melody. I sing it into a cassette and send it off to the demo studio with my arrangement instructions. In this case, the singer homogenized my melody a little more than usual, eschewing some of the inflections and accents in the original melody.
Rich
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Hi, Rich! Some great feedback already, and I agree with a lot of it.
It may be too late at this stage for what I'm about to say, but for what it's worth:
Most people aren't going to be reading the lyrics while listening, so they aren't going to see the end of your quotation marks in V2. Thus, when listening, it sounds like the singer is saying that the entire V2 is what the Bible says. To me, that is a pretty significant area that would need to be much more distinct in its delivery.
I'd suggest a simple change such as this to correct it maybe:
I know the Bible says "And this too shall pass" "The last shall be first and the first shall be last" I SAY the first have all they'll ever need While the last are left to sweat and plead...
Good luck with it!
--Jen
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
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Jen:
That quote from the Bible is pretty well known. It didn't occur to me that someone might think that the last 2 lines of the verse were part of Scripture. But, nonetheless, I like your idea quite a bit.
Thanks Rich
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Joined: Aug 2009
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Really nice Rich! I like the lyrics and the music is great. Glad to hear you are back to work! Good luck with this! And Jen gave you some good advice, many peoples knowledge of the Bible is casual at best!
Todd
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Todd:
Appreciate the kind words.
Thanks Rich
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Joined: Oct 2017
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Nice solid recording and tune, where ya been?
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Fde,
Did you bump this song from 2011, or did rp?
No matter, I really enjoyed this modern country production--good stuff, great hook, arrangement, melody, performance. RP are you still around?
steady-eddie
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