JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Lay Down Your Heart

This is a relatively new song, moderately uptempo bluegrassy feel although the changes aren't traditional bluegrass. I swear that soon I'll master the mp3.
Meanwhile, since this is kind of abstract sounding, I'm just wondering if the words make a lick of sense?

Lay Down Your Heart
Copyright Richard Myers 2011

Verse 1
This is the truth behind the fable.
The sunlight that paints the moon.
I found you soon as I was able.
It was not a road too soon.

Verse 2
We left the boats dry on the riverbanks.
Left the trains on their tracks.
They say love's a steep mountain to climb.
But the wind is at our back.

Chorus
And the sun is lying down
on the fields of green.
Lay down your heart.
It's no burden to me.

Verse 3
I see no angels falling.
Hear no trumpets from on high.
Just a single songbird calling
alone across the sky.

Chorus
And the sun is lying down
on its bed of reds and gold.
Lay down your heart.
Give me wings for my soul.

Bridge
Oh, how the highway
was like desire.
Wanted to burn down.
Wanted to be the fire.
The eyes that brought me running
cut like stones in my shoes.
I was looking for a mystery
to fit my clues.

Verse 4
But now the bow is on the fiddle.
I hear the sighing fingertips.
And I don't want to solve the riddle
of your kisses on my lips.

Chorus
Not while the sun is lying down
like a lover in the night.
Lay down your heart.
We'll bring back the morning light.

Reprise
Yes, the sun is lying down
like a lover tonight.
Lay down your heart.
We'll bring back the morning light.

Hi, JB!! I've read this one over several times now... and over all, it DOES make a lick of sense.

But there are parts of it that don't make a lick of sense, at least to me. And that frustrates me, because the parts I like, I REALLY like!!

V1 roped me in... beautiful!!! V2 loses me almost completely. The riverbanks, mountain, and wind all tie with the other naturesque elements in the lyric, but the train? And the verse itself doesn't take me anywhere, it doesn't expand on V1, or seem to set anything up clearly, imo.

V3, almost the same nit, whatever you are trying to get at just isn't getting through to me. However, if it is an expression of love being conveyed, I would grasp it better if this verse went something more like:
I SEE YOU ANGEL, I AM FALLING
I HEAR THE TRUMPETS from on High
AND a single songbird calling
TO ME FROM across the sky.

I like the last 2 lines of the Bridge, but the rest gets away again from the nature element, and whose eyes are we talking about here? If it were talking about the lovers eyes, it would be a good place for it, but it seems like it's about someone else's eyes.. eyes that cause negativity, and seems like a new introduction too late.

V4 works ok for me... but the fiddle is a little out of line with the rest of the nature bit. Still, if the other verses were revised some, this verse could possibly stand as is.

I love your varied Choruses, has a soothing Gordon Lightfoot feel to me, so no nits at all on those!!

Sorry to ramble, hope this helps... nice feel over all, like I said, just needs pulled together I think! Good luck!

--Jen

JB,

I really like Jen's suggestions. I think she has made some valid points. I will give you some thoughts about the structure. I have been playing along on my guitar and if I were writing a contemporary song I would have to ask you to keep an eye on the metering from verse to verse. It's not too consistent and I found a nice enough melody for verse 1 but verse 2 was a little trickier to sing with the identical melody.

The same goes for the chorus's also. I personally always keep the chorus lyrics the same. Most people do but that is artistic licence so do what ever you feel works. The only thing is the metering should be kept the same so at least the listener can hear the same melody and number of notes when singing along.

While singing to this I also found myself very compelled to start the chorus with:
Lay down your heart.
Give me wings for my soul.

Anyway, good luck with your song. Looking forward to hearing the finished version.

JD

Hi JB,

It certainly is abstract,which I don't mind but there are themes that come and go, so a little confusing.I think Jen has some good points so I will be brief. The chorus changing throws me a bit as I am looking for something solid in there.
This line really stuck out and I wondered why the word NOT?
"Not while the sun is lying down"

You have some magical words coming out, they just need to gel.

Hope this helps :)K

Hey Richard:

I really like this - not sure I'd change anything.

I love the train and boat lines - to me they say that "we are breaking new ground here". In a much cooler way....

The lyric is very poetic - which I love. Does that work in bluegrass? The stuff I hear seems pretty straightforward but I don't listen to a whole lot of it...

Only line that I thought stretched a bit too far was "sighing fingertips". I think I get it, following the previous line as it does but I think it's the instrument that sighs, not the fingers playing it. Actually, now that I think about it, instruments don't sigh either. LOL - maybe leave it as is

Scott

Hey, thanks y'all for your insights.
Scott: A songwriter friend of mine says he always knows a song is finished because the same movie plays in his head when he sings it. I think the last verse is sort of like that -- to me it's about a couple dancing. But the song doesn't say that, which is why I wonder if it's too abstract. (This has a bluegrass feel, but I don't think the lyrics would work at a bluegrass jam.) Does it work without my movie? Sighing fingertips might be a problem. Maybe dancing fingertips?
K: The "not" in that line refers to the last line of the verse before it--I don't want to solve the riddle of your kisses on my lips. Not while the sun...
If that isn't clear to you reading it, though, I wonder how clear it would be to someone hearing it. Thanks for that. The changing chorus was deliberate, and I think the music is different enough to signal the chorus -- the consistent And the sun is lying down -- is way more "soaring" than the verses and the chord center goes from Am to F (the IV of Am's relative major).
Anyway, it's hard for anyone else to gauge whether that works without the music.
James: Similarly, the metering is close, but not exact, but the musical phrases have a measure "left over" after the lyrics.
Jen. I guess what I see this as being about is someone who has been looking for love for a long time and is thinking he or she has found it after a long road. (I made a mistake in the second verse. I should be I left the boats ...) The boats and trains are always moving, and they're left now. The songbird flying is a reflection of what that journey was. The last verse is different because he or she is in a different situation.
Anyway, I'll -- I hope-- post an mp3 if anyone's interested.
Meanwhile this reply is probably more confusing than the song.
Thanks again, everyone.

Thanks JB for clearing that up
I am keen to hear it when its ready.:)K