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#873478 - 01/24/11 12:26 PM Make them count  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 54
Gary_UK Offline
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Gary_UK  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 54
England, UK
I was trying to write for two other different projects early this morning when this lyric came from nowhere and made me write it down. Country tragedy, ballad with female vocal. I think its treading the line between being a ball of cheese or a sweet little number.


"Make them count"

V1
Five times now, you've broke my heart
in the four years since we wed,
by letting three other women
lay beside you in my bed.
Once again I've found out
There's two women in your life,
one thats in your arms right now
and the other one's your wife...

chorus
It's a simple situation
but it doesn't quite add up.
I don't fit in this equation
baby I've had quite enough.
Your odd inclination
I'm gonna even out,
boy your days are numbered
better make them count.


V2
It only took five minutes
to drive four miles to her place,
knocked three times upon her door
to meet her face to face.
Two minutes slowly passed by
then suddenly I find,
I'm standing in her hallway
with one thing on my mind.

chorus


V3
five a.m. in the morning
standing at her bedroom door
three bullets in the clip
one in the chamber, making four.
Two lovers lie together
as tears sting my eyes,
one shot breaks the silence
of the early morning light.

chorus

V4
Five leather straps now hold me
four minutes now to go.
before they throw the switch that sits
behind me on the wall.
Three people here to witness
my two minutes of fame........
One of them still wakes up in the night
and cries your name....

chorus

Copyright Gary Parr 2011 all rights reserved.

#873503 - 01/24/11 02:14 PM Re: Make them count [Re: Gary_UK]  
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beechnut79 Offline
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Villa Park IL
Was this inspired in any way by the Tiger Woods saga? BTW, his wife left him and I believe they are now officially divorced. Was trying to picture what current country female vocalist this would be good for. Too bad Tammy Wynette isn't still with us, as she was who I was thinking of when I read this. And she lived it, only with George his problem was more drinking than cheating, I believe. This one might even be good background for the "Cheaters" TV show.

Peace,
Brian

#874027 - 01/26/11 12:45 PM Re: Make them count [Re: beechnut79]  
Joined: Nov 2010
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Gary_UK Offline
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Gary_UK  Offline
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England, UK
Hi Brian....

not inspired by anything really. I was working on a totally different project and the numbers concept came to me and took me off at a tangent. You know how it is when you have to write something down!!

Anyway, Tigers was more than five wasn't it? I just don't get it....his wife looks pretty fine to me??????

Gary

#874058 - 01/26/11 03:56 PM Re: Make them count [Re: Gary_UK]  
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beechnut79 Offline
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Villa Park IL
The Tiger syndrome is nothing new by any means. Last night listened to a show honoring Scot poet Robert Burns on his birthday, and he was said to be quite the ladies' man as well. And it's only been for about the past two decades that this has taken on a derogatory meaning.

Good luck with this piece. Can't think of any specific improvements to make.

Peace,
Brian

#874123 - 01/26/11 09:39 PM Re: Make them count [Re: beechnut79]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Eugene, Or USA
Hi Gary,

Great writing!

Love this!

Geneva

#897384 - 05/11/11 12:36 PM Re: Make them count [Re: nightengale]  
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Gary_UK Offline
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Gary_UK  Offline
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England, UK
Thanks guys...

#897792 - 05/13/11 11:45 AM Re: Make them count [Re: Gary_UK]  
Joined: Feb 2011
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dmk Offline
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PA.usa
hi, i really like the play with numbers you've got here, very clever. there was humor nicely balanced by the heavier aspect of the story that worked for me. but when i got to the murder/execution part (also cleverly written) the bottom fell out for me as it got too morbid. those last lines rob the story of its humor and i think this could really work as a commercial success apart from that. thats just my opinion, but i would lose the murder/execution part and keep it light. the murder/execution theme should not be coupled with this lite, very clever story line imo. all well written, really good. one more thot.
the line " i've had quite enough" does not sound like an american with "country" roots speaking. it sounds like proper english, and there is nothing proper about most "americanized english" spoken by the working class american. i'd say this a bit differently. only because you said this is a country song. hope you find this helpful.

peace, dmk

Last edited by dmk; 05/13/11 11:47 AM.
#897910 - 05/13/11 05:53 PM Re: Make them count [Re: dmk]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 54
Gary_UK Offline
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Gary_UK  Offline
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Posts: 54
England, UK
Thanks DMK...thats a great critique....

To be honest I didn't try to write a humorous side and I intended it to be dark from the start with the focus on the numbers. However I find your remarks interesting and now I will probably try an alternitive ending, probably from V3 and V4.
Incidentally, I don't think Ive intentionally set out to write something commercially attractive, the writing finds me and just put down whatever that is - sounds selfish but Ive been at it for two years now and thats what seems to work smile...I just hope it doesn't stop!
Thanks again
gary

#898214 - 05/14/11 08:50 PM Re: Make them count [Re: Gary_UK]  
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dmk Offline
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dmk  Offline
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PA.usa
hi again, i don't think it's selfish, some write by inspiration others not, so they say, but i believe in a way all creative writing is by inspiration, be inspired, you write well.

dmk

#898723 - 05/17/11 01:09 AM Re: Make them count [Re: dmk]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,347
Charlie Wong Offline
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Charlie Wong  Offline
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Posts: 1,347
Las Vegas, NV
Nice lyric Gary, I especially liked this couplet -

"one thats in your arms right now
and the OTHER one's your wife..."

Clever, there was a nice surprise to it.


Best Regards and Aloha,

Charlie

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