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#907598 - 07/10/11 02:13 AM THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS  
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 65
Daddio Offline
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Daddio  Offline
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Louisiana
THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS JAMES CARLISLE 2011


Well I knew I shouldn't go there, on a dark and moonless night
Cause people say that things out there, just never turn out right
Sounds they fill your mind up, with the things that you might see
The grass it whispers as it sways, and shadows shift beneath the trees
It's never long before you feel, just you with your regrets
When you're out there all alone, on the Mississippi Flats
Yeah, the Mississippi Flats

It's Friday night, I just got paid, I drove my truck to town
I parked the truck and grabbed a bite, and bourbon washed it down
I saw her from across the street, a smokey red-haired dream
I asked her to go dancin', she didn't say a thing
I cranked up on the radio and opened both the doors
We danced beneath that streetlight till we sweated through our clothes
The town hall clock said midnight when she said she'd have to go
A feelin's burnin' deep inside, my need she had to know
She said she'd meet me later, she said where she'd be at
Why don't you come and meet me on the Mississippi Flats

CHORUS:

I knew I shouldn't go there, on a dark and moonless night
Cause people say that things out there, just never turn out right
Sounds they fill your mind up, with the things that you might see
The grass it whispers as it sways, and shadows shift beneath the trees
It's never long before you feel, just you with your regrets
When you're out there all alone, on the Mississippi Flats
Yeah, the Mississippi Flats

I drove on out there anyway, a long way out of town
I sat there and I waited till the battery ran down
I knew I shouldn't go there, I knew I didn't care
Might have been that tight red dress, must have been that bright red hair
My mind it started racin' as I sat there in the dark
What happened to my fan-ta-sy, did I dream her re-mark
A cry came through the window, a cold chill came and went
I knew that what was out there, was sure not heaven sent
I couldn't stand it longer, the sweat was flowin' free
I jumped out of the truck and ran, some-thin' was chasin' me

CHORUS:

Well I knew I shouldn't go there, on a dark and moonless night
Cause people say that things out there, just never turn out right
Sounds they fill your mind up, with the things that you might see
The grass it whispers as it sways, and shadows shift beneath the trees
It's never long before you feel, just you with your regrets
When you're out there all alone, on the Mississippi Flats
Yeah, the Mississippi Flats

I started runnin' back to town, hot breath behind me close
I ran as fast as I could move, like I'd just seen a ghost
My boots were sloshin' through the mud, my shirt was soaked with sweat
My red-haired fantasy became, a mem'ry to forget
I ran along just thinkin' bout, the things that I had done
I'm just a poor ole workin' man, just out to have some fun
I guess I learned a lesson, bout the things the old folks say
If you're lost out on the flats at night, best pray for a new day

CHORUS:

Well I knew I shouldn't go there, on a dark and moonless night
Cause people say that things out there, just never turn out right
Sounds they fill your mind up, with the things that you might see
The grass it whispers as it sways, and shadows shift beneath the trees
It's never long before you feel, just you with your regrets
When you're out there all alone, on the Mississippi Flats
Yeah, the Mississippi Flats
...It's the Mississippi Flats
Yeah, those Mississippi Flats

fade out

#907668 - 07/10/11 11:48 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Daddio]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,358
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Welcome James..a great debut with lots of great images.

One suggestion, you might start the last chorus as an extension of the warning that ends the last verse, ie

"cause you should never ever got there on a ...

so that it is an extension of what the old folks say.

Do you do your own music? Is that you doing I'm listening to Dreams We Never had?



If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

iAccountant --- Info L inc --- Taxboard
#907674 - 07/10/11 12:08 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Apr 2011
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Daddio Offline
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Daddio  Offline
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Louisiana
Yes sir,
It's mine as to ownership. No, I did not sing on 'Dreams', I sing like a 'dyin cat', not a 'cool cat'! Thanks for the listen. I'm trying to get out of the rut of writing sad country songs. My other offering on Forum3 is 'DUST UPON THE DANCEFLOOR". Now that one is a typical sad story song. Please give a read. I'm working on the arrangement.

#907694 - 07/10/11 02:34 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Daddio]  
Joined: Feb 2006
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bholt Offline
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bholt  Offline
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Highlands, NC
James, this is full of some great imagery. It seems a bit long for a commercial song, but don't know if that's what you intend for it. I'm with you on the singing like a "dying cat". Describes me perfectly! :-)


Betty J. Holt
#907705 - 07/10/11 03:37 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: bholt]  
Joined: Apr 2011
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Daddio Offline
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Daddio  Offline
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Louisiana
Thanks Betty,
I envision a fast tempo which will help (180-190 BPM), but I considered dropping a chorus too. The only problem with that is the verses are so long, they need separation. I don't see how folks do a good story song in less than hi-3/lo-4 time frame, but I guess it can be done. I don't care what genre we are talking about, I'm big on closure. I may need a Charlie Daniels tempo to make this one work. Thanks for the comment.

#907748 - 07/11/11 12:37 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Daddio]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,045
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Louisiana
hey this an awesome lyric!Yeah it reads like a Charlie Daniels as you said but forget that,ya need some swampy feel to this one.
It doesn't have to be a commercial song to be a great song,most songs i like you'd never hear on radio and they are way better than some of the crap on the waves today.I would only drop a chorus if you put a bridge in.Nice imagery as Betty pointed out.
Good luck with it Daddio!

#907758 - 07/11/11 12:56 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 8,746
Mackie H. Offline
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NASHVILLE, TN
Daddio--

I LUV IT--my kinda SONG--I'd find a way to pare HER somewhat--you have good suggestions already--

Write on--

Mackie

#907763 - 07/11/11 01:06 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Daddio]  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Jen Warner Offline
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Jen Warner  Offline
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Ohio
Hi, James! Very creative once again!

You sure can put a story together in a wonderful way! I guess my only nit here is that for all the eerie vibe, it still doesn't seem like it's done. I mean, Ok, we know the flats are not a good place to be. We know he likes this girl enough to go out there.. We know that whatever is out there is scary enough to make him forget all about the girl... then what? He makes it back to town safe and sound, end of story? I don't want to know every detail of what was chasing him, did he ever go for the girl again, was she evil in some way that tied into the things that happen out there in the flats? Some peeps might want all these answers, but I like the mystery. I DO want something more significant, though. I'm not sure if I can pinpoint it.

I suggest maybe leaving V1 past tense mostly, as is. But maybe consider making V2 & V3 present tense, like he is in the moment as it is all happening, then end V3 with "I'm lost for good out on the flats, hope they find me someday." Also, maybe in your last Chorus, change the last line to "Many never make it home from the Mississippi Flats" You could also sprinkle suggestions throughout V2 & V3, and possibly even your C's that the girl has something to do with it, if you wanted to. This would leave us not knowing exactly what happened, but it would give us certainty that the ending wasn't good for this poor guy. As is, we know he had a bad experience out there, and we expected that, but we still don't know if it ended good, bad, or in between really.

Sorry to ramble, hope this helps. smile

--Jen


The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
#907772 - 07/11/11 03:27 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Jen Warner]  
Joined: Jul 2008
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glynda Offline
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Princeton Texas
This is really great, had me runnin' with ya....and scared out of my boots too....

good one for a dark rainy night....

glyn

#907818 - 07/11/11 02:06 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: glynda]  
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Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Nice imagery Daddio
Would love to hear the song


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#907853 - 07/11/11 09:23 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Apr 2011
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Daddio Offline
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Daddio  Offline
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Louisiana
Thanks Travis,
I'm workin' on the arrangement and it's a toughy, but that's what I was shooting for, a challenge. I originally thought a Tony Joe White/Jerry Reed treatment but the thing is so 'wordy', I will have to ramp it up from those ideas. I may 'talk' the verses and sing the choruses. Thanks for the feedback.

#908119 - 07/13/11 04:40 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Daddio]  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Daddio
If you think that's wordy. Take a look at Daddy was a drunk lyrics 3.
I love the Tony jo/Jerry Reed stuff myself too.And yes I can what you're aiming for in the lyric here.
Best of luck
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#908541 - 07/16/11 10:42 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Feb 2006
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John Hoffman Offline
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John Hoffman  Offline
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St. Peters, Mo.
James,
wonderful lively writing. It feels like the beginning of a story. Makes me think of Marie Laveau.


John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#908648 - 07/16/11 09:39 PM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: Apr 2011
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Daddio Offline
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Daddio  Offline
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Louisiana
Thanks to all for the comments! I got great feedback and ideas. I'm working on the arrangement and it's proving as tough as the write. I'll post it if I can make it work.

#908737 - 07/17/11 03:19 AM Re: THE MISSISSIPPI FLATS [Re: Daddio]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Jen Shaner Offline
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Jen Shaner  Offline
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Appomattox Va
Great story with some nice imagery. It may be a bit long but some of the best story songs are. Thanks for sharing!


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner

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