Who's Online Now
10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill), 4,088 guests, and 270 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Does Billy Joel belong in top 10?
by Fdemetrio - 03/28/24 11:10 PM
It Is Done
by Sunset Poet - 03/28/24 07:44 PM
Music Industry Summit, Athens Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/28/24 06:14 PM
Can you save me from me
by VNORTH2 - 03/28/24 03:11 PM
As human as yo
by ckiphen - 03/28/24 09:55 AM
Fox News Reports Stunning Archeological Discovery.
by couchgrouch - 03/27/24 08:02 PM
Wasting My Time
by David Gill - 03/27/24 07:42 AM
Song available
by JAPOV - 03/26/24 03:38 PM
YELLIN AT CLOUDS
by David Gill - 03/26/24 03:20 PM
"Reliving" the great Lou Rawls!
by Brian Austin Whitney - 03/26/24 01:49 PM
::: The Best In My Life :::
by Bill Draper - 03/26/24 01:32 PM
The show must go on
by ckiphen - 03/26/24 09:06 AM
NYC Motel 1972
by rpirone - 03/26/24 12:43 AM
usic Industry Summitt
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 11:32 PM
The Rant Arena
by JAPOV - 03/25/24 07:39 PM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Lancaster Festival, Lancaster, Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 10:51 AM
Wasting my time
by Rob B. - 03/25/24 03:45 AM
Tom Waits.. What's he building
by Fdemetrio - 03/25/24 12:09 AM
Rick Beato, bad lyrics
by Fdemetrio - 03/24/24 11:23 PM
Inspirational Videos Post Them Here
by Sunset Poet - 03/24/24 11:27 AM
Used to take a Genius to Mix
by Fdemetrio - 03/23/24 11:00 AM
She’s missing but she ain’t missing him
by ckiphen - 03/23/24 08:44 AM
"Broken Places"
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/22/24 07:45 PM
All You Are Is A Lie
by Sunset Poet - 03/22/24 06:55 PM
Pour Choices
by Gavin Sinclair - 03/22/24 05:29 PM
Billy's 30 year overdue song.
by Fdemetrio - 03/22/24 01:30 PM
Make my dreams come true
by ckiphen - 03/22/24 10:51 AM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,857
Travis david 12,264
Kevin Emmrich 10,941
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,683
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,160
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Fdemetrio 4,990
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,271
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
MFB III 4,143
Sunset Poet 4,126
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,985
JAPOV 3,973
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,246
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
Deej56 1,385
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
IronKnee 1,262
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
VNORTH2 1,212
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,120
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
David Gill 1,032
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
bennash 763
teletwang 762
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
Irwin 720
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Pat Hardy 692
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 668
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 513
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Rob B. 364
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 86
VNORTH2 45
bennash 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#87269 10/04/02 08:34 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
OP Offline
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Hello Folks,

I am putting a final mix on this one and
want some input before I finish it.

Hide c. 2002 David D. Wright

V1
I follow the sun
when my workdays done
To a place high in the hills
Got me a bottle
of a rippled juice
To wash away all my ills

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I go up there
to forget about it
Sometimes I go up there
to just sit

V2
Here in the trees
in a cool breeze
I ponder in the shade
I think of choices
so many voices
I could of had it made

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I go up there
to forget about it
Sometimes I go up there
to just sit

Chorus
I don't know whats ailing me
or whats deep inside
I don't know whats ailing me
I just go there to Hide

(solo)

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I go up there
to forget about it
Sometimes I go up there
to just sit

V3
This good ole stump
rested my rump
But my mouth is getting dry
Maybe tommorrow
I'll repeat this sorrow
Come up here to hide

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I go up there
to forget about it
Sometimes I go up there
to just sit

Chorus
I don't know whats ailing me
or whats deep inside
I don't know whats ailing me
I just go there to Hide
Tag: Like a baby I just hide

#87270 10/04/02 09:19 AM
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,675
R
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
R
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,675
Hi David!
How's your world been a spinning? You do stay busy with this music thing. And, that is kewl!!

Hey, I fine this lyric a tad generic. And, a bit of a downer. I wish it had more emotional paint used. For, I'm picturing a guy, with his bottle heading to the hills to get drunk and feeling quite sorry for his self. And, that is kewl too. But, you know I like color. Also, I noticed internal rhymes in verse 2 that are not in verse 1. Some say, it's no big deal. And, that it adds variety by not duplicating. So, it's obviously your call. If it were me I'd try and dress her up a tad more.

Hope it helps!
Ron

#87271 10/04/02 01:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Top 30 Poster
Offline
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Hi David,
Don't find a lot to nit except as Ron said , might not be "different" enough to stand out.
V 2 seems to rhyme differently than v 1 , but maybe you're rhyming "bottle" and "rippled' in v 1 which, tho not an end rhyme, might work when sung. Not sure what "rippled' means.
Didn't know you could have a pre chorus that wasn't followed immediately by the c, but could be.
In pre chorus, seems like lines 2 and 4 say about the same thing. If your music could stand it, maybe a possibility of making last line--
To reminisce
Flows good, Good luck with it

#87272 10/04/02 01:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
OP Offline
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Hi Ron and Wyman,

I guess my first aim was AAB AAB.
Yes, One line is different.
I was going to go with noose,juice
better would be bottle, rippled water.
I guess I don't know it just seems to
flow better in the melody when sung.
You can maybe judge it better when you hear
the MP3. I just may change it to water
to be Rhyming correctly.
I kinda like juice without the noose.
A pre-chorus can be used to build without
the first chorus. I know that pre-chorus's
don't always have to repeat.
Ripple is a homemade wine. Im not sure
if Rippled can be a word. Good Question!
ANyway I'll let you know when the MP3 is
posted.

Thanks Fellas,

David
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/daviddouglaswright_music.htm

#87273 10/04/02 11:18 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
OP Offline
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866

#87274 10/05/02 12:29 AM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 118
S
Serious Contributor
Offline
Serious Contributor
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 118
[Comments in brackets:]

Hide c. 2002 David D. Wright

V1
I follow the sun
when my workday's done
To a place high in the hills
Got me a bottle
[Pull out the stopper]
To wash away all my ills

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I go up there
to forget about it
Sometimes I go up there
to just sit
[Now here you say, "there," but later you say "here." WHICH IS IT? Be consistent. I'd change it to "here" throughout the lyric, myself. Of course, that'd change "go" to "come," but no biggie.]

V2
Here in the trees
in [the] cool breeze
I ponder in the shade
[Wishy-washy line with too few syllables, compared to the same line in verse one. Rewrite.]
I think of [my] choices
[heard] so many voices
I could [have] had it made
["Could of" is one of my pet peeves. It's meant to be "could've," short for "could have," despite that it sounds like "could of."]

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I [come] up [here]
to forget about it
Sometimes I [come] up [here]
to just sit
[Have you thought about making it
"Sometimes I come up here
when I want to forget
Sometimes I come up here
to just sit"
-- rhyming "forget" with "sit" could be interesting.]

Chorus
I don't know what's ailing me
['way down] deep inside
I don't know what's ailing me
I just [come here] to hide

(solo)

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I go up there
to forget about it
Sometimes I go up there
to just sit

V3
This good ole stump
[has] rested my rump
But my mouth is getting dry
Maybe tommorrow
[If I can't lose] this sorrow
[I'll] come up here to hide

(pre-chorus)
Sometimes I [come up here]
to [try to] forget
Sometimes I [come up here]
to just sit

Chorus
I don't know whats ailing me
or whats deep inside
I don't know whats ailing me
I just go there to Hide

Tag: Like a baby I just hide

[Fairly well along toward a finished lyric. You don't have enough support for the hiding when so much of the lyric is more easy-going. Someone who sits on a hillside after work just to clear his mind isn't "hiding" from something as much as just avoiding the bustle of life. The one idea negates the other. Personally, I'd lose the hiding and concentrate on the "just sit" part. Show us a singer who's found a quiet place where thinking isn't even important. Go with the zen instead of the Freud, if you see what I mean.]

Bob Clayton

#87275 10/06/02 05:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Hi, David! I like the tune and enjoyed your vocals.

The thing is the chorus says I don't know what's ailing me. But the verses indicate that he does know what is ailing him. He made poor choices and he is paying for it now. Soooooo maybe it's time for a new chorus.

Or

Maybe change the angle to the pressures of his life. Wife wants more money, Boss won't give him a raise or promotion, sister in law moved in with her six kids, a dog, a cat and didn't leave much room for him. You know, stuff like that. Make it amusing to go with the light hearted music.

Good luck with this.

JeanB


[This message has been edited by JeanB (edited 10-06-2002).]


Please visit my facebook EZ3D PopUps for free papercraft templates. Great for beginners of all ages.

Favorite Sites:
http://facebook.com/EZ3DPopUps
http://ez3dpopups.blogspot.com/
http://harrietschock.com
http://jpfolks.com
http://phillipmartin.com


#87276 10/06/02 07:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
OP Offline
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
SongBob,

Can't put anything past you as far as structure. Yes you are correct on the here
and there structure. I assure you this is
not one of my commercial efforts. The chorus
is meant in a past tense (like a dream sequence on a tv show) I know it's a little confusing to the reader. On this one I took to a little artistic freedom with a pre-chorus build. And yes Just sit could simply be the chorus but I wanted it to be different. Most of my other songs are structured commercial with commercial jingle
like choruses and this one is different.
I guess the music is what drives these lyrics
in this case.
Thanks BOB on the lesson of structure.
Sometimes I dare to be different.
But you are correct if It was going to be a
commercial popish success.
So I will Just "sit" and moment before I
reply.
Please go listen to the MP3 and tell me if it
does flow well.

David

#87277 10/06/02 07:50 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
OP Offline
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Jean,

Thanks for the wonderfull comments. I do agree that the person singing is a little confused I guess he is intoxicated and passes
in and out of here and there and what ailing him. He hears the voices and choices of the past and thinks if he had listened to some of them that he would of been more successful and had it made.
You definitely figured this one out.
I guess I wanted this one confusing and non commercial.
Anyway thanks for the critique and taking the
time to listen.

David


Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
chriscastle, yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise, HappySousa
21,470 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
warriorgirl (2024)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5