10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill),
4,088
guests, and
270
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866 |
Hello Folks,
I am putting a final mix on this one and want some input before I finish it.
Hide c. 2002 David D. Wright
V1 I follow the sun when my workdays done To a place high in the hills Got me a bottle of a rippled juice To wash away all my ills
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I go up there to forget about it Sometimes I go up there to just sit
V2 Here in the trees in a cool breeze I ponder in the shade I think of choices so many voices I could of had it made
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I go up there to forget about it Sometimes I go up there to just sit
Chorus I don't know whats ailing me or whats deep inside I don't know whats ailing me I just go there to Hide
(solo)
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I go up there to forget about it Sometimes I go up there to just sit
V3 This good ole stump rested my rump But my mouth is getting dry Maybe tommorrow I'll repeat this sorrow Come up here to hide
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I go up there to forget about it Sometimes I go up there to just sit
Chorus I don't know whats ailing me or whats deep inside I don't know whats ailing me I just go there to Hide Tag: Like a baby I just hide
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,675
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,675 |
Hi David! How's your world been a spinning? You do stay busy with this music thing. And, that is kewl!!
Hey, I fine this lyric a tad generic. And, a bit of a downer. I wish it had more emotional paint used. For, I'm picturing a guy, with his bottle heading to the hills to get drunk and feeling quite sorry for his self. And, that is kewl too. But, you know I like color. Also, I noticed internal rhymes in verse 2 that are not in verse 1. Some say, it's no big deal. And, that it adds variety by not duplicating. So, it's obviously your call. If it were me I'd try and dress her up a tad more.
Hope it helps! Ron
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578 |
Hi David, Don't find a lot to nit except as Ron said , might not be "different" enough to stand out. V 2 seems to rhyme differently than v 1 , but maybe you're rhyming "bottle" and "rippled' in v 1 which, tho not an end rhyme, might work when sung. Not sure what "rippled' means. Didn't know you could have a pre chorus that wasn't followed immediately by the c, but could be. In pre chorus, seems like lines 2 and 4 say about the same thing. If your music could stand it, maybe a possibility of making last line-- To reminisce Flows good, Good luck with it
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866 |
Hi Ron and Wyman, I guess my first aim was AAB AAB. Yes, One line is different. I was going to go with noose,juice better would be bottle, rippled water. I guess I don't know it just seems to flow better in the melody when sung. You can maybe judge it better when you hear the MP3. I just may change it to water to be Rhyming correctly. I kinda like juice without the noose. A pre-chorus can be used to build without the first chorus. I know that pre-chorus's don't always have to repeat. Ripple is a homemade wine. Im not sure if Rippled can be a word. Good Question! ANyway I'll let you know when the MP3 is posted. Thanks Fellas, David http://www.soundclick.com/bands/daviddouglaswright_music.htm
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 118
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 118 |
[Comments in brackets:]
Hide c. 2002 David D. Wright
V1 I follow the sun when my workday's done To a place high in the hills Got me a bottle [Pull out the stopper] To wash away all my ills
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I go up there to forget about it Sometimes I go up there to just sit [Now here you say, "there," but later you say "here." WHICH IS IT? Be consistent. I'd change it to "here" throughout the lyric, myself. Of course, that'd change "go" to "come," but no biggie.]
V2 Here in the trees in [the] cool breeze I ponder in the shade [Wishy-washy line with too few syllables, compared to the same line in verse one. Rewrite.] I think of [my] choices [heard] so many voices I could [have] had it made ["Could of" is one of my pet peeves. It's meant to be "could've," short for "could have," despite that it sounds like "could of."]
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I [come] up [here] to forget about it Sometimes I [come] up [here] to just sit [Have you thought about making it "Sometimes I come up here when I want to forget Sometimes I come up here to just sit" -- rhyming "forget" with "sit" could be interesting.]
Chorus I don't know what's ailing me ['way down] deep inside I don't know what's ailing me I just [come here] to hide
(solo)
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I go up there to forget about it Sometimes I go up there to just sit
V3 This good ole stump [has] rested my rump But my mouth is getting dry Maybe tommorrow [If I can't lose] this sorrow [I'll] come up here to hide
(pre-chorus) Sometimes I [come up here] to [try to] forget Sometimes I [come up here] to just sit
Chorus I don't know whats ailing me or whats deep inside I don't know whats ailing me I just go there to Hide
Tag: Like a baby I just hide
[Fairly well along toward a finished lyric. You don't have enough support for the hiding when so much of the lyric is more easy-going. Someone who sits on a hillside after work just to clear his mind isn't "hiding" from something as much as just avoiding the bustle of life. The one idea negates the other. Personally, I'd lose the hiding and concentrate on the "just sit" part. Show us a singer who's found a quiet place where thinking isn't even important. Go with the zen instead of the Freud, if you see what I mean.]
Bob Clayton
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330 |
Hi, David! I like the tune and enjoyed your vocals.
The thing is the chorus says I don't know what's ailing me. But the verses indicate that he does know what is ailing him. He made poor choices and he is paying for it now. Soooooo maybe it's time for a new chorus.
Or
Maybe change the angle to the pressures of his life. Wife wants more money, Boss won't give him a raise or promotion, sister in law moved in with her six kids, a dog, a cat and didn't leave much room for him. You know, stuff like that. Make it amusing to go with the light hearted music.
Good luck with this.
JeanB
[This message has been edited by JeanB (edited 10-06-2002).]
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866 |
SongBob,
Can't put anything past you as far as structure. Yes you are correct on the here and there structure. I assure you this is not one of my commercial efforts. The chorus is meant in a past tense (like a dream sequence on a tv show) I know it's a little confusing to the reader. On this one I took to a little artistic freedom with a pre-chorus build. And yes Just sit could simply be the chorus but I wanted it to be different. Most of my other songs are structured commercial with commercial jingle like choruses and this one is different. I guess the music is what drives these lyrics in this case. Thanks BOB on the lesson of structure. Sometimes I dare to be different. But you are correct if It was going to be a commercial popish success. So I will Just "sit" and moment before I reply. Please go listen to the MP3 and tell me if it does flow well.
David
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,866 |
Jean,
Thanks for the wonderfull comments. I do agree that the person singing is a little confused I guess he is intoxicated and passes in and out of here and there and what ailing him. He hears the voices and choices of the past and thinks if he had listened to some of them that he would of been more successful and had it made. You definitely figured this one out. I guess I wanted this one confusing and non commercial. Anyway thanks for the critique and taking the time to listen.
David
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|