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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 74
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 74 |
Could you ease the weight of my burdens Offer me....water and some bread Would you pass me a cloak...to keep me warm and dry and a place, just to lay down my head
chorus How many lives have you touched How you have touched many lives Little things that are treasured, by eyes of the needy Oh Heros don't always disguise
No restrictions apply to misfortune disregard still a modern trend when you shoulder the cause, to preserve and provide You are a Champion of change
chorus x2
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 668
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 668 |
These are some very good lines. They paint touching images.
It makes me want to hear the story behind the pictures, but there is not a story yet. I think you could add more to this.
You have the singer in desparate need of help, and the hero with the ability to help others, you just need a story of what happens next.
Is the singer saved, or atleast helped abit?, set on the right track? is the singer beyond help? too late to save? inspired to do better by the mere existance of the hero?
Expanding your song to tell what happens in any one of these questions would make it into a story. Expanding a snapshot of life into a slice of life.
Only my opion to keep or sweep.
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 74
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Thank you so much moosesong, for the kind words. I am away from home for five days a week, without access to internet....so I need some project to occupy my brain for a few hours in the evenings...I think you have just given me a project for this week... I most certainly will give your suggestions consideration, and see what I can come up with.... Thank you
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
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Hi Iceburg,
I can clearly see that you can write! It is short but I have heard songs that were huge hits that were also very short. I'll share my thoughts with you:)
Could you ease the weight of my burdens Offer me....water and some bread Would you pass me a cloak...to keep me warm and dry and a place, just to lay down my head (lovely verse)
chorus How many lives have you touched How you have touched many lives (this line is not wrking for me) Little things that are treasured, by eyes of the needy Oh Heros don't always disguise
No restrictions apply to misfortune disregard still a modern trend when you shoulder the cause, to preserve and provide You are a Champion of change (I was looking for this to rhyme like the 1st verse)
Take care,
Dottie
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 74
Serious Contributor
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Thank you so much Dottie, for the positive view on my writing skills...... I did kinda reflect on that second line in chorus, and wondered if a bit too vague......I'll give it more thought...and that last verse also...I may even expand a little
merci beaucoup (thanks)
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