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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 384
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 384 |
Hi folks, here's something, within the field of "Jagged Edge" (again) if you need something cleared I'd be more then ahppy to (TRY) and explain it...please critique, thanks! Best Wishes, Brian. "Drifted" (18/11/02) © 2002 Brian Eggertsen, All Rights Reserved Verse 1 This old house is falling apart, Mem'ries on the walls ain't there no more. All we percess is in our hearts, But the foundation can't be restored. Seems we've been picking up pieces, Of us for what feels like forever. Moments are worth gold so seese it, But fields of gold won't keep us together. Chorus We've drifted too far For the "WOW" is gone, The sensation of Something new is done. We've drifted away From the saftiness, Of everything we Once refured to as blessed. We've difted apart. Verse 2 Turning the key op'ning the door, Is far from the same as it used to. All I do is stare at the floor, Every night in a bed meant for two. I guess if both ain't in the game, The favorite team as no chance of winning. But thinking back it's such a shame, We had to lose in the beginning. Chorus We've drifted too far For the "WOW" is gone, The sensation of Something new is done. We've drifted away From the saftiness, Of everything we Once refured to as blessed. We've difted apart. Bridge Now I'm sitting on a swing, Going through everything. On a sunday afternoon, Hoping that sometime soon. We'll end up talking again, Cause this can't be the end. All though...I know! Chorus We've drifted too far For the "WOW" is gone, The sensation of Something new is done. We've drifted away From the saftiness Of everything we Once refured to as blessed. We've difted apart.
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,316 |
Hi Brian,
I like all the imagery about the old house. If this were my song I would go back through and tighten every line to support that imagery. When you went into the field of gold (v.1) and then the game (v.2) I felt it lost some focus. Drifted is a nice word. I'm wondering if there are some rhymes for it. Lifted/Shifted. Old houses do shift.
I think your chorus could be a little more focused as well. Here is a list of words where I'm guessing what you really mean. percess/possess seese/seize saftiness/ ? refured/referred
Good luck with this.
Vondelle
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,851
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,851 |
Hi Brian, This is nice,I couldn't possibly let it slide off the page,it has great potential IMO.I haven't checked the rhyming,but it flows well ,imagery is very good,might need a little tweaking.It's worth the effort. God bless ClaireJeanne http://www.soundclick.com/bands/claireandrick.htm
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19 |
EZT,
This is an incredible song!. I love the imagery- Especially: "Moments are worth gold so seize it, but fields of gold won't keep us together."
Thanks, howie
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