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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19 |
She Found A Better Me (c)Copyright 2/21/11 Slim Cahill
Lying here in the dark thinking about what went wrong its one of those times when nothing else matters anymore And Its only been four days since she's been gone I'm not sure if I miss her or if I'm just alone
When She walked out the door she didnt say a word I know she's never coming back and I won't get on my knees she's found another man and she thinks she's found a better me
you gotta face yourself its an agony you gotta pace yourself or things wont be I keep telling myself I'll be fine But something just keeps it in my mind
She kept telling me that she needed a little more time I can hear it in her voice she has someone else in mind I'll never understand how or where we went wrong maybe we've been apart, together to long
you gotta face yourself its an agony you gotta pace yourself or things wont be I keep telling myself I'll be fine But something just keeps it in my mind
Now I wonder Is there life after what I thought it was Or will I ever have what I never really gave before and was it just me that made our life all wrong I'm not sure who was right, but she's gone
you gotta face yourself its an agony you gotta pace yourself or things wont be I keep telling myself I'll be fine But something just keeps it in my mind
All I can do is forget this, it isn't easy when you wonder why And If I dont stop thinking about it I"ll never come out alive If thats the way its gonna be then I hope she's found a better me.
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
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I can honestly say, i've been there..felt this way many times, this is really good and lots can relate to these same feelings..glyn
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
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This is a classic tale of the heartache surrounding lost love. But in the end subject has strong willpower and is no doubt a foce to be reckoned with as he has accepted and moves on with life.
Peace, Brian
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 374
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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i like this but its too wordy,trim it down a bit and keep working on this.Good luck,
odk
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 348
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I just tried an adlib melody to this which came out pretty well when i recorded it on my dictaphone. I did reasonably well but I felt the pre chorus was too long. The rest flowed well enough. On a personal note, I didn't feel there was any real lyrical hook on the chorus. There are a lot of techniques used in songs and one of them often stated by song writing professionals is you the title of the song in the chorus and I have to agree for this song. The line "She found a better me" would be the ideal ending to the chorus. Doesn't mean you have to remove the other line but you could always make it a 6 line chorus. I feel the verses tell the story well but I find the chorus a little vague. It reminds me of my own lyric writing actually.
If you wanted to hear the adlib I can send it to you to see what you think of your song sung, if you dont already have a melody.
Cheers
JD
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,139
Serious Contributor
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Hi Slim, It seems to flow pretty well to me..Its definitely a lyric that many can relate to,myself included.I think it may need a little trimming but other than that,very well written.Hope to hear it with music... Michelle
*****You know I'm a dreamer,but my heart's of gold*****Motley Crue
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19 |
I just tried an adlib melody to this which came out pretty well when i recorded it on my dictaphone. I did reasonably well but I felt the pre chorus was too long. The rest flowed well enough. On a personal note, I didn't feel there was any real lyrical hook on the chorus. There are a lot of techniques used in songs and one of them often stated by song writing professionals is you the title of the song in the chorus and I have to agree for this song. The line "She found a better me" would be the ideal ending to the chorus. Doesn't mean you have to remove the other line but you could always make it a 6 line chorus. I feel the verses tell the story well but I find the chorus a little vague. It reminds me of my own lyric writing actually.
If you wanted to hear the adlib I can send it to you to see what you think of your song sung, if you dont already have a melody.
Cheers
JD I sure would like to hear what you got out of it. And thanks for the good advice too.
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 19
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
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Hi Slim, It seems to flow pretty well to me..Its definitely a lyric that many can relate to,myself included.I think it may need a little trimming but other than that,very well written.Hope to hear it with music... Michelle Thank you Michelle I'm glad you liked it
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Yeah Brian you hit it right on. Thanks for posting up!
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Thanks nightingale, I'll try...I just hate cutting things when it sounds so good
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