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modern country...just a worktape for now...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=626562&songID=10767042

Life Line

She stepped in with a smile 'wide as a country mile
I felt my pressure startin' to rise
Face like a hot sea breeze thawin' out a freeze
a heat stroke blowin' right in my eyes
I did a tan line scan as I almost ran
to see if I could buy her a drink


She's a beautiful thing...
a tattoo’d misfit angel without a ring
Rolls in like thunder...
a flash flood warning and I'm going under

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
& a wing man to keep her friends
occupied
so we can slip away 'til the light o' day
and get to the bottom of this
got a feeling to find out what's blowin' my mind
I'm gonna need a Life Line

did ya ever notice when a hurricane comes
some folks don't try to escape
on the front side you got a little time to hide
on the back side it's too late
she's hot-n-hip, a set o' bee stung lips
she's the song you play all night long


She's a beautiful thing...
a tattoo'd misfit angel without a ring
Rolls in like thunder...
a flash flood warning and I'm going under

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
& a wing man to keep her friends
occupied
so we can slip away 'til the light o' day
and get to the bottom of this
got a feeling to ride out what's blowin' my mind
I'm gonna need a Life Line

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
and a wingman to keep her friends
occupied
we can slip away 'til the light o' day
and get to the bottom of this
got a feeling to ride out what's blowin' my mind
I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
I'm gonna need a Life Line
I'm Gonna need a Life Line


(C)2011 Moker Jarrett/ASCAP
all rights reserved

Hey buddy

Good to see ya around and posting too. Nice job on all of this. Lots of good lines in this song and a great live song feel.
A few edits in the lines or the way it's sung to get it across smoother. You know that already though.

For pitching purposes the song feels more like an album cut then a single, not to say it couldn't be a crowd favorite for some superstar in concert. It has the live, big jam, blues ways about it. But ya know they have these types stacked up so it's even harder to pitch it.

To increase all opportunities and get even a better song, you'll need to put on the "producer hat"

This is a great line by the way.
a tattoo’d misfit angel without a ring

With this type of song I always feel the unexpected works best, the most effective thing is not to give to much of what you think is coming.

I would try in your chorus to pull these two lines marked in red..

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
& a wing man to keep her friends
occupied
so we can slip away 'til the light o' day
and get to the bottom of this
got a feeling to find out what's blowin' my mind
I'm gonna need a Life Line


1- The lines don't do a whole lot for the chorus. There purpose being there isn't supported enough.

2- It takes that chord change away sooner!! That's the biggie, I want that pattern to change, it's in the verse it's back in the chorus cool, but it's one too many.

3- Address the last line of the chorus when you try this. The opening to the chorus is wonderful. And "The friends occupied" is GREAT line man. Love it.

Make this chorus finish off as strong as it started musically and lyrically. Harder than it sounds I know LOL

Really liked the pre-chorus. You have great musicalness about you, and band experience USE IT here.
Work out some dynamics and feed into this kind of song. Lets hear it stop and do a scale climb up or down. Lets get a breakdown hand clap thing going. Lets think Foghat Live "Slow Ride - Fool For The City lol

If this song belonged to like "Los Lonley Boys" you'd be in great shape. But like EVERY other band they don't do other peoples song. This song has a band vibe to it or like I said that Country Pop guy's live jam song.

Good work Moke, keep at it.
Mike

Mike, this one's been swimmin' in my head for a couple weeks and I just had to get somethin' down before it drove me nuts...now the really drivin' me nuts part starts ...and you exactly what I'm friggin' talkin' about appreciate the producer thoughts...I had heard that breakdown part you talked about...this chorus is totally singable with just drums or a clap track...we'll see how my time management goes...workin way too much and seems like I mostly play when we have gigs ... all this work is gettin' in the way of my writin" see ya and thanks a bunch...moke

I hear ya, and thanks for all the kind words and encouragement with everything through out these boards

Starts off like a Little Feat tune and the chorus crosses over into the The Band type feel. Pretty good company in my opinion.

It really does have a Little Feat vibe, so you might need to cut down the number of words in the verses, so you can let the natural funkiness come out some more.

I thought the pre-chorus didn't contribute too much to the song, might want to work on the melody/arrangement for that part. Chorus was pretty dang good!

Kevin

Hey Kevin, thanks for listening and commenting...gonna let this one simmer a few days now that i have a rough take down...some great suggestions already between you and mike...appreciate ya...moker

It has a good concept and feel to it Moker.

I liked the way you wove in some things guys do that we don't even know we are going (ie., I did a tan line scan . . . ).

Seems to have pretty good potential to me.

Doug

Hi Moker

Wow hah, just a work tape, I'm really looking forward to you finishing this one, I love the Hook, very clever. (I'm gonna need a Life Line)

Make sure you pm me, cause I'd love to hear it finished hah.

Go MOKER!

Hugs Michele

Doug, thanks for taking the time to listen...yea guys do some things on autopilot they don't realize...i think the gals realize we do it more than we realize it be well.

Hi Moker,

This sounds really commercial. It's chock FULL of hooks... it's very cool.

I'm sorta zeroing in on the same lyrical section as Mike, but my suggestion would be to consider something like this:

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
& a wing man to keep her friends occupied
so we can slip away 'til the light o' day
and get to the bottom of this
*** feelin' that buildin' up, I think ***it's blowin' my mind
I'm gonna need a Life Line

I don't think my suggestion is good enough... but I think it might work to have those two lines "get to the botoom of this feelin'.... etc" be one thought.

Just a thought. Very cool tune. All the best with it.

Peace,

Ian

Hey Moker...

I've been gone a while..a little over a year. So good to hear one from you on my return!

Pretty decent for a work tape....damned good, actually. I tend to agree with Mike about those two lines in the chorus....particularly "And get to the bottom of this". Those lines jumped out at me as well...they seemed to go in a different direction than the rest of the lyric. Here's a suggestion for a direction to go there:

You wrote....

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
& a wing man to keep her friends
occupied
so we can slip away 'til the light o' day
and get to the bottom of this
got a feeling to find out what's blowin' my mind
I'm gonna need a Life Line

My suggestion (The words in parentheses are explnationsof why I suggested that particular line, not part of the suggested change per se)...

I'm gonna need a Life Line
sometime tonight
& a wing man to keep her friends
occupied
so we can slip away 'til the light o' day
***I'm gonna let her rescue me*** (rescue me...correlates with need a lifeline theme)
***And I'll let her save me with a little mouth-to-mouth*** (save me & mouth-to-mouth...correlate with need a lifeline theme)
I'm gonna need a Life Line

I rarely disagree with Kevin (Emmerich)...I find that's usually not a good idea! But, in this case, I shall do so...sorry Kevin! I think the pre-chorus is great. Two of the best lines in the song are there and it's a nice transition into the chorus.

Nice work, Moker! With a touch of tweaking, I think you'll have one to be real proud of. Good luck with it!

Alan

As long as you keep coming back, you can disagree with me as much as you want!!!

Kevin

Hey Everyone...

Whoops...posted previous message here on the wrong thread, just deleted what I wrote and came back with this...thought I was on my own song! Damn...getting old really sucks!

I'll be back, Kevin!

Al

That stuff is REALLY good. Excellent recordings!!!!

I think you've basically done a good job with this but it could have been tighter. Bring those drums up and make that snare crack and drive the song! I think it's more R & B than modern country.

The prechorus felt a line too long. Listen to modern country. Now they do either 1 line or 3 as a build, not 4. You could have built up "rolls in like thunder" and it would have felt tighter...it's the little things that make a good song a very good song. Nice start.

Zeek

Michele,
Nice to hear from you...I've been working so much I've not made time to connect with all my great friends here at JPF...so thanks for "pushin' my button" on this one ! I will usually do a roughtake like this to get my idea down and if it grows on me enough or shows enough promise I'll take it further...time will tell...hope you get that acting part you were talking about...
be well...Moker

Ian, nice seein' ya, hope things are well for you. This one started as a lyric, but i was hummin' a tune...I think about a month ago and finally got to lay a roughie down. On simmer 4 now, will do a rewrite and as Mike puts it, " put my producer hat on" when I go back at it...We've got a couple producers there at A1A ...I'll be reading Mike's notes, as well as everyone else's here as I go back at it...take care and thanks a bunch...Moker

Hey Moke:

Love the vibe on this - very cool! And love the way the hook hits too.

You've already gotten some great critiques - nothing I can really add. I think if you work on the lines people have highlighted, it'll come together really nice. I'll also say that, like Zeek, it felt more like R&B to me.

LOL - wish my final versions sounded as good as your work tapes

Scott

alan, wow...i was wonderin' where Al was and bam! Hope things are going well for you Al, thought about you many times. A tweek here and there on this one, and the general consensus is honing in on a couple areas...love that mouth to mouth line...my wheels are spinnin' ...thx...keep pickin'...moker

i liked this over all, the only line that seemed to draw a question mark in my mind was "i got a feel'n" to find out, just seemed to not work for me. doesn't mean it doesn't work, just not sure it says what your saying well enough. other wise i liked it.

cheers, dmk

Been away from JPF for a while, so it's great to come back and hear a song like this. I really like the overall funky feel of the song, and the chorus makes you want to sing along. I love the line about "a wing man to keep her friends occupied." I figure most guys have been down that road before. Ha ha. Not sure about the "get to the bottom of this" lyric--it seems kind of a vague--though I have a pretty good idea of what you're talkin' about. Ha ha. Looking forward to hearing what you do with it.

Eric

My 1st time meeting you on here...i'm humbled by your comments...i think i can make this much better than it is, that's actiually why i posted it. there are so many very talented people who pop in and out of here...mike, scott, al, jim, ian, and on and on...thx be well...mj

Zeek, appreciate the listen and comments...drums for now are basically a clic track, snare will pop ina studio take for sure... and I'm considering some rewriting and production ideas for this....all my worktapes could be a whole lot tighter, but sometimes i gotta get a rough version of the whole thing down when i get a few minutes to do so before i lose it you bring up some good points and i appprecite you takin' the time
...rock on, it's summer!

Scott, long time no talk, glad to see you still here crankin' 'em out with that Campbell signature style...you have a way of sayin' more in a verse and chorus than i say in 5 songs thx for the listen...it's been a matter of time for me this past year...but when i get a chance i still love it...still doin' some gigs 2 or 3 a month is all...alot of fun though....we'll see where this one ends up...nothin too deep...just another chick blowin' a guys mind song...happens every day in every city though see ya...moke

dmk, thanks for listening...i've gotten alot of good suggestions...the line in question is sexual innuendo, a common method of saying something provocative without saying it bluntly,...albeit it may not work as well as I had hoped at that particular point in the song...hmmm... thanks for the listen and comments....be well...moker

Moke--

Can't say anything but--I LIKE THIS ONE--MY KINDA SONG--SMOKIN'!

WRITE AND PLAY ON--

Mackie

Eric, you were thinking of the same bottom i was...
a good wing man can be a valuable thing, i have a couple i still probably owe a favor to from nights gone by...thx...mj

Mike, So I got Huey Lewis and the News ? Nice drivin' tune built for fun !! I'll agree with Kevin on cutting down some of the verses. Your definately rushin' it @ the first verse. This intro verse needs some work (for me). Its a bit confusing if your are just listening to it. Totally love the title, the refrain @ "She's a beautiful thang"... was unexpected and cool. I suppose this is what ya'll are calling a PreChorus ? I dug it as a musician. Super chorus and structure for its target IMO. Also, and this is huge...."Gonna need a lifeLine" really sticks in your head !! I say tighten up verse one and condense the other verses and this thing goes ballistic !!! Keep rockin Man !!

Mackie...man i like a guy who gets a guys song...the guys are grinnin' and the girls wanna be that girl hopefully i get a chance to do a little better mix for ride on cowgirl this weekend so you can post it up and get some feedback...see ya...mj

Darrell, all good comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen and comment...it's always a big help when a song is in development, before a final rewrite and demo to get a feel from listeners and writers...have a great week...moker

Moker,

Oh man, where have I been, everybody's come and gone already..nothing I could add..but I like it alot, it's almost time for me to go home from work and you'd given me that lil' boost to get up and clean up the dept before we leave...love the music..this is will be a good one...lot's of great stuff going on in there...thanks for giving me a chance to listen to it...

glyn

Just the coolest music and I love the cool swing of the vocal delivery.

"A set of Bee stung lips"... are you F-ing kidding me.
One of the coolest lines ever. lol

Very enjoyable listen... radio ready, my man.

Mr. Jarrett
I really like this...the hook is well supported by some very good lines and the music adds a solid groove on which to ride.

Hi Moker,

GREAT PERFORMANCE, cool guitar sound !!!

and this part is real neat.

***Rolls in like thunder...***
and this...

did ya ever notice when a hurricane comes
some folks don't try to escape
on the front side you got a little time to hide
on the back side it's too late
she's hot-n-hip, a set o' bee stung lips
she's the song you sing all night long

GOOD JOB.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

glyn, if i made your day it was worth writin it ! thx...hope you're doin' great...big weekend comin' up ...you go easy now mj

Hey Moker....hope you are doing well....cool song....kinda Allman Bros. sounding.....real mover....you got talent friend....Bob

Mister Nelson,
Thank you for takin' the time to check out Life Line. I was just tryin' to get the listener's attention with some of the lines. Tried to make 'em all point to the fact that she's hot and it's botherin' me bad see ya...thx...moker

Neil, for a guy in Florida to hear from a guy in Canada that he likes something he's written, now that's just cool...Thanks to you and to Brian for giving musicians and writers a place to do what we love doin'. I appreciate the listen....be well...moker

I like this a lot. I think modern country is not the right pigeonhole for it - although Kenny Chesney or Zac Brown might like it. More like trop rock to my ear.

You have some good suggestions above about tightening it up. It is worth making each line count lyrically. I would not change the structure or music much.

Good one........

Cal, i have gotten a few great ideas cookin' to improve what i want out of this one...talked with a couple of producers about it...and so many great writers here...appreciate you takin the time to listen. Have a BANGIN 4th !

Bob, you are too kind my friend...hope you are doin well too. I absolutely wore grooves in my copy of Eat A Peach by the Allman Brothers, I guess some of those licks are stuck in my repertoire forever thx...enjoy the 4th and thx for the listen...moke

Colin, sorry i'm tardy checkin back in...busy week...thx for the listen, i have a couple production ideas in mind that may help the marketable sound on this one...time to put a studio session together will be the key to get it further along now, time has me spread thin these days...thx...mj

Wow! Great songs, great musicians, terrific singing--you've got it all!!! Way to go!!!

John, nice to meet you and welcome to JPF. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to Life Line. Both the hook and the idea came from my lifeguarding in years gone by I hope to make it alot better if I end up in the studio with it. This was done at home with just me in a couple hours. Thanks and be well. Moker

Hey Moker,

Good to see you bud.

As to the song, yeah mate, it's got a real cool groove.

I'd definitly work this one up further, it deserves a lot better in it's production, and I see it as a "standard" in most good bars around town.

Work it up mate. It's a feel good summer song, which whould really go down well with the punters.

cheers, niteshift

Absolutely stellar old friend. Love the guitar work and groove plus the change up for the chorus chordally. You've still got it, man.

Stevie

Hey Nite
Songs like these to me, are ones you can grin about, catch the groove of, and have a laugh with your mates about what the guys singin. My problem lately is time to get in the studio and do 'em justice. At any rate...here's to something we write becoming a standard somewhere...ha... cheers...Moker

Hey Stevie B,
Yeah thanks for saying I still got it...ha...I know I still got it, my question is why am I so tired after I get it?
On a more serious note, I hope I live to be a very old man who never forgets how to pick up a guitar and throw down...it's just too damn much fun not to do it...Life Line is one of those groove things I learned how to grab the feel of from listening to the Allman Brothers growing up...see ya buddy and thanks for the listen and comments, i hope to make this a better version some time this summer...Moker

Moker,
I think you got it brother. Sounds on the money.

John

Moker,

Like the song a lot. My initial thoughts are to shorten the chorus just a little which I THINK is what sub was alluding to.

I like the pre chorus and some of the lyrics are great (as mentioned)

Ricky