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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Can't decide on the title. I think it's somewhat cute. Any suggestions? Thanks.
FIRST CLASS MALE or THE POST OFFICE GUY
Verse 1 Whenever I went for my mail He always waved and smiled He was the post office guy And he was so fine
Verse 2 I loved him from the first day I saw his handsome face He delivered his love Put a stamp on my heart
Chorus The post office guy The post office guy He was built like a wide receiver But he never could deliver
The post office guy The post office guy He was cute, I can't deny But he always made me cry
The post office guy The post office guy He stole my heart Then threw it away
V3 One day I went for my mail As he waved and smiled I saw a gold band Flashing on his left hand
V4 Time went by then he confided He was stressed with his life or (...his wife) He wanted to meet me He still had feelings for me or (He couldn't forget me)
Chorus The post office guy The post office guy He was built like a wide receiver But he never could deliver
The post office guy The post office guy He was so cute I can't deny But he always made me cry
The post office guy The post office guy He stole my heart Then threw it away
Bridge He just wanted a fool Who thought he was cool A little something on the side Whenever boredom arrived
Chorus The post office guy The post office guy He was built like a wide receiver But he never could deliver
The post office guy The post office guy He was so cute, I can't deny But he always made me cry
The post office guy The post office guy He stole my heart Then threw it away
Outro He put a stamp on my heart And I can’t tear it apart
The post office guy
copyright 2011 Sylvia Semel
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This is different. It's cute and I like it. Excellent!
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HiDee Mz Silvia!
First Off, Congrats on a Very Cute Idea!
"Post Office Guy" seems to be your Hook Here. &, I dunno...I'm a Guy..don't remember any sexy PO Babes..& so-far, haven't seen any Guys that seemed to be knockouts there either, but that's in the eye of the Beholder, I guess.
V1's a decent set-up. ABCC Rhyme Scheme.
V2, not-so-good. "Loved Him" doesn't seem apropos.."Caught my eye" would be more-believable methinks. "He delivered his love"..(HOW? Across the Counter?) Last Line IS cute..needs better build-up, JMO. AABC Rhyme Scheme..feel's "off" considering what ya set up in V1.
Chorus: Weak. 1st 2 Lines are fine...but last 2 don't exactly "deliver", JMO. (They also instantly make this into a "Downer" Song.) The "Football" Reference comes outta-nowhere, sorta distracts from the PO Setting, JMO.
Sug: The Post Office Guy The Post Office Guy.. He Could Lick MY Stamps All-Night That Post Office Guy!
KOS. (Dunno if the Other 2 Choruses that follow Immediately-After as-penned DO much for the storyline. I'd go to V2 right away...)
Dunno if making him into a cheater..& Singer into a bit of a bottom-feeder in the following-up Verses helps this song much, either.
I'd sug focusing on terms like "Special Delivery" and "Hand-Delivered" and "Priority" and whatever brings-to-mind "Going Postal" in a Nice Way. Or, yeah, have him dump her in last Verse & then "Kill The Messenger"..somehow using a lot of Postal Terms. (Your current Outro uses SUCH a cliche rhyme. TRY real hard for Something-New in the Rhyme Dep't.)
I think this'd work better with a Happy Ending..but..either way, you got more work to do on it. Market-Wise, it's been prolly 4 Decades since "(Wait a Minute) Mr Postman" was a hit. (Come up with a line as Catchy as "De-Liver The Letter..The Sooner-The-Better"...and you're on-your-way.)
Other Post Office THINGS that come to mind, bit-by-bit: "Not Too Tightly-Wrapped"..."Wanted Posters".."Self-Sticking".."Waiting Lines".."Commemoratives".."Scales".."Overweight/Underweight".."Package".."Bubblewrap".."Padding".."Sent Him Packing"..etc.
Cute as it is/could be..I doubt the Kid Market's interested in a Post Office Song..since they all use email, texting, & Skype.
So..your Final Version of this'd better REALLY Be a Cute One. Good Luck & Best Wishes, Stan
Last edited by "Tampa Stan" Good; 04/15/11 08:31 AM.
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Hi Sylvia, Like Stan, I think it needs some more work, For a couple things, too many Chorus's and V 3 breaks the rhyme scheme. On any "moderernizing", maybe a possibility of bringing in E mail in the later stages. It'd change your whole story but maybe he gets transferred or something and they have an Email romance. Just throwing out some ideas, Good luck with it. (I think First class male is the better of your two titles)
Last edited by Wyman Lloyd; 04/15/11 12:57 PM.
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Hi Sylvia,
I think Stan's given you a whole lot of great ideas for the rewrite, and alot to think about.
I couldn't give you better advise on improving your song than you've been given.
Looking foreward to the next reading of this one!
Geneva
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Dear Stan,
Great critique and thanks so much for taking the time to do it. I appreciate it.
Wyman and Nightengale thanks so much.
Please let me know where your lyrics are posted. I'd love to critique them. I haven't seen your names on the lyric posts.
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Stan and Night have stuff up Sylvia---I haven't posted since I came back on--Still not sure how long I'll stay
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