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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,209
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,209 |
Decided to switch it around from AABAB to a more standard VVCBC format... May main issue is that I like pre-chorus but it will only occur once... It won't fit after the bridge... doesn't seem right to have the pre after verse one if there's no chorus... Any advice?
Re-write
Some Day
© 2011 Greg Swartzentruber
I always said someday
I’d tie up loose ends
Finish learning Spanish
Look up long lost friends
Track down those I angered
Try to make amends
Someday buy a new car
Think I’d like a Benz
We all have these dreams
Don’t matter who you are
Maybe to catch a plane
Somewhere way too far
Someday paint a picture
Learn to play guitar
Be the guy who buys a round
For the whole dang bar
Something always happens
Life gets in the way
That’s gonna end right now
It’s gonna start today
This is gonna be some day
Brother that’s for sure
The humdrum path I follow
Is taking a detour
Gonna taste the fruits of joy
Real living can provide
Today is gonna be some day
I can feel it deep inside
Won’t do it all in one day
But don’t let that sorrow you
Now that you’ve gotten started
Have some day tomorrow too
This is gonna be some day
Brother that’s for sure
The humdrum paths we follow
Are taking a detour
Gonna taste the fruits of joy
Real living can provide
Today is gonna be some day
Can’t you feel it deep inside
Today is gonna be some day
Can’t you feel it deep inside
Original
Some Day
© 2011 Greg Swartzentruber
I always thought that someday
I’d tie up the loose ends
Finish learning Spanish
Reconnect with long lost friends
Track down those I angered
And try to make amends
Someday buy a brand new car
I think I’d like a Benz
But something always happens
Life gets in the way
But that is gonna end right now
This is gonna be some day!
Someday I’ll paint my bedroom
And learn to play guitar
Someday I’d like to buy a round
For everybody in the bar
Maybe catch the next plane
To some place way too far
We’ve all had these dreams
Doesn’t matter who you are
But something always happens
Life gets in the way
But that is gonna end right now
This is gonna be some day!
This is gonna be some day
Brother that’s for sure
The humdrum path I follow
Is taking a detour
Gonna taste the fruits of joy
That living can provide
And this is gonna be some day
I just have to decide
I’m going to my neighbor’s
To return the things I’ve borrowed
Think I’ll try some foods I hate
Maybe even avocado
Won’t get to ‘em all today
But that’s no cause for sorrow
When I’ve done what I can today
Gonna have some day tomorrow
And nothing’s gonna happen
Life won’t get in the way
Cos this has gotta start right now
This is gonna be some day!
This is gonna be some day
Brother that’s for sure
The humdrum path I follow
Is taking a detour
Gonna taste the fruits of joy
That living can provide
Today is gonna be some day
I just have to decide
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
Hi Greg,
I think that you did a great job with this -- fun, relatable, upbeat and motivating!
The one thing I paused at was the "I just have to decide." The song felt good because it seems like the singer has already decided, so this seems to bring us back to indecision and is a slight letdown -- like maybe it won't really happen. Unless he's going to decide which thing to do first, but then I think that needs a little tweaking to bring that point across.
(Can you add changing your avatar to the list?!!! ho ho!)
Lisa
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,209
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,209 |
Is that better? Too many of you couldn't handle all the sexy I was frontin'...  Interesting thought about 'decide' I originally wrote that line in the past tense... "I just had to decide" but wanted to make it active so the listener could think about "deciding" him/herself... But I see your point as well... Will be mulling it over... Thanks for the read and thoughts! Greg
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
MUCH BETTER! You're already well on your way to completing your list, as this takes care of changing the avatar, AND making amends to those you angered!!
Lisa
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
Hello Greg. I have no "nits" what so ever with this one. The flow is great, the hook is great, and you have captured a "universal" feeling and painting with your word choice.
Great Job!
Douglas
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,209
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,209 |
Glad you approve Lisa!
Thanks Doug... guess I can't ask much more than that! I appreciate you stopping to comment!
Greg
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Joined: Oct 2007
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OP
Top 200 Poster
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
The re-write has tighten it up but my first post stays the same. This is simple and direct. I like it.
Douglas
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